Lisa: Look at me, Dad, I'm not--beautiful.
Coach: You look just like your mother.
Lisa: And Mom was not-- [Pause] comfortable with her beauty.
Coach: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.

Norm: [about the player piano] Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?
Carla: [about Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.

Norm: Congratulations! Unless you didn't want another kid.
Coach: Of course, she wanted the kid, Norm.
Carla: Sure I do. What penniless unmarried mother of four wouldn't.

Sam: [about some gay customers] What do you think I should say to them?
Diane: Oh well, it's very very simple. Just walk up and say hello we're a group of sniveling bigots and we don't care for your kind.
Cliff: That's good.

Sam: How did you know that?
Diane: Well I picked it up in pre-law.
Sam: I thought you were an English major.
Diane: Well that was after art and before psychology.
Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?
Carla: Blonde.
Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla.

Sam: Listen before you came to work at this bar I never thought that much about morality and integrity. You made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: That's why I'm firing you. You can leave your apron right there on the counter.

Sam: Listen I think you and Derek will make a great match.
Diane: Really?
Sam: Yeah, you both think you're perfect and one of you is right.

Sam: My life isn't fun anymore. It's because of you.
Diane: Because of me?
Sam: Yeah, you're a snob.
Diane: A snob!
Sam: Yeah, that's right.
Diane: Well, you're a rapidly aging adolescent.
Sam: Well I would rather be that than a snob.
Diane: Well I would rather be a snob.
Sam: Good because you are.

Sam: Say didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan poet night?
Norm: It started getting too rowdy.
Cliff: I remember the night you were charged with practicing iambic pentameter without a license.

Sam: Well I guess I've, uh, I've never looked at your eyes.
Diane: Is something wrong with them?
Sam: No I uh, I just don't think I've ever saw eyes that color before. Matter of fact I don't think I've ever seen that color before. Yes I have, yes I have.
Diane: Where?
Sam: I was uh, I was on a ski weekend, up at Stowe. I uh, was coming in late one day � uh, last person off the slope � the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don't uh, notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change; wishing that I had someone there to share it with me. Afterwards I tried to convince myself I had imagined that color; that I hadn't really seen it. Nothing on this earth could be this beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Pause] Wouldn't work, huh?
Diane: What?
Sam: Intelligent women would see right through that.
Diane: Oh...oh! In a minute!

Sam: Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit?!!
Diane: I am not!
Sam: You are too!
Diane: I am not!
Sam: You are too!
Norm: Please, please, do you think I would behave this way in your home?

Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son-of-a--
Sam: Shut up! Shut your fat mouth!
Diane: Make me!
Sam: Make you?... My God I'm, I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!
Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow... or should I say funnier?
Sam: You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one! Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
Diane: You disgust me! I hate you!
Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
Diane: More!
Sam: Bet me. [They kiss, fade to black]
Sam: Now I'm going to nibble on your ear.
Diane: Don't tell me you're going to nibble on my ear...
Season 2

Sam: You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
Diane: Why not? Last night I was up till two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
Sam: I hope he thanked you for it.