A character in Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23
Played by Krysten Ritter
Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 · 52 quotes
Most-quoted character in Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23: in 46 of its 52 quotes
Most scenes with: June Colburn (29), James Van Der Beek (3), Luther Wilson (2)
[showing his jeans from behind] My publicist thought I should take advantage of all the press I'm getting for Dancing with the Stars and launch my own line of jeans. So... [slaps own butt] Beek Jeans. Put your cheeks in a Beek.
[Luther claps hands]
Right? [turns around]
ChloeHoly Mother! Damn it, those are tight! Doesn't that hurt?
So much. Yeah. But if you want your ass to rock, your plums gotta pay the price.
Chloe[after learning June had casual sex] You see these? Tears of joy. I haven't cried since I was 10 and my mom wouldn't take me to see Pulp Fiction.
[cell phone chimes] Ooh! Oh, it's Charles. "Come over now. I need you." Aw, yeah! Booty text!
ChloeGet out of here, you little slut! I love you! I got you something. It's a casual sex kit. There is makeup remover, cab fare, energy bar, instant coffee, tweezers, tampons, pepper spray, a short article, and pictures of me. For the casual sexer!
I'm a casual sexer!
I can't do this whole casual sex thing. I tried. But I get too attached. I can't be like you. My lady harp has feelings!
ChloeWhy do you have to make things so complicated when it could be just sex?
Because sex is complicated! You've never had feelings for somebody you've slept with?
Chloe"Slept with"? Honey, if you're falling asleep, he's obviously doing something wrong.
[reading from the graphic novel that is based on Chloe] "Patrick Kelly." That's the guy who wrote these. Do you know who that is?
ChloeUgh. June, if I had time to worry about every person who admired, imitated, or stalked me, I wouldn't have time to be my fabulous self.
[after getting her stomach pumped the night before] I can hang out with you. It's just, I-I can't drink anything.
ChloeOh, no, no, no. If you roll with me, you roll as hard as me. I don't want any Judgmental Judys or Sober Sallys in my crew.
Didn't you sleep here again last night? Was it that, like, the fourth night this week?
ChloeSo what is your costume this year? Detective Ass-Basket?
It's another holiday for you to ruin with your snarky comments.
ChloeNo, that is not true. I love Halloween. I love everything about it.
Really?! 'Cause it's my favorite, too, especially this year, because it's the first time in forever that Steven and I haven't been together. You know, I've always been part of a couple's costume. I was always Steven's "and something," you know, doctor and sexy nurse, or doctor and sexy patient.
ChloeSherlock Ho. Mm, I should've called you Sherlock Ho.
Chloe, I am shocked. I never pegged you as the relationship type, but Benjamin is so great. You guys seem so happy together, and you could tell that he really... he really likes you.
ChloeReally? Do you think so?
Oh, absolutely. This is my area of expertise.
ChloeGreat! So it'll hurt that much more when I totally destroy him! Oh, I would throw my head back and do my evil Halloween laugh, but my neck hurts and my throat kinda does, too.
What do you mean, "destroy him"?
ChloeEvery Halloween, I pick a person who annoys me, I figure out their deepest, darkest fears, what would psychologically break them and ruin their lives forever, and then the next Halloween... I do it.
[Chloe shows June a copy of People magazine featuring James on the cover as "Sexiest Man Alive"]
ChloeI had them mock this up down at the office. I became the managing editor of People magazine today.
Yeah, right.
ChloeIt's true. I've taken over a bunch of companies before—Volvo, Dole, Febreze. You just gotta walk in like you own the place, fire the first person to ask you a question, fire the second person to ask you a question, and then gaze out the window and draw a peen on the board. It's the traditional intimidation–confusion–submission technique.
Chloe[barges into the People offices] Why is James not on the cover?!
Uh, Marjorie must have nixed it. [Chloe looks confused] Marjorie has final say.
ChloeStop saying "Marjorie" like I'm supposed to know who that is.
You don't know who Marjorie is?
ChloeOh, my God! One more word and Brenda gets a smackwich!
I don't understand...
ChloeHer face is the lunch meat, my hands are the bread! [smacks both sides of Brenda's head simultaneously, and Brenda screams] Smackwich!
ChloeWe're at my parents' house. We're just gonna go in for a quick five-course meal, we'll be done in nine hours, max.
Nine hours?! That is gonna bleed into Black Friday!
ChloeJune, you can have sex with black men any day of the week.
Honey, you know you're pretty. You got it all going on. But sometimes guests, like my boss, can misconstrue when you sit on their lap and feed them ambrosia salad with your fingers.
You put your fingers inside of your dad's boss' mouth?
ChloeJune, if there's a sexy piece of man meat in front of me, I'm gonna wanna eat it.
We need to talk. You've got a problem.
Me? I'm not the one coming home wasted every morning.
ChloeJune, you're an addict. You are shoveling food into your face constantly. I leave at night, you're eating. I come home in the morning, you're eating. Sometimes I see you leave the house in the middle of the day with a bag of food.
That's called breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
ChloeI don't care what the street names are called. The intersection is death.
Take your money goggles off.
ChloeNo!
Chloe, he has a wife and a child.
ChloeAnd a jet!
Chloe, you are better than this. Take the money goggles off.
Chloe[scoffs] Fine.
[Chloe sees him as a hideous, cartoonish creature with bulging eyes] Hiiiiii!
ChloeWell... That's unfortunate. I'm gonna set fire to his car to punish him for my mistake.
I've always wanted to go to a real-life Hamptons lighthouse. Rainy weather. In a fisherman's sweater. On a bike. With a sandwich and my thoughts.
Chloe[pause] I almost just hit you. I almost just lost control and hit you.
[Chloe and June are attending the tenants' meeting]
Chloe[walks up to the new family and talks to their son] Hi there, I'm Chloe. I live in apartment 23. How old are you? 16? 17?
17 and a half.
ChloeOkay, well, um, according to Megan's Law, I'm required to tell all families with a minor that I live within a 500-foot radius and I'm a registered sex offender.
[June and the other tenants gasp in shock]
[standing up hurriedly] 'Sup? I'm Tony P., but my friends call me Nut-Nut.
Anthony, no!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
