[to Laurie] Not all fun things revolve around being topless.
S1 E8Two Gunslingers
S1 E9Here Comes My Girl
It's not a bad thing that sometimes I hook up with women for food.
It's not my fault every twenty-four-year-old on Earth has a daddy complex and thinks my name is exotic.
Still, we both know it's not forever.
Hello, no.
Someday I'm gonna find me a real woman. Someone who looks after me.
I'd like to find someone who gets me out of my shell.
I don't want to end up alone.
That would kill me.
Whoa! Getting deep alert.
Whew!
Permission to speak?
Proceed.
Do you think the woman you're looking for is even out there?
[Bobby and Grayson both watch Jules go up the stairs]
Definitely.
Definitely.
I'm about to bring Kylie in so I need you all to act like normal human beings. I know it's going to be hard but I can help. Mrs. Torres, Kylie doesn't have an eating disorder, she runs cross country, so think of a new opening question. Mr. Torres, I don't care how much you eat, let's keep our pants buttoned. Laurie, your breasts are bigger than hers. There I said it, you don't need to tell her. Neighbor guy, I see you brought your fruity little guitar, let's keep that holstered. Mom, you have multiple problem areas so when it doubt just say to yourself that's a bad idea. Dad, I think we both know it's best if you don't say anything.
S1 E10Mystery Man
There's that cute guy from spinning class!
And he's shirtless in front of that store. Maybe he's a jeans model!
Or maybe he loves his body and lives his life shirtless, not caring what anybody thinks. Like Matthew McConaughey.
When I was married, you know what Jules often said to me?
Please stop sleeping with other women?
S1 E11Rhino Skin
She acts like she's so much smarter than me. Smarter than I. Which is it?
JJeff
It's smarter than-
Don't answer that! I mean, I know you went to Harvard and everything, but really, no one cares.
JJeff
I didn't go to Harvard.
Well in my head, you did. You were also captain of the crew team.
JJeff
This is a weird day.
Smith wasn't attracted to you because he thought you were couth.
Grayson, that is a word that only women are allowed to use when they're really angry with another woman.
Couth. You know, the opposite of uncouth.
Right, because if I didn't know what couth meant putting an un in front of it makes it perfectly clear. Who's dumb now?
Obviously I am.
S1 E12Scare Easy
What should we do today?
I don't know. We could read magazines, or look at shoes online. Just gossip?
You know, we both only like sex between that small window of three and three forty-five. Should we do that?
Today let's just kiss without it having to lead anywhere.
I love being married to you!
I know, I'm so glad we killed Andy and buried him in the backyard.
Oh, baby! [Starts to kiss her, Andy comes in dirty and carrying a pickaxe, Jules and Ellie scream]
Did you really think you could get away with it? DID YA? [Swings the axe; Ellie wakes up]
[To sleeping Andy] You ruin everything!
Are there really women out there that will have sex with me just because they're mad about something?
Oh yeah, for sure.
This is very exciting news.
You know there are also girls that will sleep with you because their friends are prettier.
This just keeps getting better.
S1 E13Stop Dragging My Heart Around
Mom, I'm gonna be home late tonight.
Be home by midnight. And remember my rule, don't wake me up when you come in.
Solid parenting, as always.
Well, I'm a better mom asleep.
Did lover boy tell you he likes Jules?
What?
What? No. I just said someday I could end up with a girl like her.
Jules is your someday girl?
A what now?
A someday girl is someone who someday someone else can see themselves ending up with someday. It's really serious.
Someday girl is a great title for a new song.
S1 E14All the Wrong Reasons
I want to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.
Sweetie, when you say people's body parts are so adorable you want to wear them, it makes you seem a little serial killer-ey, especially when you do it about kids.
I'd love to have a scarf of little baby hands.
See, that's not a great out loud thought
[to Andy] I put you in beer can jail for partying too hard.
S1 E15When a Kid Goes Bad
Oh my god, that bag is soaked with grease. I'm telling you right now, i don't care what's in it, I'm eating it.
It's a human head.
If it's deep fried, I'm still in.
You know how old I was the first time I got really drunk?
I dunno, nine?
Trick question. Never been really drunk. I have got a monster tolerance. The point is...
No dad, there is no point to that story.
Okay, the completely new thought is...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cougar Town pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.