Catherine Willows quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

David

I hate when you CSI guys get territorial.

Catherine

Yeah well the victim's family hate it when we don't.

Catherine

I just realized that you and I have a very healthy relationship.

Grissom

We do?

Catherine

When we have a problem, I don't paint Greg in latex and stick a straw up his nose.

Grissom

Good. He'd probably like it.

Catherine

You're supposed to say something revealing back to me.

Grissom

Okay. I never told anyone this, Catherine......

Grissom

To get to the evidence, we may destroy the evidence.

Catherine

Do you get these haiku's out of a book, or do they just come to you?

Grissom

Every time you find a body, you have to choose a path. And when you take that path, grasshopper, you risk destroying the evidence.

Catherine

We grab a trough and some fine-mesh screens and pretend like we're panning for gold, Master.

Lady Heather

Go ahead, ask. "How can I do this for a living?"

Catherine

Oh, that's not what I was thinking. [pause] How much does this place clear a week?

Lady Heather

Ten grand.

Catherine

I'm not with the IRS.

Lady Heather

Okay. Twenty.

Catherine

I don't make that in…three months.

Lady Heather

Sex pays a lot better than death.

Catherine

Plus the outfits are cooler.

Lady Heather

Well, I have this genius tailor. Worked at the Desert Inn back in the day. I let him come in weekends and play human ashtray, he designs for me and my girls. It's a fair trade.

Catherine

You got a good thing going here. And the best part is that these guys think getting slapped around and humiliated is their fantasy.

Lady Heather

Like I told my daughter—

Catherine

You got a daughter?

Lady Heather

Eighteen this month. Freshman at Harvard.

Catherine

Really? Mine's seven.

Lady Heather

Oh, that's a great age.

Catherine

Yeah.

Lady Heather

When I thought Zoe was old enough to hear it, I told her, "Honey, there are a lot of things you can give a man. Your body, your time, even your heart. But the one thing you can never, ever, ever let go of is your power."

Catherine

All my mother ever said to me was "Cash up front."

Lady Heather

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you've got everything it takes to make a great dominatrix.

Catherine

I take that as a compliment.

Lady Heather

Well you should. It's just about knowing yourself, being strong…and not taking any crap from powerful jerks who are used to giving it all day long.

Catherine

Well, death is still a man's business. And I don't have to tell you about police work.

Lady Heather

So how do you survive?

Catherine

By knowing myself. And working hard. And not taking any crap from powerful jerks who are used to giving it all day long.

Catherine

Fluorescent powders?

Sara

Ye, why not, they're in the kit.

Catherine

Protocol's black.

Sara

Since when do you care about my choice of powders?

Catherine

Assistant coroner is four hours late and we are stuck out here until he transports the body and I haven't even heard from Grissom.

Sara

You know I've never tried green.

Catherine

I should never have been sent to this remote scene in the first place I've got seniority, I deserve no, I've earned the right to pick my cases.

Catherine

If I start eating I will shut up.

Sara

Do you have a mirror?

Catherine

Since when do you care about your appearance?... I mean at a crime scene.

Sara

It's not for me.

Grissom

Whoa. Careful. Livestock. [Holds up his jar of roaches] Hissing roaches from Madagascar.

Catherine

Sorry.

Grissom

These babies run two and a half miles an hour.

Catherine

I don't doubt that for a minute.

Grissom

Fifth annual entomological convention in Duluth. Cockroach racing finals.

Catherine

You're roach racing.

Grissom

Actually, I'm giving a tutorial on preserving mass crime scenes. The sideshow is racing this guys.

Catherine

Ah.

Grissom

I mean, to have a chance to run against legendary roaches like Cocky Balboa, The Drain Lover, Priscilla, Queen of the Gutters. It's huge.

Catherine

What do you feed those guys?

Grissom

Dog food.

Catherine

And who's...supervising night shift?

Grissom

You are.

Catherine

Me? I am on the red-eye to Reno. The Braun Family is opening a new casino. I am Sam's date.

Grissom

That's tonight?

Catherine

I told you once, memo'd you twice. [she sighs. Grissom is distracted by the roaches in the container]

Grissom

Man, these guys are primed.

Catherine

[leaving]: Better get somebody.

Grissom

Okay, let's run this. Amanda was tired of being number two, so she calls up Mrs. Logan to discuss her affair with her husband. But Mrs. Logan doesn't just discuss it she throws down the gauntlet.

Catherine

Amanda broke the only rule. Don't call the missus.

Nick

Now he really has a problem.

Warrick

Two problems. His wife is going to leave him, take half his money and he was going to jail.

Sara

You got to admit, his solution was ingenious.

Grissom

Most killers take their time planning a murder. He took his time covering it up. Forty-eight hours to be precise. So Logan cleans up the crime scene and calls his lawyer. Asks him to help him with his little charade. I mean, what better way to protect your assets than to pay a kidnapper who's already on retainer?

Catherine

Everything from that point on was calculated.

Grissom

Blood on his hands...he's the last customer of the day at the bank. Acting suspiciously...

Catherine

...driving recklessly.

Warrick

He knew he'd get hauled in to the cops.

Catherine

You bet your ass. He didn't leave those sunglasses behind by accident. His cell phone rang on cue. The call's for me. He practically forced that money into his lawyer's hands.

Grissom

Out of one pocket, into the other. I especially liked the little show he did for us in the coroner's lab. Trying to find out how much we knew.

Nick

Why make the map? Why lead Catherine to the body?

Grissom

Because without the body Logan would always be under suspicion.

Sara

If not by the police, by his wife.

Warrick

So, he left these wine glasses for you to find.

Catherine

Sure, we wanted us to suspect the wife. That's why he used her SUV to transport the body. And he let me mark the money because he knew that eventually his lawyer would touch it.

Sara

Why though? The money was in a suitcase.

Warrick

A million dollars. Pretty tempting.

Grissom

I saw the locker and I saw Logan's briefcase. It was too big to fit inside. His lawyer had to remove the cash by hand.

Sara

How could he possibly know that Catherine was going to mark the money?

Warrick

He didn't. He probably thought the bank marked it.

Nick

Besides, there's always fingerprints.

Catherine

So I did everything in my power to help him.

Catherine

Oh look, one of your friends.

Grissom

It's a carpet beetle, it shouldn't be here.

Catherine

Vic seem more like a hard-wood floor kinda guy to you?

Sara

Wow, you got to go to the body farm?

Catherine

Yeah.

Sara

I've always wanted to go there. What was it like?

Catherine

Quiet.

Warrick

I hear Grissom goes there all the time. Like even on his nights off.

Nick

[Walking over to the fridge] Why does that not surprise me? [He opens the fridge and sighs] Man, something stinks in here again. [He grabs his lunch out of the fridge]

Sara

What, bad milk? Cottage-cheese bad?

Nick

Worse. It's all over my sandwich. Smell that. [He hands her his sandwich, she reacts to the smell. She then kneels down to look in the fridge and sees a container on the top shelf]

Sara

Yeah. He's got one of his experiments in there.

Nick

You're kidding me?

Sara

It's not bugs.

Warrick

Oh, that's so not cool. That's a community fridge.

Nick

Man, someone has got to talk to Grissom about this.

Grissom

[Walking in]: Talk to me about what?

Nick

You leaving your experiments in our refrigerator.

Grissom

Well, the lab fridge was full. I put in last night.

Nick

Well...

Grissom

I'm going to test for horizontal motion on bloodstains. Vis-a-vis surface textures. [Nick looks annoyed. Catherine takes a sip of her coffee and discretely tries to ignore the smell. Grissom is clueless as he takes out the container of blood from the fridge and opens it] Hey, any of you guys got any linoleum at home? [Catherine catches a smell of the open container and this time, she discretely pinches her nose trying to avoid the smell. Sara is quiet]

Nick

[sits down still annoyed at being ignored] That blood is rank, man.

Warrick

Way to go, Nick. You really told him.

Nick

I told him...he just didn't hear it.

Robbins

Glad I'm a dog person.

Grissom

You know, house cats have only been domesticated for 4,000 years. They still have predatory instincts.

Catherine

Only 4,000?

Grissom

Yeah.

(holding up a shell casing) Normally you can spot a Glock casing from about a block away! (examining it) Rectangular firing pin impressions. This isn't fired from your chief's weapon! (realizes she hasn't introduced herself) Oh! By the way! I'm Calleigh Duquesne! (before Catherine can speak) Don't ask me how to spell it! (sees the look on Catherine's face) Southern!

Catherine

Well I'm southern too! (means the country) Nevada!

Horatio

(laughs at Catherine's comment which earns him a jealous look from Calleigh)

Do you have a theory on how the mother and girl ended up here from Las Vegas?

Catherine

We don't work theories! (notices Warrick checking out Calleigh) Do we, Warrick?

Warrick

(snapping back to reality) No, just the evidence!

(laughs) Well, we're a bit more fanciful down here. Aren't we Horatio?

Horatio

I'd say that's a fair point!

Nick

I wired the target to the car's alarm system. Gotta make sure we hear it.

Catherine

Always thinking there, Nicky, aren't ya?

Nick

Okay, remember full out the fifth then hit the nitrous and hang on.

Catherine

You just try to keep up.

Catherine

D.A. just got the call. Tom's manager hired Marjorie Westcott to defend him.

Nick

"Soundbite" Westcott?

Catherine

Guilty, rich client, high-profile case it's right up her alley. Publicity for her new cable show.

Grissom

Forget about who's involved. We do this like we do any other case.

Grissom

Tom Haviland's attorneys are not waiving time.

Nick

Are you serious?

Sara

They're actually exercising their right to a speedy trial?

Gil

No requests for continuances, no stall tactics. They're pushing for their day in court.

Warrick

Good defense attorney always does the last thing you expect.

Catherine

Yeah. What typically drags on for months has now been put on the fast track and the prelim is less than 72 hours.

Greg

I'm only done processing half the evidence.

Catherine

You're going to have to call in help, because if the judge thinks that our evidence isn't strong enough to go to trial, he's going to dismiss the charges on Tom.

Sara

Can't the D.A. drop the charges and we'll refile when we get our evidence together?

Catherine

Sure, but the odds are that Tom will relocate to Europe and pull a Polanski.

Greg

And what's a Polanski?

Grissom

Get-out-of-jail-free card. One more thing: Westcott just added a forensic scientist to their roster. She wants him to examine every piece of evidence we have against Haviland.

Nick

As soon as it's processed they'll get a copy of our report.

Gil

They're entitled to see it as it's processed.

Nick

I've never done a case where the defendant took advantage of that rule of discovery.

Gil

Well, when you can't attack the evidence itself, you attack the method of gathering the evidence.

Sara

So who's their guy?

Grissom

Dr. Phillip Gerard.

Sara

Phillip Gerard? Your mentor is their forensic scientist?

Grissom

Yeah. Marjorie Westcott's a smart lawyer.

Catherine

Marjorie's requesting copies of CSI's proficiency test records, by midnight.

Grissom

So relax. If any of us had failed the yearly proficiency test, we wouldn't be here.

Catherine

You completely forget, don't you? My test is on appeal.

Grissom

Oh, right.

Catherine

Board said I was wrong on one question. I said the question was ambiguous. They're going to rule my way, but not before the prelim. [sighs] Just trying to rattle me.

Grissom

Is it working?

Catherine

Maybe I should just take a page out of your book. If I don't collect or analyze anything, I don't have to testify. Of course, it helps to be boss. Very politic. Ecklie must be rubbing off on you.

Grissom

Yeah, that's it. Ecklie.