June Colburn quotes from Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

June

[referring to her mean coworker, Fox Paris] I'm gonna fix this my way. I am going to kill her...

June

...with kindness.

June

Is that a picture of Dawson?

Chloe

Ah, yeah. James Van Der Beek. The Beek from the Creek. Le Beek c'est chic. [Both laugh] Yeah, we dated for a while and then decided we are better off as friends. We weren't really compatible genitally. Imagine trying to fit a cucumber into a coin purse. [laughs]

June

Ooh.

Chloe

Anyway, so yeah, now he's like my gay BFF, but straight. Have you ever had a straight gay BFF?

This your roommate?

June

Oh, oh! Yes. That was so rude of me. How could I forget? Everyone, this is Chloe. She's the bitch in apartment 23.

Chloe

[holds up a bag of illegal energy pills] Anyone wanna get weird and play Mario Kart?

June

Steven is the only guy that I've... been with.

Chloe

You mean not counting one-night stands?

June

N-no.

Chloe

Blackout sex?

June

What?

Chloe

Redheads? Girls?

June

No!

Chloe

Look, I'm not a fan of the lady cave either, but in a pinch...

June

It'd have to be a really big pinch.

June

Your plant died.

Chloe

What plant? I hate plants. I don't have no plant.

June

Sure you do. You got one about a month ago.

Chloe

[to a hot salesman] I'm all about the environment. I fancy myself a tree hugger.

Chloe

Oh, right, Ethan. He was my emergency contact for a month. Well, I don't know how it died. I watered it all the time.

June

[pulling a dead fish from the plant pot] With water from your goldfish's bowl?

Chloe

What goldfish? I hate goldfish. I don't have no goldfish.

Chloe

[to another hot salesman] I'm all about the goldfish. Wanna have sex?

Chloe

Weird fair. A lot of weird booths at that weird fair.

Chloe

[after learning June had casual sex] You see these? Tears of joy. I haven't cried since I was 10 and my mom wouldn't take me to see Pulp Fiction.

June

[cell phone chimes] Ooh! Oh, it's Charles. "Come over now. I need you." Aw, yeah! Booty text!

Chloe

Get out of here, you little slut! I love you! I got you something. It's a casual sex kit. There is makeup remover, cab fare, energy bar, instant coffee, tweezers, tampons, pepper spray, a short article, and pictures of me. For the casual sexer!

June

I'm a casual sexer!

June

I can't do this whole casual sex thing. I tried. But I get too attached. I can't be like you. My lady harp has feelings!

Chloe

Why do you have to make things so complicated when it could be just sex?

June

Because sex is complicated! You've never had feelings for somebody you've slept with?

Chloe

"Slept with"? Honey, if you're falling asleep, he's obviously doing something wrong.

June

[reading from the graphic novel that is based on Chloe] "Patrick Kelly." That's the guy who wrote these. Do you know who that is?

Chloe

Ugh. June, if I had time to worry about every person who admired, imitated, or stalked me, I wouldn't have time to be my fabulous self.

June

[after getting her stomach pumped the night before] I can hang out with you. It's just, I-I can't drink anything.

Chloe

Oh, no, no, no. If you roll with me, you roll as hard as me. I don't want any Judgmental Judys or Sober Sallys in my crew.

June

Didn't you sleep here again last night? Was it that, like, the fourth night this week?

Chloe

So what is your costume this year? Detective Ass-Basket?

June

It's another holiday for you to ruin with your snarky comments.

Chloe

No, that is not true. I love Halloween. I love everything about it.

June

Really?! 'Cause it's my favorite, too, especially this year, because it's the first time in forever that Steven and I haven't been together. You know, I've always been part of a couple's costume. I was always Steven's "and something," you know, doctor and sexy nurse, or doctor and sexy patient.

Chloe

Sherlock Ho. Mm, I should've called you Sherlock Ho.

June

Chloe, I am shocked. I never pegged you as the relationship type, but Benjamin is so great. You guys seem so happy together, and you could tell that he really... he really likes you.

Chloe

Really? Do you think so?

June

Oh, absolutely. This is my area of expertise.

Chloe

Great! So it'll hurt that much more when I totally destroy him! Oh, I would throw my head back and do my evil Halloween laugh, but my neck hurts and my throat kinda does, too.

June

What do you mean, "destroy him"?

Chloe

Every Halloween, I pick a person who annoys me, I figure out their deepest, darkest fears, what would psychologically break them and ruin their lives forever, and then the next Halloween... I do it.

Chloe

I had them mock this up down at the office. I became the managing editor of People magazine today.

June

Yeah, right.

Chloe

It's true. I've taken over a bunch of companies before—Volvo, Dole, Febreze. You just gotta walk in like you own the place, fire the first person to ask you a question, fire the second person to ask you a question, and then gaze out the window and draw a peen on the board. It's the traditional intimidation–confusion–submission technique.

Chloe

We're at my parents' house. We're just gonna go in for a quick five-course meal, we'll be done in nine hours, max.

June

Nine hours?! That is gonna bleed into Black Friday!

Chloe

June, you can have sex with black men any day of the week.

Honey, you know you're pretty. You got it all going on. But sometimes guests, like my boss, can misconstrue when you sit on their lap and feed them ambrosia salad with your fingers.

June

You put your fingers inside of your dad's boss' mouth?

Chloe

June, if there's a sexy piece of man meat in front of me, I'm gonna wanna eat it.

We need to talk. You've got a problem.

June

Me? I'm not the one coming home wasted every morning.

Chloe

June, you're an addict. You are shoveling food into your face constantly. I leave at night, you're eating. I come home in the morning, you're eating. Sometimes I see you leave the house in the middle of the day with a bag of food.

June

That's called breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Chloe

I don't care what the street names are called. The intersection is death.