Cheers · Season 10
Darling, are you going to be okay with this?
Am I going to be okay with this? Let's see. Earlier today I discovered that my husband had an ex-wife he never told me about. Then I had the pleasure of watching him kiss said ex-wife in front of 1,000 children including his own. Then to top it all off, she hugged me. Can you deduce from my tone whether or not I'm going to be okay with this?
Baby, you're the greatest.
Hey Frase, I hear you used to be married to a children's singer. What's the matter? Burl Ives turn you down?
Do you have a Clavin here?
Yeah, but it hasn't been flushing right lately.
Oh Sam, he's so sweet. I don't want to hurt his feelings. What do you say when you break up with a woman?
I usually say, "I'll call you tomorrow."
For the next three hours I need you and the rest of the Cheers' chimps to hold down the noise. Right now I'm entertaining 200 elderly women from the Daughters of the American Revolution.
Givin' ‘em a first-hand account, John?
Very amusing. Sam, this vent connects directly to my dining room and often we can hear everything you say down here. So tell your mailman to go to that side of the bar if he wants to describe his fungal infections.
You know, I have to second that.
Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.
Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.
Well I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.
Oh, yes we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow?
Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.
OK. What sort of game would you like to play, huh?
Well, how ‘bout, uh... "Five blind piglets and one full teat"?
What the heck kind of game is that?
That's where five city boys lose all their money. [starts dealing one-handed]
Woody, we've got to be going.
Right. [to Sam] If James has to circle the block more than once he has a hissy fit.
Boy. Chauffeurs, huh, Miss Howe?
Oh, yeah. I have that trouble with mine all the time.
Really? What do you do?
I wake up.
Everyone, I have an announcement to make. You may not have noticed but over the last year I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I'm frequently tired and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.
Or some of your weekly ones.
Which is why Richard here is going to put me on a strict exercise and diet regimen. Now you may ask, "Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?"
Because you're the loneliest man on earth.
He has another reason.
[about his mother in law] I suppose it's wrong of me to blame Betty for all our problems. I'm sure I'm not the way she wants me to be either.
How does she want you to be, Dr. Crane?
Well... dead. The thing that really drives me crazy is the unrelenting tension between Lilith and her mother. You know, Lilith just holds it all in. She has to unload it somewhere and guess who gets to listen to it endlessly.
Apparently me, Dr. Crane.
[Lilith is frustrated because her mother is controlling her]
Still can't get your mother off your back, huh? It's very difficult for me to relate to.
[sarcastically] Really?
Oh, yeah. Ma and I don't have any problems. You know, in fact, most people find it's hard to tell that we're even related. Folks down at Club Med are very surprised when they find out we're mother and son... shocked even.
I think you're gonna be surprised, ‘cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right guys?
Right, of course, he's Mayday Malone.
Yeah, but hold on there, Norm, what if he doesn't? Have you thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. He'll probably storm back in here, go in the office, lock himself in, and maybe start taking inventory of his life. Peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean we've all done it a hundred times.
You okay, Cliff?
What are you asking me for, Sam's the one with the problem.
You know Dr. Crane, once back in Hanover I wanted to catch some rats and I started to play a flute and a bunch of them followed me out of town...and some children too. Oh wait, was that a movie? No, it happened.
18 years old and ready to take on the world.
Wait a minute. You were 18 when you graduated from high school? What, did daddy pull some strings?
Fine. I'm going to show people who are a little less self-absorbed. Hey, everyone! Look at me! Look at me!
I'm Cliff Clavin from Boston, I wrote tonight's monologue.
Oh, so you know Johnny?
Does anyone really know Johnny?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cheers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
