Muriel Bagge quotes from Courage the Cowardly Dog

Muriel

The fresh air, the blue seas, the sky forever.

Blah blah blah! Where's my chair?

Muriel

Oh! There's Eustace with my slipper.

Courage

[screams, then stops the iris out from closing] This still shouldn't happen to a dog. [The iris out closes on his nose] Ow!

Newsman

This is the Nowhere Emergency Broadcast System. We interrupt this program with an emergency tornado watch. This is an emergency. Watch for a tornado.

Muriel

Oh, my! A tornado! We better get to the cellar! [finds herself stuck to her chair; grunting] Oh, my! I'm stuck! Courage, I thought you used the quick-drying paint on the chair.

Courage

[reading the can] "Quick-drying Glue?!" Oh, no!

Little Muriel

[after Courage makes Macaroni and Cheese] This stinks. I hate it this way.

Courage

What's wrong with it?

Little Muriel

Less cheese. More macaroni. Less macaroni. More cheese! More cheese and macaroni. TOO MUCH MACARONI! Ooh, perfect! I hate macaroni and cheese.

Muriel

Oh, Eustace, aren't you excited about your birthday party?

Ain't gonna be no party.

[mumbling while sleeping] There ain't no curse.

Muriel

[wakes up, seeing the rain cloud curse soaking up the bed; disgusted] Eustace!

Huh?

Muriel

The bed's getting soggy. If you can't do away with this curse, you're gonna have to sleep on the roof.

Bah. Ain't no such thing as curses. [wipes the rain from his glasses] No way, no how. [takes off his glasses and wipes them with a cloth, but is startled by lightning strikes from the cloud, causing his glasses to fly out of his hand and land on the edge of the roof] Hey! My glasses! No! I can't see! Where?! Where?! [sees a TV antenna] Huh? Muriel, is that you? [hallucinates the antenna as a wiry monster, then rubs his eyes] You're not Muriel! [starts wrestling with the antenna as Courage comes up with a blanket] Get off my roof! I don't know who you are! [sees Courage] Huh? Huh? [hallucinates him as a giant, sharp-toothed fish, then growls in rage] No solicitors! [charges towards Courage, who screams in fear, and grabs him by the throat] Now you get! We don't want any! [throws Courage off the roof]

Muriel

Rain or no rain, that man should really come to his own birthday party. [calling him through the stove] Eustace, get down here this instant! [Eustace is removing some mushrooms that are growing on his body; through chimney pipe] Eustace, did you hear me? What are you doing up there?!

Huh? [hallucinates the chimney pipe as a snake]

Muriel

Your guests are waiting!

No solicitors. Especially at this hour! You want a piece of me? You want a piece of me?! [rips off a piece of roof plank, then charges towards the chimney pipe and dives in it; then comes out of the stove, scaring everyone while covered in soot]

Muriel

Oh, my. [annoyed] Now see what you went and done, Eustace?! You scared off your guests!

Huh?

Muriel

And you're leaving a ring on the floor! [holds out a coaster] Here, stand on this coaster.

[retorting] You can't fool me! [hallucinates her as a monster] Who? You're not Muriel! [grabs her and pins her down on the floor] One, two, three, I win!

Muriel

You know, Eustace. You should thank Courage for getting rid of that curse.

[takes the thermometer out of his mouth and notices Courage wearing his hat] What you doing with my hat, dog? Bah! [snatches the hat from Courage and puts it on his own head, causing the rain cloud curse to reappear] Bah! There ain't no such thing as a curse. [gets struck by lightning] Bah!

Muriel

[pouring a cup of tea for Professor Frith and offers it to him] This should make you feel better, Mr. Frith. Now, tell us what happened to you, you poor man.

What's happened to me isn't important. What's important is what might happen to you and what happened thousands of years ago. The clothing in this sack tells the story. [takes the Mayan princess' outfit out of his sack] This belonged to a Mayan princess a long time ago. The princess loved cookies. Each day, the royal baker would whip up a jar full of cookies for the princess. The cookie jar was (then) brought to the princess by her most trusted royal Poohbah. And before he would give the cookies, the greedy Poohbah would steal cookies from the jar and sell them for his own profit. One day, the baker caught the Poohbah and went to tell the princess, but the Poohbah got to her first. The Poohbah presented the princess with cookie jars that were only half-full, and said the baker was stealing the missing cookies. The princess was outraged, and ordered the baker to have his mouth sewn shut, his eyebrows plucked, and his body mummified. Most unpleasant. [chuckles] That baker is now a centuries-old mummy. And he's risen. And he's seeking revenge. And he's on his way to this very spot at this very moment.

Muriel

Why here? Why us?

[takes out a scroll from his sack and opens it] Here is an ancient drawing of the princess and the Poohbah.

Muriel

They look just like we do!

[offering Muriel a jar of cookies] Here, my princess, is your daily supply of royal cookies.

Muriel

Thank you, most trusted royal Poohbah. [opens the lid; sniffs] Oh, they smell heavenly. My compliments to the royal baker.

Yeah, yeah, compliments, sure.

Muriel

[looks inside the jar and sees there are no cookies] Hmm.

Something wrong, your princess-ness?

Muriel

There seems to be some cookies missing from the royal cookie jar. Royal Poohbah, do you know who could be responsible for such a terrible crime?

Ain't me. Got me sugarcane.

[presses the fly-paper into Muriel's face] Muriel, your face keeps getting in the way! [accidentally rips off her face as it's stuck to the fly-paper] You ruined my good fly-paper!

Muriel

[threateningly] Eustace, put my face back where it belongs, or it's cold cuts for dinner! [Eustace places her face back on her head, but in upside-down; annoyingly unamused] Oh, you are cheeky. [Eustace rotates her face back to its right side up position; she then bashes him on the head with a rolling pin, making sure he never does that again]

OW!!! [dizzily] What did I do?

Katz

So good of you to come. I hope you found my jam tasty. [chuckles evilly]

Muriel

What do you want with us?

Katz

You see, dear lady and dog, it's been my misfortune to place second year after year in the Nowhere Sweet Stuff Contest. Sad, isn't it?

Muriel

If it's the secret ingredient in my caramel-coated apples you're wanting, you're out of luck.

Muriel

Eustace! What happened to you?

[pulls out stacks of money, happily] Money! [starts laughing]

Muriel

[reading the poem sign] "Whomever steps inside this place, must vanity and greed erase. For if you're vain, well, that's no good. Signed, all of us who wear a hood. P.S.: We warned you."

Gobbledygook.

Muriel

Sounds like people who love themselves and their money more than anything else aren't welcome here.

Big deal.

[coming across the golden hat] It's beautiful! I'd sure look good wearing that hat. [imagines himself wearing the hat and in a pile of gold and cash; laughs as he reaches his hand for the hat, but Muriel smacks it away] OW!

Muriel

Can't you read? [points to a sign, reading…] "Do not touch."

Nope. [chuckles and takes the golden hat, ignoring the sign]

Muriel

Now see what you went and done, Eustace?