A character in Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23
Played by James Van Der Beek
Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 · 52 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23: in 6 of its 52 quotes
Most scenes with: Chloe (3), June Colburn (2), Luther Wilson (2)
James[showing his jeans from behind] My publicist thought I should take advantage of all the press I'm getting for Dancing with the Stars and launch my own line of jeans. So... [slaps own butt] Beek Jeans. Put your cheeks in a Beek.
[Luther claps hands]
JamesRight? [turns around]
Holy Mother! Damn it, those are tight! Doesn't that hurt?
JamesSo much. Yeah. But if you want your ass to rock, your plums gotta pay the price.
JamesI ordered you some food. I, uh, I don't really know what girls eat.
Oh, sweetie, we don't. We don't eat. We just live in caves, having our periods, until it's time to have sex with the first guy who buys us a wine cooler and reminds us of our dad.
James[referring to his maid] Why do you hate Yolanda?
[scoffs] I do not hate Yolanda! It's just... if you're El Salvadorian, don't pretend to be Guatemalan, you know?
[Chloe comes home with a man and the two start making out next to June and Mark]
Chloe, we're trying to watch something.
And I am trying to do someone! Now stop watching these stupid dating shows and get in the game, June. Go out and meet somebody.
I have very tough criteria!
JamesHe can't be from your work or your gym, or live in your building.
[lowered voice] We don't work together anymore.
And he can't be someone that Chloe slept with, which is really hard to find.
Hello? How do you think I feel? I only sleep with guys I haven't slept with before. You know my scorched-earth policy.
Um, we've actually had sex before.
Oh. Get out.
[as she and James come back home] Good thing your face was so oily tonight, I could check my makeup in your forehead.
JamesI wish you had, you look like a runner-up at a child's beauty pageant in Ohio.
You look like you just got back from the Douchie Awards and you won five Douchies.
JamesOnly award you could ever win is for letting rappers touch you.
I don't get how you guys talk to each other like that, it's so mean. Especially before bedtime.
JamesIt's not mean. It's just us.
And what I don't get is what the hell you're wearing.
Oh, they're my Midwest breakfast pajamas. I've had them since high school.
[turns to James] When I was in high school, you were a grown man pretending to be in high school on TV.
JamesWatching me pretend to be in high school on TV was as close to high school as you ever got.
James[after Benjamin gives a speech to the crew on the set of James' new commercial] I can't follow that. You can't have two... inspiring first-day-of-production speeches. The SOB usurped me!
He All About Eved you.
JamesWhat?
Oh, sorry. He Showgirld you! [James looks confused] He did better than you did.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
