Chloe quotes from Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

Chloe

Guess what. I finally like an appropriate guy. Mark! I'm totally attracted to Mark.

June

Wait, Mark? My Mark? But you didn't know his name yesterday.

Chloe

I know, but I just had a sex dream about him. Sex dreams never lie.

June

Well, I mean, I— I guess— I guess that could work. I mean, he meets all the criteria. He's cute, he's kind, he has a job.

Chloe

I know! [...] He's great, right? You did it.

June

No, we did it.

Chloe

We did it!

Yay!

Chloe

Well, I'm gonna go take him down to pound town! Ahhhh! [leaves]

June

No! Baby steps. No!

Chloe

[referring to June's new friends from Pilates class] Why do you wanna be their friend? They're catty, obnoxious, and irritating, like all girls.

June

"All girls"? What do you— What do you even mean?

Chloe

I mean, those girls are exactly the reason why I don't hang out with girls. They're competitive, they backstab, and they post group pictures of themselves on Facebook so they can show the world what they look like in a bikini.

June

That was a tankini, and I was tagged in that photo.

Chloe

Look, I just prefer to hang out with dudes. They say what they mean, they like to have fun, and in a pinch, they have a penis.

You're not as interesting as you think you are.

Chloe

Well, you're not as skinny as you think you are.

Shouldn't you be dancing in a glass booth somewhere?

Chloe

No, your mom took my shift.

My mom passed away two years ago!

Chloe

Well, you look like Donald Sutherland.

June

Chloe, we're trying to watch something.

Chloe

And I am trying to do someone! Now stop watching these stupid dating shows and get in the game, June. Go out and meet somebody.

June

I have very tough criteria!

James

He can't be from your work or your gym, or live in your building.

[lowered voice] We don't work together anymore.

June

And he can't be someone that Chloe slept with, which is really hard to find.

Chloe

Hello? How do you think I feel? I only sleep with guys I haven't slept with before. You know my scorched-earth policy.

Um, we've actually had sex before.

Chloe

Oh. Get out.

Luther

[answering phone] Hello, Memo Paris.

Chloe

What? Who's that?

Luther

Kim Basinger's character in The Natural. Remember? The succubus who almost destroyed Robert Redford's baseball career.

Chloe

Luther, can you stop being gay for one second and put James on?

June

I'm drinking all the orange juice. There's enough here for both of us, but I'm gonna drink it all. I'm ignoring you. I am icing you out. I am not giving you any of my energy or my thoughts or my focus. Yep. That's what I'm doing. When friendship blows cold... it blows icy.

Chloe

Ugh. Good God, woman! Stop burying me with your word avalanche.

June

You won, Chloe. You kept pushing me and pushing me to be more fun and spontaneous like you, and I cracked. I cracked two fried eggs on the GMA window.

Chloe

What?

June

Two fried eggs—when you push your boobs up against the glass. It's a pressed ham when you do your butt. Ham, butt. Eggs, boobs.

Chloe

You think I've been trying to get you to be like me? I didn't black lightning you or order you a pig, blow up your dinner, and kidnap your clients to get you to do fried eggs!

June

Then why did you do it?

Chloe

Since you got that new job, you're never around.

June

That's what this is? You missed me?

Chloe

No, I don't miss you. I... miss you reacting to me. I mean, if I can't come home from a crazy night and shock you with my stories, what am I even doing it for? If a crazy, drunk tree barfs in the forest— If Sean Young barfs in the forest, and there's no one there to see it, did it even happen?

No more games, Chloe. I came by your apartment because I wanted to surprise you, not James. Actually... [chuckles] I blew off a big meeting I had in LA because I wanted to come here and see you... because I missed you.

Chloe

[turns to June and whispers] What's happening?

June

[whispering] I-I think he's just being honest with you. Maybe you can... you can do the same?

Chloe

Oh. [turns back to Benjamin, pause] I'm having an affair with Teddy.

What?

Chloe

June, I'm really sorry you had to find out this way. If you need to have an ugly cry, there's a couch in the bathroom.

Uh, Chloe, I was just totally honest with you, so I don't get—

Chloe

What don't you get? I'm having an affair with Teddy, and June's about to ugly cry. Come on, June, give them a little preview. It's like... [imitates ugly cry] I can't do it because I'm too cute.

June

I'm just saying, maybe last night had an effect on you.

Chloe

Shut up! Shut up! This is way too much talking about a guy I haven't even had sex with! We haven't even kissed, except for a part of a Halloween trick!

June

You haven't even real kissed, and you like him this much? Further proof of love!

Chloe

If we weren't late, so help me God, I would turn around and push you down this flight of stairs! I owe you one push down one flight of stairs!

Chloe

[after June announces she is going on a date that night] How many times have you had sex with him?

June

Zero, we've only been on one date.

June

What are you doing?

Chloe

Seeing if your V has been stolen.

June

Oh, get out of there! You know I don't do things that way.

Chloe

You don't do things any way, that's the problem. You date like a Quaker.

June

We'll see! Maybe we'll sit on the same side of the booth, or split a sweet crepe.

Chloe

Quaker words!

Chloe

[as she and James come back home] Good thing your face was so oily tonight, I could check my makeup in your forehead.

James

I wish you had, you look like a runner-up at a child's beauty pageant in Ohio.

Chloe

You look like you just got back from the Douchie Awards and you won five Douchies.

James

Only award you could ever win is for letting rappers touch you.

June

I don't get how you guys talk to each other like that, it's so mean. Especially before bedtime.

James

It's not mean. It's just us.

Chloe

And what I don't get is what the hell you're wearing.

June

Oh, they're my Midwest breakfast pajamas. I've had them since high school.

Chloe

[turns to James] When I was in high school, you were a grown man pretending to be in high school on TV.

James

Watching me pretend to be in high school on TV was as close to high school as you ever got.

June

How could you veto Emily so quickly? You didn't even know her.

Chloe

I didn't need to. It's like a special power. Some people have special powers where they can't see, and some people have special powers where they can't hear.

June

Those are blind and deaf people. They're actually lacking powers.

Chloe

My special power is, I know when James' relationships are going to end badly. I don't know how I do it, but I take one look at the girl and it's like I Beautiful Mind it. And trust me, if he kept going out with her, he'd become soft and complacent.

June

That poor girl. You vetoed her right to her face. She didn't even get any bread.

Chloe

June, if you're not being completely honest with your friends, then you're not helping them be the best that they can possibly be. By the way, you're using the wrong foundation for your skin tone, it actually clashes with your skin tone. It's like your face is one girl, and your neck is another.

June

How are you in AA? You are always drinking!

Chloe

Oh, I'm not in AA because I'm sober. I'm in it because it's the best place to tell my crazy, wild drinking stories to an audience who actually appreciates them. It's like how black comedians get the biggest laughs from black people, whereas white people be all like, [in a mocking voice] "What's he talking about? Can I have another Shirley Temple?"

June

So I told Mark I liked him, and the next thing I know, we're having sex.

Chloe

So you started talking with your mouth and you ended talking with your genitals. I have to say, June, I'm deeply impressed.

June

It was awful.

Chloe

Yes, I know, it can be emotionally confusing and awful and terrible.

June

No, no, no. I don't mean emotionally awful. I mean the sex itself was literally mechanically awful. I'm talking... about people who... don't even... know... what sex is. Like, bad, sweaty, clunky sex. Like two... babies having... intercourse.

Chloe

Gross, June! Why'd you have to put that image in my head? I'm about to go to Little League. That's my new crazy story for AA—I'm gonna cause a drunken scene at Little League, kiss a father, and then grab a metal bat out of a kid's hand and just start swinging.

June

I know you said it doesn't bother you that Melinda St. Claire is number one in Ben's cycle. But you can't pretend that you're not feeling hurt. He's your number one, and you're not his. That is jacked up.

Chloe

June, I've already moved on to other guys in my rotation. I don't really care.

June

Shh! [puts her finger on Chloe's mouth] Just let the perfect breakup song heal your wounds.

Chloe

Take your finger off my face.

June

Sorry. That was too much.

Chloe

June, I don't care how Ben ranks his cycle. Why do you think I date six guys at a time? For exactly this reason. One gets annoying, another one slips right in. It's how Pat Riley ran the Knicks, it's how I run my sex life.