Cheers · Season 11
[after a night of drinking Carla's special drinks] Woody, you had as much of that vile brew as the rest of us. How can you be so chipper this morning?
Oh, it's because of the old Hanover hangover cure. Very simple: first, put on your pajamas; then, take an aspirin with a glass of cold water; and then, you vomit 'til your nose bleeds and heave until you see the angels. Wake up in the mornin', you feel brand new. Boy, I am hungry. Anybody for some chili dogs?
Okay, okay, but only two.
Okay, Cliff, you want to tell me what's tattooed forever on my butt.
It's a big American flag there, Norm. With the motto: "God Bless The U.S. Post Office."
What's mine say?
"I Love Vera."
[Cliff enters the bar]
Hey, Cliffy. How ya doin'?
Not well, Sam. Boy am I mad. I've never been this upset! Three words, fellas. Three words... "Dames is grief"!
Fighting with ma, huh?
Oh and how. Seems like that's all we do anymore. You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up: a mother and a grown son living in a one-bedroom apartment. But, no. Reality check, gentlemen! Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh.
I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffy.
Oh, no way, Sammy; not this time. I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard - too hard, I tell ya! And it's about time I started pushin' back. She's just gone and created a monster, that's all. But this monster is not gonna lie in some tomb of ice, no siree. My anger will melt that ice so that I might rise up and... and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there beneath the talons of my animosity...
[interrupts] Cliff. Cliff. We all appreciate how hard you're working on this metaphor, but we get the idea.
[on the phone with Rebecca] I'll be over as soon as I can. [hangs up] Shoot.
Who was that?
Ah, it's Rebecca; she's all upset. Your father-in-law invited her over to his place to listen to music tonight. She thought she was supposed to be his date; got all dressed up in a fancy dress. Turns out she's only there to tend bar.
How could she make that mistake?
Oh, come on, Woody. Put yourself in her position: you know, attractive guy asks you over to his place to listen to some music, wants you to wear a fancy dress... you'd go wouldn't you?
Oh, no. No, my high school drama teacher tried that one on me. "Once bitten, twice shy," my friend.
Do you know what I am. I'm a phony. I'm a great big phony. Pretending like I liked Mahler just so some rich guy would ask me out. I don't even know his first name.
Gustav. Gustav Mahler.
[about the retirement home] Clifford, are you sure we can afford a place like this?
Oh, yeah, Ma. Don't worry. Your insurance policies will cover it.
Oh, that's convenient. You'll have money left for hooch and slatterns.
These are your golden years.
Oh, bless your heart. You've given me what every mother dreams of: a tastefully furnished room in which to die among strangers.
The woman I choose is gonna feel very special. You know, like when a great chef picks the perfect pork chop.
[sarcastically] That's beautiful, Sam.
You know I think you should go home, wake Vera, and do whatever comes naturally.
Wake her up so she can watch me eat a bucket of buffalo wings?
[about Diane's husband] If she's left him a shred of manhood it's only because she's waiting for the right moment to flick it away like the last shriveled pea on her plate. Thank God I'm over her. Hit me, Woody! Four fingers of the meanest swill you got!
Hello, Diane.
Hello Frasier, you're looking well!
I'm feeling well! I'm happily married with a bright young son and a successful practice. But, you know, what's most important, and I just realized it this moment, is that, I'm over you.
I'm glad.
There is absolutely nothing here anymore. I'm over you. You could be a total stranger for all I'm feeling. You could be ugly and gnarled and toothless, without that shining hair, those dancing eyes and these graceful, subtle limbs. Thank God I'm free.
Frasier, you're hurting me!
Well, you never hurt me, did you?!
[to Woody] What's new in your life?
Oh, well, you know, I, uh, got married and I'm gonna have a kid.
Wonderful.
Yeah. Oh, I just got elected to the Boston City Council.
[amazed, in disbelief] How nice. And I'm next in line for the throne of England.
Well, you know, maybe we'll work together someday... hammer out a treaty or somethin'.
Well, at least I didn't fly across the country to make an ass out of myself.
Why bother when you do it so brilliantly right here?
I keep askin' myself: what is the point to life?
Whew. That's a tough question.
Ehh. Well, I got the answer.
Somehow I knew you would.
Comfortable shoes.
Shoes?
Yeah. If you're not wearin' comfortable shoes, life is just chaos. I mean the greatest accomplishments in history have been made by men wearin' accommodating shoes. Uh, Frasier, tell me, who do you think is the greatest thinker in all mankind?
I don't know, uh... Aristotle.
There you go: sandals. Perhaps the most comfortable shoe there is. You hardly even know you have them on. I mean Confucius: thongs. Einstein: loose loafers.
[The series' last lines]
Sammy, can I let you in on a little secret?
Sure.
I knew you'd come back.
You did?
You can never be unfaithful to your one true love. You always come back to her.
Who is that?
Think about it, Sam.
[Norm leaves. Sam considers this, then figures out what he meant.]
Boy, I tell ya, I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on earth. [At he walks back, he hears a man come down the steps and knock on the door.] Sorry, we're closed.
[The man leaves. Sam straightens the picture of Geronimo on the wall, then leaves out the back.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cheers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
