Al Swearengen quotes from Deadwood

E.B. Farnum

Have we a new Pope?

Al Swearengen

She's some fuck, E.B..

Al Swearengen

What's this about?

Trixie

I'm done at that hardware store with their fuckin' harpin' and badgerin'.

Al Swearengen

Who's harping? The jew?

Trixie

Are you making a fuckin' pun?

Al Swearengen

I'm asking a fucking question.

Trixie

The jew. And fuckin' Bullock also. I'm erratic with my decimals and the like.

Al Swearengen

So harping now is a hardship on the same fucking order of a boot on your fucking neck? Do not fucking fault them, Trixie, for your own fucking fears of tumblin' to somethin' new.

E.B. Farnum

Why, Al?

Al Swearengen

Why, E.B.? Because being present at that meeting and made as you are, blackmail would have proved irresistible and pursuing it would have gotten you murdered.

Dan

Sometimes I hear you speakin' in here when I know there's nobody in here but you.

Al

You have not yet reached the age, Dan, have you, where you're moved to utterance of thoughts properly kept silent?

Dan

Been known to mutter.

Al

Not the odd mutter. Habitual fuckin' vocalizing of thoughts best kept to yourself. I will confide further. Lately... I talk to this package: the severed rotting head I paid bounty on last year of that murdered fuckin' Indian.

Al Swearengen

Summon from Farnum that cunt with the long Kraut moniker.

Johnny Burns

E.B. ain't been over for coffee.

Al Swearengen

Should I ask if Farnum's come for coffee before I get you to summon that cunt? [To the disembodied 'Chief'] Dead and without a body, you strill outstrip him for intelligence.

A.W. Merrick

Is this true, Al?

Al Swearengen

Did he fucking confirm it to you?

A.W. Merrick

I haven't spoken to Bullock.

Al Swearengen

So, then I guess it ain't confirmed. Answer me this fucking question: why in fuck do I find out about this telegraph operator arriving tardily and by accident?

A.W. Merrick

I wasn't aware that you were owed official notification.

Al Swearengen

Merrick, you and me are allies, marching into battle together, and aren't smart-assed replies amongst allies a waste of fucking time?

Al Swearengen

Every rumor you floated in your article, Merrick, I believe is a living possibility for this camp, and I want you to fucking hear that as a compliment.

A.W. Merrick

If so, it's the first from your lips.

Al Swearengen

Because all them possibilities, called next to accomplished fact, in one fucking outgush makes people smell a rat.

A.W. Merrick

Yes, I suppose so.

Al Swearengen

These interests coming after us, Merrick, they're fucking rough. They're going after our nuts. They're hypocrite cocksuckers, and the fucking lying tactics and instruments they use to fuck people up the ass can be turned against them.

A.W. Merrick

My newspaper being such an instrument.

Al Swearengen

But scale, amount, proportion, seasoning. Drink that fucking second shot, Merrick!

A.W. Merrick

I like my fucking liquor.

Al Swearengen

A trait in you that gave me early hope.

Al Swearengen

Mrs. Garret writ me a letter saying how yesterday she lost her temper with you somewhat, and judgment, she tipped she was on to you being a Pinkerton. Oh, being bright, I expect you concluded it was me must have told her, meaning maybe I had sold over to her, and with my allegiance now in question, I expect you wired the Pinkerton big-shots, arguing you oughtn't sign any documents that might be able to prove that you, the agency, and Mrs. Garret's fucking in-laws hired me to lay at Mrs. Garret's doorstep the murder of her husband.

And further, Mr. Swearengen, that as to purchase of your allegiance, now in question, they might wish to keep the bidding open.

Al Swearengen

Bidding is open always on everyone, Miss Isringhausen. But I expect you understand, knowing as I do, should Mrs. Garret lose her claim, rather than operate it themselves, her cunt in-laws will sell to third-party cocksuckers inimical to the whole of my interests in this camp! To buy my allegiance against myself, in-law cunts and shit-heel operators would have to bid very high indeed.

Al Swearengen

Sign these documents and leave unharmed.

I can't trust that, Mr. Swearengen, being that it's not to your interests.

Al Swearengen

That applies to you most, fuckin' sittin' in that chair distracting my fuckin' thinking. If I have to come over there, I'll cut your fuckin' throat for you, pen yet put to paper or not.

A.W. Merrick

And thus the uncharted journey continues.

Al Swearengen

Merrick, please. As we'll be more often in each other's company, when given to utterance of that type--consider drinking.

Al Swearengen

Before his present troubles and whilst you pursued your preferred activities, your partner Bullock joined in a campaign to which I hope you will now subscribe.

Sol Star

What do you mean my, "preferred activities"?

Al Swearengen

Oh, a reference to your people's penchatn for money-getting. A poor attempt at wit.

Sol Star

I don't find those funny.

Al Swearengen

I apologize.

Sol Star

If you want my help, don't insult me.

Al Swearengen

Oh, Jesus Christ, show me the secret grip that proves my regret and let's be about our fucking business.

Hearst

[noticing a stuffed buck's head on the wall] Your kill, sir?

Swearengen

Who?

Hearst

The animal.

Swearengen

Oh fuck no, I'm a fucking terrible shot. Work better closer in.

Tom Nuttall

There's talk of an offer on my place.

Al Swearengen

How will you answer?

Tom Nuttall

I came to take counsel with you.

Al Swearengen

Drunk or sober is my question.

Tom Nuttall

Well, I have my wits about me, Al.

Al Swearengen

Maybe, then, you'll want a few more, huh?

Tom Nuttall

Don't talk to me in fucking riddles.

Al Swearengen

Drunk, Tom, for reasons not to do with business, you'll sell. If that's your decision, let me offer. Sober, you know sellin's stupid.

Al Swearengen

I need your truthful reply. Lie, I will know it, and death will be no respite.

E.B. Farnum

I told Hearst nothing of Bullock and the Widow.

Al Swearengen

I will profane your fucking remains, E.B.

E.B. Farnum

Not my remains, Al.

Al Swearengen

Gabriel's Trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig.

E.B. Farnum

You told me not to tell him, and I didn't.

Al Swearengen

I believe you.

E.B. Farnum

My pain is such that gives me no solace.

Al Swearengen

Well try not to blame Bullock for presuming it was you considering your fucking history. Anyways, tonight's speeches are fucking canceled. Nurse your fucking wounds.

E.B. Farnum

Thank you.

Al Swearengen

I do not mean here.

Al Swearengen

Bloodletting on my premises that I ain't approved I take as a fucking affront. It puts me off my feed.

Hearst

How do we know when you are off your feed?

Al Swearengen

You'll start to see me tearing things down. Speeches tonight are canceled. Unless the insult's cured by tomorrow, there'll be further tearing down. Fuck the fucking elections, and fuck the agreement with Yankton. Let the camp return to its former repute: unstable and unsafe for commerce.

Hearst

I'm a great believer in those.

Al Swearengen

Oh, stability, Sir, and commerce? I can fucking imagine. Think of all they've helped you accomplish.