Al SwearengenDon't you think I don't understand. I mean, what can anyone of us ever really fuckin' hope for, huh? Except for a moment here and there with a person who doesn't want to rob, steal or murder us? At night, it may happen. Sun-up, one person against the fuckin' wall, the other may hop on the fuckin' bed trusting each other enough to tell half the fucking truth. Everybody needs that. Becomes precious to 'em. They don't want to see it fucked with.
Al Swearengen
You pay… or she pays. No home visits. Do your visiting on the premises, five. [Sol slides five coins across the bar] Seven for an ass-fuck.
Al Swearengen
Hey Doc, how long were you planning on taking before you told me what the fuck was wrong with Jewel?
Nothing, nothing she wasn't born with.
Al Swearengen
Mmm, I mean, she told me she was knocked up but I assumed that was her gimp sense of humor.
She wants me to brace her leg so her dragging it doesn't drive you crazy.
Al Swearengen
So what'd you tell her?
Not to worry about your moods, that you generate those yourself and then you find your excuse for having 'em.
Al Swearengen
Saucy words Doc, good thing you're handy with the snatch.
I had an idea for a boot, just now measured her for it.
Al Swearengen
If you treat her as successfully as you did the minister, she'll be kicking up her heels in no fucking time.
I will leave you now to pursue another excuse.
Al Swearengen
Age impedes my stream, no fucking fear of you.
Al Swearengen
All in due fucking course but tell me one thing first, Bullock, as I stand here fucking humbled. Does the widow Garret have a going fucking hard rock concern and five-stamp mill crushing gold out of her quartz all day and fucking night?
Al Swearengen
Or does she cast her lot with the camp, furnish others here a chance to develop what they got, to hang on or even prosper?
You pie-faced cocksucker, get in here and account for your insult.
Al Swearengen
Or, with you at her ear - among other points of entry - instead of doing your civic duty, does she ship her fucking loot to Denver?
Civic duty? Opposed by her own and her dead husband's family, to put her assets at play in a camp with no law or government worth the name?
Al Swearengen
See as here where she lives and struck lucky, civic duty? Yeah! And it's time for her and some others to quit their fucking shirking, Yankton's making its move. Ah, the fucking thing!
Meaning what, "Yankton's making its move"? Without more insults.
Al Swearengen
We're getting ass-fucked. Carved into counties, but not one fucking commissioner coming from the hills.
How do you have this information?
Al Swearengen
From the governor himself in a pricey little personal note. They want to make us a trough for Yankton's snouts, and them hoopleheads out there, they need buttressing against going over to those cocksuckers. Now I can handle my areas, but there's dimensions and fucking angles I'm not expert at. You would be if you'd sheathe your prick long enough.
Al Swearengen
And resume being the upright pain in the balls that graced us all last summer.
Shut up, you son of a bitch.
Al Swearengen
Jesus Christ. Bullock, the world abounds in cunt of every kind, including hers. [Bullock removes his Sheriff's badge] Of course, if it would steer you from something stupid, I, uh, could always profess another position.
Will I find you've got a knife on you?
Al Swearengen
I won't need no fucking knife.
The economic aspect is one fabric in the tapestry of journalism.
Swearengen
Ass-fucking the dirt worshippers being another? A pleasure beyond gain.
Swearengen
Oh, is that your Heathen imitation? Jump up and down and give a few whoops, as in "Whoop, that ass fucking hurts."
For what it's worth, Yankton's afraid of Bullock.
Al Swearengen
Well, say no more. Refrain from explaining yourself.
Till Congress approves, nothing's to say the Hills get made part of Dakota. Far as that, Montana's got pull Dakota don't. Montana's got silver for bribes.
Al Swearengen
Thievin' Indian agent's all fucking Dakota's got.
It ain't fucking fresh money to the game.
And how does that argue for Bullock living or dying?
Yankton thinks Bullock's Montana's Man.
Al Swearengen
On what basis?
He was favorite of a judge in Helena that wanted him in politics. They figure he's a stalking horse here for the judge's interests.
Then Yankton's got their head up their fucking asses if they think Bullock's anybody's man. Hell, Bullock himself don't even know whose man he is.
Al Swearengen
In the thoroughfare, as I readied to stab the cocksucker, did you have no impulse to hint at this?
The moment didn't seem right.
Al Swearengen
Over time, your quickness with a cocky rejoinder must have gotten you many punches in the face.
Depends what you call, 'many'.
There's another fucking clever one.
Al Swearengen
To Yankton's thinking, would Bullock dead curb Montana's interests or incite them to a stronger expression?
Al Swearengen
If he's spoiling to mix it with us further, they may get a chance to find out.
Al Swearengen
Jesus Christ!
Either Al got God or Dolly just stuck her thumb back up his ass.
Al Swearengen
Now, I'm halfway thinking this exaggerates the condition rather than alleviate it. If I might should query the doc, but then that cocksucker will only ask after gleets. Oh my God! Take it out. Take it out! Remove your fucking thumb! Why, if I was moving forward to get away from you, would you have fucking pursued me? When I stopped, pressed on yourself, to drive your thumb into my intestine?
Al Swearengen
Is it a river of blood, or what the fuck's pouring out of it now?
Al Swearengen
Huh. Close the ass-flap. The entire area of my fucking asshole is now one gigantic fucking throb. I have no idea what's transpiring in there.
Al Swearengen
[Receiving a blowjob] Even this, now gives me no pleasure.
[From outside] Swearengen! Be down in five minutes with my gun and badge!
Start down now, you limey cocksucker! Allow for getting stuck from crawling out from under the bed.
Al Swearengen
That Bullock is a fucking strategist, ain't he? Sets terms to publicly humiliate me, and my penalty if I don't comply is he walks into the bar downstairs and takes fifteen bullets in the chest. And that ain't no hooplehead, you know. Bullock, he's one of those special fucking cases, you don't know what in fucks going on in their mind, and he's big with Montana. Big. I heard that today. Because the news earlier from Yankton and the fucking commissioners wasn't adequately confusing. Not to mention the fucking telegraph coming in and four whores that I don't know who the fuck they work for.
[From outside] Three minutes!
Al Swearengen
Shut the fuck up! I suppose I do fucking understand. So fucking confused and disgusted and wanting it to end and looking for the blessing of a quick way out. Sets himself to a higher fucking standard than our natures, and he wants execution 'cause he's failed.
What the fuck happened to two?
Al Swearengen
Talk about one person, fucking up another person's entire fucking day. [Goes outside to the balcony, points at Bullock] Wait.
Al Swearengen
I regret the delay, I was sequestered. Have been, one thing and another, since last we met. I also apologize for the stink.
Welcome change from your usual odor of skunk!
Al Swearengen
I offer these, and I hope you'll wear them a good long fucking time in this fucking camp, whose ever fucking thumb we're under. And where it come to me just a few moments ago that the Reverend Smith, may he rest his soul, he was found on the road, apparently murdered by heathens just some months ago. What he said on the subject of you: 'Mr. Bullock raises a camp up' and I hope he'll reside with us and improve our general fucking atmosphere for a good long fucking time, even with all the personal complications and fucking disasters that we all fucking have, and where, running away solves absolutely fucking nothing.
[regarding Sofia] You frighten her.
Al Swearengen
I have that effect.
I think specifically it was your plotting against her life.
Al Swearengen
I'd take tea
What do you wish to discuss?
Al Swearengen
The child's tutor you recently sacked..
Al Swearengen
She's a Pinkerton.
I don't find that credible.
Al Swearengen
That's the way they like it. Your husband's family chartered the agency to pin his dying on you so when you're jailed or hanged they can bag your gold.
How do you support this contention?
Al Swearengen
Oh, she's come to me, and wants to give me money to confirm what she says you confessed: that you hired me to kill him.
How much have they offered?
Al Swearengen
50,000
And how much do you ask of me as commission to tell the truth?
Al Swearengen
I don't like the Pinkertons. They're muscle for the bosses, as if the bosses ain't got enough edge...
So you'd side with me on principle?!
Al Swearengen
Now I'll finish my fucking sentence.
Al Swearengen
I don't like the Pinkertons. Being the Hearst combine and their fucking ilk got their eyes on taking over here, your staying suits my purpose.
Al Swearengen
What happened to Tolliver illustrated till the race is fucking finished, never mark the fucking wager paid. Wakes up this mornig in bed with the fucking Hearst combine, knowing he's got us by the balls. Whatever sick fucking business that geologist has transacted, you can bet he had his wrists in it up...
Al Swearengen
Tolliver, yeah.. before, after, and in the fucking middle too, thinking he's got the fucking edge, which is the right fucking move. Underwriting whatever sick business that geologist was involved in guarantees his fucking position, but what fucking happens, Dan?
Fucks himself up the ass.. Tolliver.
Swearengen
No mean feat! Yet how often we bring it off.
Al Swearengen
Request of the widow Garret E.B. that I may be allowed to call upon her.
Today? Shall I tell her time is of the essence?
Al Swearengen
When ain't it?
I'll aim for early afternoon
Al Swearengen
Stop walking with me E.B..
Yes, of course. And if she pries and pokes and prods me to elicit your intentions?
Al Swearengen
Tell her I wouldn't say.
And if she asks me why you wouldn't?
Al Swearengen
Say you're a pain in my balls that can't desist from inquiry till told to shut his fucking mouth and act on the task he was asked to fucking do!
Deadwood · 249 quotes
