Cheers · Season 11
[after the gang learns that Rebecca stills get an allowance from her father] Imagine somebody getting an allowance at her age, eh? My ma cut me off when I was thirty. No ifs, ands or buts. And it hurt, I tell you - hurt like hell. Ah, but it had a happy ending.
Made you more self-reliant, Cliff?
Nah. A couple of years later her pension fund went bankrupt. She had to come crawling to me for some dough. I just gave her the old horse laugh. "What goes around," huh, boys?
[after Sam suggests he begin dating] Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.
Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.
[to guests that have arrived at Cheers for their family reunion] I took the liberty of making name-tags for everybody. See: "Hello, My name's Rebecca". And this one is for you, Peter. [to Party Guest #1] And your name is...
We're all family. We know each other's names. [she walks away]
Let me make one out for you anyway: "B-I-T-C..."
[Norm is afraid he'll have to sleep with Dot Carroll, the IRS agent, to prevent the audit of his taxes.]
Relax, Norm. I've been brainstorming. I've come up with a plan.
I'm desperate. I'll try anything. Come on.
Tell you what, here's the plan: I go to the hotel in your place, right? I reach in, flick off the light, say "Room service for Dot Carroll". In the meantime, I got a big bag full of wild squirrels with sparklers attached to their tails. I drop 'em in the room; they run around terrified, setting off the alarms and the sprinklers... OK? In the ensuing hub-bub, she forgets all about her little date with you. Trust me - you think a cold shower's a mood killer? Try a bag of wild squirrels.
Thanks, Cliff, but you don't have to go to the trouble.
That's all right... I already got the squirrels.
Well Norm, you could get someone to impersonate Vera.
Well thanks Frasier, but I doubt that Ed Asner has time to hop on a plane to Boston.
[comes up behind Rebecca] Hey, there. Remember me?
Yes, I do. You're Carla's son, Gino. And I did not appreciate the nude photos of yourself that you sent.
You know, it's the best I could do with the machine at the mall.
Gino, would you forget about it. I'm not going to go out with you. You're much too young for me.
Yeah, right. Cu-Cu-Ca-Chu, Miss Howe.
So, how's the career going, Nick? Last time we chatted you were talking about marketing some kind of slot machine for the home.
Oh, yeah... "Flush and Win." It was a great idea. The only problem is the people had a difficult time retrieving their change
Who'd have thought it, Rebecca and Frasier? What's next, me and Carla!?
[Carla grabs him by the back of the head]
Don't say it, Clavin, don't you even think it!
Frasier, listen: I know Lilith coming back changes everything, so I'm just gonna step out of the picture, and there's no hard feelings.
[completely oblivious to all she's saying] That bitch! Thinks she can waltz back into my life and start calling the shots!
I know what we almost had was very special, but we have a very special friendship too, so I think we should just leave it at that.
Frasier [still ignoring her]: ECOPOD, MY BIG WHITE BUTT! I was that close to popping her, you know that!? She's the mother of my child and I nearly did it!
I think we should just focus here, because, you know Frasier, I'm trying to be very gentle, because I wanna let you down easily, I don't wanna break your heart...
[mimicking Lilith, still ignoring Rebecca] "I spent three days on a bus! Wah, wah wah!" Well cry me a river, bunhead!
[finally losing patience] FOR GOD'S SAKE, FRASIER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!? I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!
[Gary has walled up the bar; the Irish band has arrived; Sam won't give up]
All we need is – uh, what – a little winning attitude, right? A little positivity. [to the Irish band] Hey, fellas, do me a favor. Play us a little something to get us in the mood.
[singing] "They broke into our Dublin home, the dirty English dogs. They took away my sister and they beat my Da with logs. Limey scum, limey scum, I toss a bomb and still they come." Everybody! "Limey scum, limey scum..."
[After the guys have to sing naked at Gary's, they're getting dressed in the backroom]
That was the low point in my life. Never, ever, have I been naked and not had fun. I tell you it was degradation.
I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.
How am I ever gonna show my face in here again?
Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.
You know, I kinda found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.
Exhilarating?
I meant humiliating.
[Sam is locked out of his place and comes to Carla's]
Well, I guess you can stay here for the night.
Yeah, yeah. Alright, thanks.
Look, Sammy.
What?
No matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or call for help... do NOT open the bedroom door. Got it?
Ditto for me, too, Sam.
Oh, no no... [he leaves]
[Sam stays at Cliff's house]
Dear Lord, bless Clifford and me, unworthy wretches that we are. Bless the postal system and keep it from harm... by helping it to detect the real loonies. Bless our friends, and thank you for letting Sam find succor here tonight. Bless the late Mr. Clavin - I know he's not in your vicinity, but rather roasting in hell on a spit reserved for those who desert their families. Amen.
Maybe we need someone to blame. Maybe if we pick some faceless person at city hall to be responsible for all our problems then we won't have to accept any responsibility at all. Well, people, I say now is the time to start looking in the mirror. Because... if this thing is going to work, we are all going to have to make it work. The way a bunch of people made something work at Lexington and Concord. You may remember it... it's called AMERICA.
[The bar patrons applaud & cheer; Fogerty leaves]
But he didn't SAY anything! Thank you, people, for proving my point. The voters of Boston are sheep.
Wow, I thought that was just a Hanover thing.
Look, all I'm saying is that when it comes to voting, people just shut off their brains. I submit we could put a chimpanzee on the ballot and garner ten-percent of the vote.
Ho ho. Two Hanover things in one day!
[interviewing candidate Woody] So what you're saying is there are no easy answers.
Well, not for me there aren't.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cheers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
