Muriel Bagge quotes from Courage the Cowardly Dog

Muriel

[turns around] Shh, I'm watching my favorite show.

Dr. Vindaloo

[takes out a tongue depressor stick] Now, I want you to open your mouth and say, "Ahh." [Muriel opens her mouth really wide with sharped teeth, bites him, and rapidly shakes him]

Shirley the Medium can put you in touch with the hereafter, so you all can live — and die — happily ever after.

Muriel

What a wonderful idea! We could hire Shirley! You and your brother can lay your troubles to rest once and for all.

Our differences are settled — he's dead and I ain't.

Muriel

Oh, my. This looks very old. Eustace.

Huh?

Muriel

Come look what Courage found. What do you suppose it could be?

Well, judging by the markings and the obvious age of the relic, I'd have to say it would be...garbage!

Muriel

Eustace!

Garbage! From King Garbage of the Garbage Dynasty. Stupid dog. Always bringing garbage into the house.

Newsman

But the big story today… million-dollar slab stolen from the Tomb of King Ramses.

Huh? I'm rich!

Muriel

But the man said it was stolen, Eustace. We must return it to its rightful place.

He said a million-dollar slab, and that means I get a million dollars. And you know what a million dollars means. That's right! New lawn chairs!

Return the slab.

What?

Return the slab or suffer my curse.

What's your offer?

This night, you will be visited by three plagues, each worse than the last. Return the slab.

Huh. Nice try, professor. Who's he kidding? I can see the zipper on that cheap dime store costume.

Courage

Huh?

Muriel

Courage, did you leave the tap running?

Return the slab.

Muriel

Eustace, what are you waiting for? 'Til we're six feet under?

[to King Ramses] All right, but a million's as low as I'll go.

No, I can't believe I did that. It's mine! Huh? [to King Ramses] That's three plagues! You're out of ammo, mister! [snickers] And don't think you can come around here pushing no tote bags on us neither. What's your offer?

Return the slab.

[on TV] At last, the allegedly cursed slab has been returned to King Ramses' crypt, where it will remain buried in antiquity for all time.

Muriel

Oh, I wonder where Eustace is.

[echoing; offscreen] Aaaaaah! What's your offer?

Muriel

Eustace, is there something wrong?

My foot! My foot!

Muriel

Oh! Looks like you've got a fungus. Don't worry, Eustace. I know some family remedies. [The next morning, she and Courage try to heal Eustace's foot with various objects like cactus thorns, lobsters, and a vat of acid] Oh, dear. There's just one thing left to do.

Ain't going to no doctor.

Muriel

You really should, Eustace.

I ain't going.

Muriel

It's as big as a cow. You have to go.

Make me.

Muriel

Ah, suit yourself. But I think it's starting to fester.

All I need is a nap.

Muriel

Where is my Eustace? What have you done with my Eustace?!

Shut up, fat woman. You won't be needing your husband anymore, see?

Muriel

Oh!

Didn't I tell ya we got no place for the likes of you? Now get, and stay out!

Muriel

Now, Eustace, he is Courage's friend.

That makes it worse!

Muriel

Oh, Eustace, don't make such a fuss. Now sit down and eat your breakfast. I'll even get those little blueberries you like so much.

[saddened] Empty. My heart is empty, and my clouds are full. [summons a lightning bolt and throws it at the windmill below, destroying it] A goose, a gander, a godly goosey gander, without love, is nothing but a fowl. [sadly sits in his throne chair] Without love, all of this is but puff and fluff and stuff. [honks in grief]

Muriel

The coming rain should do these flowers good.

[presses the horn on the truck's steering wheel while doing some repairs; annoyed] Darn horn.

Muriel

[calling out] Eustace? It'll be raining any minute now. You should come inside.

[devoted] Oh, pure and formless beauty. Oh, light, oh, sky, oh, baby's breath. You have grown solid. You have grown real. You have grown fat. You have grown real fat, and your name is…

Muriel? Muriel!

Muriel. If letters be in order, let them be in such order as to spell...Muriel.

Muriel! Where's my pliers?

I am filled, full, and dizzy. I am… a stuffed goose. [sighs] If I gaze at her longer, I shall be consumed. Has ever a Goose God gazed upon such unfeathered beauty, immortal flesh? Does a Goose God pursue a mortal woman? Does one who calls the clouds home love one who must floss? Does a Goose God love a Muriel? Eh, I'll give it a shot.

Muriel

Now, Courage, it's not polite to point.

Mortal woman, I am here to pronounce eternal love for you.

Muriel

And you pronounced it perfectly.

You do not understand. I present to you an expression of my love. This gift. [magically summons an endless field of flowers and Courage growls]

Muriel

Ah, that's sweet, but I'm spoken for.

Courage

Mm-hmm.

Muriel

But thank you. I've never had an endless field of flowers before. It's very flattering.

Who was that?

Muriel

It was an admirer who offered me a field of flowers and his eternal love.

Oh. You seen my screwdriver?

Courage

That goose better not try to take Muriel away. [growls] It's true.

[regains consciousness and seesGoose God taking his truck up into the heavens, proposing it as his queen] Heh? My truck!

Muriel

[holding wedding invitations] Look, Courage. We've been invited to a wedding. The goose and Eustace's truck are going to get married.

[sobbing over the loss of his truck] I'm nothing without my truck! Come back to me, truck! Come back!

Muriel

Oh, my. I'm beginning to worry about you, Eustace. Tomorrow, we're off to see the doctor. That's all there is to it.

Courage

[wakes up, screams, and hides under the covers] This can't be happening!

[walks over to Eustace's side of the bed] Eustace… [picks him up and carries him outside the house and disappears into the puddle]

Muriel

[hugging Eustace] You're back! Oh, Eustace, you're back. Where have you been? [hits him on the head with a rolling pin]

Ow! What did I do?

[feeling his stomach rumbling] Where's my dinner? You were gonna make hamburgers.

Courage

[checking her temperature] Is there a doctor in the house?

Muriel

Ah, Courage, you're a dear.

Well, I… If you ain't feeding me, I'm going out to get me something to eat.

Muriel

It would be lovely if you could bring me a scone from the Sweet Stuff bakery.

[growls] Okay.

Muriel

Courage, could you go along? He always forgets to get the right thing.

Courage

Oh, I know I'm not going to like this. [Eustace ends up passing the bakery along the way] But, but, but…

Shut it. Got to get me a hamburger first.