Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 · Season 1
Is that a picture of Dawson?
Ah, yeah. James Van Der Beek. The Beek from the Creek. Le Beek c'est chic. [Both laugh] Yeah, we dated for a while and then decided we are better off as friends. We weren't really compatible genitally. Imagine trying to fit a cucumber into a coin purse. [laughs]
Ooh.
Anyway, so yeah, now he's like my gay BFF, but straight. Have you ever had a straight gay BFF?
This your roommate?
Oh, oh! Yes. That was so rude of me. How could I forget? Everyone, this is Chloe. She's the bitch in apartment 23.
[holds up a bag of illegal energy pills] Anyone wanna get weird and play Mario Kart?
I guess I got a lot going on underneath the surface. I'm like a river in winter.
Steven is the only guy that I've... been with.
You mean not counting one-night stands?
N-no.
Blackout sex?
What?
Redheads? Girls?
No!
Look, I'm not a fan of the lady cave either, but in a pinch...
It'd have to be a really big pinch.
Your plant died.
What plant? I hate plants. I don't have no plant.
Sure you do. You got one about a month ago.
[Flashback to Chloe and June at a fair]
[to a hot salesman] I'm all about the environment. I fancy myself a tree hugger.
[Flashback ends]
Oh, right, Ethan. He was my emergency contact for a month. Well, I don't know how it died. I watered it all the time.
[pulling a dead fish from the plant pot] With water from your goldfish's bowl?
What goldfish? I hate goldfish. I don't have no goldfish.
[Flashback to Chloe and June at a fair]
[to another hot salesman] I'm all about the goldfish. Wanna have sex?
[Flashback ends]
Weird fair. A lot of weird booths at that weird fair.
[realizing what June said earlier about responsibilities, after reading a script of James'] Sometimes, things don't click until Hollywood really spells them out for you.
[seeing June lying on the floor by the couch] Oh, don't bother. I already ate all the pills from underneath the couch.
[answering phone] Hello?
Chloe, it's Steven.
[Chloe looks confused]
June's ex-fiance.
[Chloe looks confused]
You and I had sex on her birthday cake.
[Chloe looks confused]
It was chocolate.
Oh, hey. What's up?
Bitch, please. Bitch.
Ugh. Why not?
Because in the past four years, you've borrowed... over $20,000 from James. Dinners, shopping sprees. And I'm not even counting James' stunt double you "lost."
Come on, Luther. I need the money.
And I needed notes on my play. [Chloe rolls eyes] I gave it to you to read over a year ago. Remember? So, again, my answer is... [imitates Southern accent] The grapes on the vine aren't having it.
[Chloe looks confused]
If you'd read my play, you'd get that.
[showing his jeans from behind] My publicist thought I should take advantage of all the press I'm getting for Dancing with the Stars and launch my own line of jeans. So... [slaps own butt] Beek Jeans. Put your cheeks in a Beek.
[Luther claps hands]
Right? [turns around]
Holy Mother! Damn it, those are tight! Doesn't that hurt?
So much. Yeah. But if you want your ass to rock, your plums gotta pay the price.
[after learning June had casual sex] You see these? Tears of joy. I haven't cried since I was 10 and my mom wouldn't take me to see Pulp Fiction.
[cell phone chimes] Ooh! Oh, it's Charles. "Come over now. I need you." Aw, yeah! Booty text!
Get out of here, you little slut! I love you! I got you something. It's a casual sex kit. There is makeup remover, cab fare, energy bar, instant coffee, tweezers, tampons, pepper spray, a short article, and pictures of me. For the casual sexer!
I'm a casual sexer!
I can't do this whole casual sex thing. I tried. But I get too attached. I can't be like you. My lady harp has feelings!
Why do you have to make things so complicated when it could be just sex?
Because sex is complicated! You've never had feelings for somebody you've slept with?
"Slept with"? Honey, if you're falling asleep, he's obviously doing something wrong.
[reading from the graphic novel that is based on Chloe] "Patrick Kelly." That's the guy who wrote these. Do you know who that is?
Ugh. June, if I had time to worry about every person who admired, imitated, or stalked me, I wouldn't have time to be my fabulous self.
[after getting her stomach pumped the night before] I can hang out with you. It's just, I-I can't drink anything.
Oh, no, no, no. If you roll with me, you roll as hard as me. I don't want any Judgmental Judys or Sober Sallys in my crew.
I ordered you some food. I, uh, I don't really know what girls eat.
Oh, sweetie, we don't. We don't eat. We just live in caves, having our periods, until it's time to have sex with the first guy who buys us a wine cooler and reminds us of our dad.
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