[Earl is telling Robbie about his father.]
He expected me to live in the woods, have kids in the mud, eat my mate and die in pieces. And you know? That was okay for him. But I wanted better.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
It doesn't take a genius to figure that out.
Then you're the guy for the job.
Earl [to Fran]: It's not [Charlene's] tail. Cause that would be a female problem, and she isn't a female yet, so she doesn't have a problem. Which if she did, we wouldn't discuss it in front of the son!
Fine, I'll leave.
I'll go with you.
[Earl punches Roy]
RRoy
Hey! Earl, I don't want to pry into your personal business, but is something bothering you?
Not that I'm aware of.
Mom, you said you were the last one in your class to get your tail. How did you handle it?
Oh, well... that was a long time ago, and I'm sure I handled it with grace and dignity.
She tried to throw herself off the roof.
Mother!
Of course, you weighed 2800 pounds, so the roof collapsed. She fell right through onto Grandpa Louie, who was cleaning his pipe at the time. We never found the pipe, but Grandpa Louie walked funny after that...
[Earl is putting the uneaten food back into the refrigerator]
FFood
And don't be putting me in no vegetable bin. I wake up in the vegetable bin, I'll come out and kick you big flabby dinosaur butt all up and down the super-continent!
Earl [to Charlene]: I don't think nature knows what it's doing. What I think you need is something to protect you from nature.
You mean, like a father?
Well, actually, I was thinking more like a machine gun. But I guess a father would do in a pinch.
How'd I do, Fran?
Well, "not the mama", but you'll do in a pinch.
[Robbie is writing an essay; the Grapdelites pop out of their box]
G1Grapdelite 1
Shouldn't you be hiding us?
G2Grapdelite 2
Can't you see he's thinking?
G1Grapdelite 1
I'm merely reminding him of his responsibility to his father. Now, be quiet!
Hey, I'm trying to write a paper here! Okay?
G2Grapdelite 2
We've offended him!
G1Grapdelite 1
What's your paper about?
G2Grapdelite 2
Oh, it's none of our business!
It's a social studies paper, and it's not going very well. [shows the Grapdelites his paper]
G1Grapdelite 1
"Why dinosaurs rule the Earth? We're big."
Yeah, that really bites, doesn't it?
G2Grapdelite 2
Well, there's certainly no denying that size allows the dinosaur to have almost unlimited benefits.
G1Grapdelite 1
Of course, the duality of nature dictates that for every benefit, there must be a cost.
GGrapdelites
[together] Don't you agree?
Oh, well, I, uh...
G1Grapdelite 1
We've lost him.
G2Grapdelite 2
So try an illustration.
G1Grapdelite 1
Of course. [to Robbie] Why is it good to be big?
Well, we get to eat whoever we want. Uh, no offense.
G1Grapdelite 1
Oh, none taken.
G2Grapdelite 2
However, if we don't plan for the future, there won't be anymore food. That would be the cost.
What do you mean "no more food"? There's always more, that's what "more" means.
G1Grapdelite 1
Oh, dear... [pulls out a bunch of grapes from the box]
G2Grapdelite 2
Imagine that these are all the grapes in the world.
Um, yeah, so?
G1Grapdelite 1
Now, suppose that you eat all the grapes.
Hm, okay. [eats the grapes in one gulp] Okay, now what?
G2Grapdelite 2
Now, suppose you want grapes tomorrow.
Well, I'll go the market and get some.
G2Grapdelite 2
But those were all the grapes in the world.
Well, then I'll have to eat something else.
G1Grapdelite 1
Oh, well, you rule the world.
G2Grapdelite 2
A world without grapes.
So you're saying that if we eat them all, there won't be anymore.
G1Grapdelite 1
I think he understands...
Ha! I can stretch that to 500 words easy!
G1Grapdelite 1
Or maybe he doesn't..
You guys can help me with my homework everyday, or at least until Mom and Dad's anniversary.
[B.P. Richfield overhears Earl having Grapdelites for his 20th anniversary and orders him to come to his office]
You wanted to see me, my captain?
I hear you got your 20th anniversary coming up, Sinclair!
How suspiciously cordial of you to take an interest, sir.
And the wife's probably lookin' forward to that Grapdelite dinner, right?
I'm sure she is, sure.
Yeah, a little wine, candlelight, and those Grapdelites gonna taste so sweet and satisfyin'! Mmm-mmm! You and the wife will probably look each other in the eye and tell each other how very much in love you still are, and who knows? Maybe you'll take a little trip upstairs and... [they both crack up laughing until Richfield bangs his desk, resuming his serious mood] THAT'S NOT HAPPENIN'!!!!
It's not?
I WANT THOSE GRAPDELITES!!!
What?!
They're my favorite food, Sinclair! Everybody's out of'em, you got'em, I want'em! You don't give'em to me, I'm gonna bite off your head!
B-b-b-but I can't give them to your, sir. They're for my wife. If she didn't get them, she'd be very unhappy.
How much is your wife's happiness worth to you, Sinclair?
Well, I see what you're getting at there, sir... uh, Mr. Richfield, but no amount of money is worth taking this away from my wife. My wife's happiness means the world to me.
Here's $50.
It's a small world after all. But with all due respect, you know, there is the matter of my own personal dignity, sir. You only get one 20th anniversary, and if I sell you by Grapdelites, how much is my personal dignity worth?
I got another $23 for your personal dignity.
That should cover it. [takes the money] And what about my self-respect?
I think we've taken care of that.
[Robbie comes back from school in a bad mood]
[to the Grapdelites] Thanks for everything. I got an F. [throws his notebook close to the Grapdelites]
G2Grapdelite 2
Oh, careful!
Oh, sorry. I didn't see you.
G1Grapdelite 1
He seems distressed.
G2Grapdelite 2
I hope it's nothing we've done.
"Why dinosaurs ruled the Earth?" And I wrote a whole essay about what you guys said about how we're too wise to eat all the grapes. Look what the teacher wrote. [shows the Grapdelites his paper]
G1Grapdelite 1
"There'll always be more grapes. That's what 'more' means."
GGrapdelites
An F?!
G2Grapdelite 2
But just because the teacher doesn't understand doesn't mean you failed.
G1Grapdelite 1
Oh, no!
Stanly Kravitz got an A.
G1Grapdelite 1
Well, what did he write?
He wrote, "Because we're big." That was my answer! I had the right answer, and I let you guys talk me out of it! Why did I let you talk me out of it?
G2Grapdelite 2
Because it's wrong.
Yeah, but the teacher thinks it's right.
G1Grapdelite 1
Well, what if the teacher's wrong?
Yeah, right. "What if the teacher's wrong?" I tried that on my parents all the time and it never works. Anyway, the teacher said there would be enough grapes and there would always be enough of everything, then she called me a radical!
G1Grapdelite 1
But there's not gonna be always enough of everything?
Ah, leave me alone. I already flunked once, and that's what I get for letting food do my homework.
[the Grapdelites gasp]
G1Grapdelite 1
Robbie, we're the last two grapes!
What?!
G2Grapdelite 2
That's why they can't find anymore of us, they're aren't any.
G1Grapdelite 1
We're the last of our kind.
How can that be?
G2Grapdelite 2
Because we're delicious. [Robbie and the Grapdelites chuckle]
My parents are gonna eat you tomorrow night and there won't be anymore of you at all!
G2Grapdelite 2
Oh, boy. What a blow to your teacher.
You guys should try to escape or something.
G1Grapdelite 1
No, no, we need to help you with your paper.
G2Grapdelite 2
It's very important.
G1Grapdelite 1
Yes, very.
But this is your last night on Earth. Forget the paper! The assignment is over!
G2Grapdelite 2
No, it's not. Not if you don't the answer yet.
G1Grapdelite 1
No, no. Here, Robbie. Try it again.
Alright.
G1Grapdelite 1
Now, why do dinosaurs rule the Earth?
Why?
Robbie!
G1Grapdelite 1
That's your father!
G2Grapdelite 2
Happy anniversary!
Shh! [hides the Grapdelites under a blanket]
[steps into the room] Robbie, give me the Grapdelites.
[Earl is watching television, dejectedly, after becoming disillusioned with his job]
TTV
Why are you stuck in a boring dead-end job?
I don't know.
TTV
Why does your boss always yell at you?
Can't figure it out.
TTV
Why is your life such a complete mess?
Will you stop pickin' on me?
TTV
Why ask 'Why'? Drink alcohol! Nobody likes a thinker! You may not be able to change your life, but you can change the way you look at it. Alcohol. The more you drink, the less you think!
Earl, Monica needs a job, and there's going to be an opening down at work, right?
Right.
So...
So? So? Fran, will you stop talking in riddles?
I want you to take Monica to work and get her interview with Mr. Richfield.
A female tree-pusher? You can't be serious! It's ludicrous! I'd be a laughingstock!
Mr. Richfield?
What?!
There's someone I'd like you to meet.
[looks out the window of his trailer and sees Monica] Well, you brought me a female, eh, Sinclair?
Well, I, uh...
BPB.P. Richfiend
That's mighty nice, but I already got a wife. Nice gesture, though.
Oh, thank you, but, she's here for the... [very quickly] tree-pusher job.
[jumps in shock] WHAT?! A FEMALE TREE-PUSHER?! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!! IT'S LUDICROUS!! YOU'RE A LAUGHINGSTOCK!!
Just as I predicted! So, should I tell her to go away?
It's too late now. We're an equal opportunity employer. We got strict guidelines about this sort of thing. We can't just send her away. [looks into manual] Let's see. Ah, here it is. "Interviewing a female obligate: smile a lot, compliment her handbag, then send her away."
Well, she can't ask for more than that.
[As Monica has her interview with B.P. Richfield]
My, that's a lovely handbag.
Excuse me?
I was just complimentin' your handbag.
I don't have a handbag. I don't have hands.
Well, then, let me compliment your lovey... [Earl points to Monica's necklace] Neck! [Earl makes a small sign] Small. Neck-small. My, my, that's a lovely neck-small.
[a bit offended] Thank you.
[Earl points to his ears]
Uh, sounds like a... [Earl points to himself] Moron? [Earl groans in frustration] WHAT?!?
Necklace!
Necklace! Necklace! M-m-my, that's a lovely necklace!
Excuse me, but what does my necklace have to do with getting this job?
It's just that you're such a dainty little thing, and tree-pushin' requires such strength, and a large degree of technical knowledge.
I'm sure it's way over my head, but hypothetically, will I be knocking down trees like those outside?
Aw, come on! I already said you have a nice necklace, now take it own outta here!
Oh! [shakes her head, causing the entire trailer to shake]
When can ya start?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dinosaurs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.