Kevin Ryan quotes from Castle

Castle

(To Beckett) A girl wearing a red outfit in the middle of the woods, claw marks on her face. Am I the only one who is seeing this? (Beckett is puzzled) She is Little Red Riding Hood.

Beckett

(Sarcastically) Great, I'll call an APB on the Big Bad Wolf.

Castle

You have a better theory? (Ryan suddenly calls Beckett from far)

Beckett

Ryan, I want you to see if any animal here can cause these marks.

Ryan

Like a wolf? A Big Bad one?

Beckett

Really?

Castle

Ryan, you’ll be here, front door, dressed as a flower delivery boy. Esposito, you’ll be here, dressed as a hobo.

Esposito

Question. Why does a brown man gotta be a hobo?

Castle

You want the flowers?

Esposito

Hobo it is.

Castle

You boys will cause a distraction here, whilst I rappel down the side of the building with Nikolai.

Ryan

Who’s Nikolai?

Castle

He’s a Romanian gymnast I found on Youtube. He’s extremely flexible, and fits in the duffel bag. Using a glass cutter, I...

Excuse me, gents. Has anyone seen Detective Beckett? (He walks in wearing a suit. Kate walks in from the other side, wearing a dress.)

Ryan

Wow. Are you guys going out?

I pulled some strings and got us into a party at the British consulate tonight.

Beckett

Nigel will be there, we’ll get his prints and he won’t even know it.

Cheers, lads.

Ryan

Or they could do that.

Castle

Yeah, sure. You want to do it the easy way.

Beckett

He won’t leave?

Ryan

Charlie’s pretty convinced about this whole zombie thing.

Beckett

Yeah, but that’s just… That’s ridiculous.

Castle

Or is it? Charlie has not been wrong yet. Maybe our killer is Patient Zero, out there right now in the streets of New York, building an army of the undead.

Beckett

Castle, what we are looking for is not a zombie, but a very smart criminal who murdered David Lock and is now making our only witness look crazy. And he also dressed up in makeup and a costume to hide his identity.

Castle

Unless that’s not costume or makeup.

Ryan

I mean, he does look like a real zombie.

Esposito

A real zombie? I’m embarrassed for you, bro.

Beckett

Okay, then explain this. Why would a zombie go after a currency trader at 4:00 am in a garage?

Castle

This one’s easy. The more intelligent the victim, the more delicious the brains.

Ryan

I’m telling you, that guy was dead.

Esposito

Remind me never to choke on a chicken bone in front of you.

Ryan

Hey, you checked that guy! So did the paramedics.

Beckett

Whoa, you guys! I’m sure that there’s a medical explanation for it.

Castle

Oh, there’s an explanation, alright.

Beckett

Besides that one.

Castle

Come on, you were there, you saw it. He rose from the dead.

Beckett

He didn’t rise from the dead, Castle. He wasn’t dead in the first place.

Esposito

He’s not a zombie, Castle. He’s just a murderer.

Castle

Well, then, what was his motive for murder, Detective Esposito? Kyle sold insurance. He had no criminal record. There’s no evidence he even knew our victim.

Beckett

He’s a human killer, with a human motive

Castle

Or he’s a zombie killer, with a zombie motive

Ryan

Castle, do you really believe in all this zombie stuff, because I would swear on my nana’s grave that Kyle Jennings was dead.

Castle

No. You know what I do believe in? Driving Beckett crazy.

Ryan

Yeah, I have to say, it’s good to see you guys hitting it off again.

Ryan

Hey, Javier. Man, this just feels wrong. We need to tell Gates.

Esposito

Why? So she can send Beckett home? You think that’s gonna work? You think that’s gonna stop her? She’s gonna investigate this case, Kevin, whether she’s on it or not. The least we can do is make sure that we have her back.

Ryan

Hey, guys. I found out who Mandy-

Esposito

Yo. Are you…wearing makeup?

Ryan

No.

Esposito

Really? Because an hour ago, you and I both had black eyes, and now you don’t.

Ryan

No, this is not makeup. This is tinted moisturizer.

Esposito

[Sarcastically] Oh.

Ryan

Jenny just stopped by. She happened to have some in her purse and I figured since… [stutters a bit] Fine. Just judge all you want.

Esposito

Who knew that Gates had a softer side? It’s, um…

Ryan

Creepy. Very, very creepy

Ryan

We’re thinking the most likely scenario is that it was the last guy that she was with.

Esposito

Doctor Joshua Davidson.

Ryan

Mm-hm.

Esposito

It’s him, isn’t it?

Lanie

Okay, I get that you don’t have a life, Javi, but you’re married, Kevin, so what’s your excuse?

Ryan

I-

Lanie

Whoever Beckett’s boyfriend is, is none of your business.

Esposito

Come on, Lanie. You must know who it is. She went back to Josh, didn’t she?

Lanie

Is this how you interrogate people? ‘Cause you ain’t doing nothing but pissing me off.

Ryan

Hey, Castle. Yeah, I’m gonna put you on speakerphone so you can weigh in on this.

Castle

Weigh in on what?

Esposito

Well, we’re in the morgue with Lanie trying to figure out who Beckett’s boyfriend is.

Lanie

I have nothing to do with this nonsense. [walks away]

Castle

Yeah, until you’re bagging their mangled bodies when Beckett finds out.

Esposito

Pfft! Like we’re afraid of Beckett. [Chuckles]

Ryan

Besides, how’s she gonna find out?

Ryan

We found blood-stained overalls in his van. We sent them to be tested to see if they match the blood from our vic.

Esposito

Oh, they match. Trust me, bro. You don’t have to worry about this creep hurting anyone ever again. [To the camera] That’s a gift, from me to you. You’re welcome, America

Ryan

Well, looks like our stalker was telling the truth. Prelim shows that the blood on his overalls was his. Sorry, partner.

Esposito

Huh. Well, at least grabbing the guy up wasn’t a total bust.

Ryan

I don’t know. Seems to be the definition of a total bust.

Castle

This all points to one thing.

Ryan

Drugs.

Castle

Drugs… Drugs.

Beckett

That’s an interesting theory, but that’s pure speculation.

Castle

Actually, it’s not. Pure speculation would be Swan purchasing thermonuclear technology to have a scientist make him an amplifier that went all the way to 12. This, musicians buying drugs… [Into the camera]…that’s just Monday morning’s crossword.

Ryan

Nun walks into a precinct... It’s like the beginnings of a bad joke. [Begins fixing his tie]

Esposito

You wanna borrow a comb of something?

Ryan

Shut up.

Esposito

You know what this reminds me of? Watching one of those body-switching movies where the guy looks like a grown man, but he’s actually 12.

Ryan

Hey! Let me tell you something. Catholic school is like combat. Unless you’ve been there, you don’t know.

Esposito

Uh, I have, been there, in combat. And it’s way worse than some old lady.

Ryan

We're putting up the tree the other day, Jenny says to me, "It just doesn't feel like Christmas without kids." She wants to try. But I come to work, I watch the news, every day... it seems like the world's falling apart. How am I supposed to bring a kid into that?

Esposito

The world's always falling apart, bro. Since the beginning of time. But having kids, making a family, that's what keeps it together.