Gil Grissom quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Sara

I hate bees.

Grissom

Just paper wasps. They're having too much fun to worry about us.

Sara

I never get used to this part, you know when the bugs get going.

Grissom

Just doing what god intended, recycling us back to the earth.

Brass

I ID'd her body through AFIS, and located her husband.

Grissom

Let me guess. Downtown? The Fremont District? (Brass looks disappointed)

Brass

You know, I'm not even going to ask.

Grissom

You've still got to convince a jury.

Sara

On guns. It's got to be better than bugs. Less Latin.

Sara

You're the one who said one piece of evidence is better than ten eyewitnesses.

Grissom

What do you tape everything I say?

Grissom

How ya doing Jim? How's your old job?

Brass

I can sling scum all day. You?

Grissom

I curse more.

Brass

Oh yeah? Well wait.

Grissom

You don't have a worry that technology is gonna make us obsolete?

Catherine

No.

Grissom

[swipes a yellow substance that has dropped on the leg of a shopping cart and licks it]

Brass

Oh, that's sanitary.

Grissom

Mustard. [Glances behind, noticing a bunch of jars of mustard on the shelf] Did you have any clean-ups in this aisle today?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, we did.

Grissom

Life holds no surprises. [Takes a jar of mustard from the shelf, checks the price and hands two dollars to the store manager] $1.98 for the mustard, plus my two cents. [Takes the jar and drops it at Brass' feet. The jar shatters, splattering mustard on Brass' shoes and pants]

Brass

What are you doing?!

Grissom

Now, where do you go?

Warrick

What's that?

Grissom

You...at the Monaco Casino.

Warrick

What? I don't believe this. Now you're pulling up film on me?

Grissom

Casinos tape everyone who walks through their door, Warrick, you know that. I thought we had a deal.

Warrick

We do.

Grissom

Look, what you do on your time is nobody's business. What you do on my time is my business. [Warrick sighs and sits down]

Warrick

I was at the casino. But I wasn't gambling. [Grissom sits and listens to what he has to say, screen cuts to a different scene]

Grissom

Sara Sidle. 419. [Grissom hands the assignment sheet to Sara]

Sara

Dead body -- bonus.

Catherine

Whoa, somebody likes their job.

Grissom

Nick Stokes. 416, fight at the Bellagio. She says she's a friend of yours.

Catherine

Ex-girlfriend, Nick?

Nick

Well, that depends. Was she the assaulter of the assaultee?

Sara

You tell us, you like leather or lace?

Nick

[chuckles] No, I'm not even going there. [turns to leave, but turns back] Lace! [Sara smiles]

Brass

A kid from a crime lab doing favors for a hooker, can't make the unit look too good, huh, boss?

Grissom

Yeah, well, I'll get into it.

Brass

I bet that's just what Nicky said.

Catherine

[walking past them and toward the crime scene] You two ladies done talking? It's hot out here.

Brass

[Leads them to the body] Kid over there was taking a whiz on the side of the road, found the body.

Grissom

[Touches the body] And she's stiff...like a two-minute burrito that's only been nukes for a minute.

Brass

In this heat?

Grissom

That's my Big Mouth Billy Bass. It's better than a watch dog. I got some valuable stuff in here.

Nick

Yeah, I'm sure lots of people would want to steal your two headed scorpion and Miss Piggy.

Sara

[storms in, angrily] You weren't in your office.

Grissom

And good morning to you Miss Sidle.

Sara

Warrick has a problem, ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. You asked for a report and then you completely ignored my recommendation!

Grissom

I read your report.

Sara

Then at least take him off my case.

Grissom

No. I trust him. Do you trust me?

Catherine

You know how you're always pushing that Holy Trinity stuff?

Grissom

Father, son and Holy Ghost?

Catherine

Victim, suspect and crime scene.

Grissom

Oh, that one.

Yo Grissom! [hits the inmate next to him] This guy is the reason I'm in here. A shoe print! [to Grissom] Yo next time I go barefoot!

Grissom

Even better, footprints.

Grissom

You son of a bitch. You swept my crime scene. You sent cleanup!

I didn't send anyone. It's been on the books for months.

Grissom

So you knew, and did nothing about it even with a man's life on the line?

If you'd have checked the docket like everybody else you would've known what was happening. Coffee? (Ecklie holds the pot out to Grissom, Grissom hits the pot out of Ecklie's hand, it flies across the room and breaks against the door) Guess you don't want cream with that. (Ecklie leaves. Grissom notices the broken glass, and how the coffee drips on to it from the door, he makes the connection with this and the melted glass from the bedroom closet at the crime scene)

Grissom

(smiles) Thanks, Ecklie.