Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

Lt. Columbo

Well, what do you know. Here I am talking with some of the smartest people in the world, and I didn't even notice!

Lt. Columbo

[to group of murder mystery fans] I like my job. Oh, I like it a lot. And I'm not depressed by it. And I don't think the world is full of criminals and full of murderers because it isn't. It's full of nice people just like you. And if it wasn't for my job I wouldn't be getting to meet you like this. And I'll tell you something else. Even with some of the murderers that I meet, I even like them too. Sometimes... like them and even respect them. Not for what they did, certainly not for that. But for that part of them which is intelligent, or funny, or just nice. Because there's niceness in everyone. A little bit anyhow. You can take a cop's word for it.

Lt. Columbo

In those days everything was bad for your eyes. Not wearing mittens was bad for your eyes. Wearing rubbers in the house, that would strike you blind right on the spot.

Lt. Columbo

Either there was no motive at all like in those crazy kind of murders that you read about in the newspaper. Or there was a very good motive, one that makes terrific sense. And that's what keeps going around in my mind-- motive.

Lt. Columbo

Well, there's something that I don't understand, ma'am, and maybe I should. Uh, I probably should. Lord knows I'm not the brightest guy on the force. Another detective, he could cut right through this.

Lt. Columbo

Very simple case. Not that I'm particularly bright, sir. I must say I found you disappointing, I mean your incompetence. You left enough clues to sink a ship.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, you killed him with a phone call, sir. I'll bet my life on it.

Lt. Columbo

There once was a fella named Finnegan,

Lt. Columbo

There once was an old man from Lyne. He took three wives at a time. When asked why a third, he said, "One is absurd, and two of them, sir, is a crime."

Lt. Columbo

Forgive me, ma'am, for being indelicate like that but you know all the years that I've been doing this kind of work I still don't know how to make it sound inoffensive when one person kills another.

Lt. Columbo

A rare old bird is the pelican. His beak can hold more than his belly can. He can take in his beak enough food for a week. I'm damned if I know how the hell he can!

Lt. Columbo

This far, and no farther.

Lt. Columbo

Excuse me, sir. I couldn't resist trying your pinball machine. I guess I tried a little too hard. But that's an old problem with me, sir — the way I keep steering and pushing and pulling at things. Someday, the whole sky's gonna light up and it's gonna say, "Tilt". And that's gonna be the end of the world.

Lt. Columbo

Always remember, it's a trick. Keep that in mind and you can figure out how it's done.

Lt. Columbo

[referring to the workshop, and demonstrating one of the tricks] The whole place is one big magic trick. You can't believe anything you see.