Well, I have to tell you I haven't driven to a place this charming since the city gave us curbside recycling bins!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You wired a cardboard box for electricity.
So is he outside or still on his way?
Who?
Dude.
Outside.
[shouts] Yo, Roman! [Roman walks in] Hello, Roman.
Hello, Michelle.
You getting taller?
Maybe.
You're getting taller.
How did you know?
Oh, little one, I have done all that you have done or shall do, thought of all you've thought or shall think. I am all-knowing. I am Michelle.
Can I go?
Yes.
Does he have teeth?
Rick's friends have teeth. Maybe not the ones they were born with...
[Reading] I'm halfway through this thing and the stupid whale hasn't even shown up yet.
There's no whale in The Great Gatsby.
Are you joking? Where's this stinker going if there's no whale?
Many is the night that F. Scott pondered that very same question.
[Showing Boo a photo of her potential blind date] I'm not going to say any more about it, just give me your thoughts.
Well, it's a car.
It's a human.
Those aren't headlights?
Those are eyeballs.
She's cute.
It's a man.
Is something eating his face?
That is happening, yeah.
So you don't need the talk.
The talk?
The talk. The taaaalk.
No, but you can give it anyway. I'd love to hear your version.
Well, it's a good one. You'll never use a public toilet seat again.
I found it: the perfect place for the amphitheater. Okay, so this morning, a squirrel stole my toothbrush. Actually, I chucked it at him to get him off my windowsill 'cause he was staring at me, and then he took it. So I chased after him and I cornered him against this tree. And it was by the lake that's only sometimes a lake, but then it dries up. But right now it's a lake again. You know?
You can't just buy another toothbrush? What? Squirrels have rabies. A toothbrush costs $3.
It was pink.
Oh, well, if it was pink
I drove you off. I drove her off just like my mother drives everyone off. "We mock the things we are to be." You know who said that? Mel Brooks. He was talking about how we make fun of our parents and then we grow up and turn into our parents. And that line popped into my head yesterday so I started looking through old photo albums of my mother trying to figure out exactly when her crazy set in so I can be prepared. I think it started around college. That's the first time I saw her do that really wild-eyed thing she does. So I guess I've got about three to four years before I go barking mad which is good. Now I'm ready for it. I can plan ahead. You know, have a lot of rounded corners in my house. Wear soft, bouncy clothing.
Raincoat?
Bring it.
Bikini?
Bring it.
Pajama jeans?
Bring them.
Handcuffs?
Toss them in.
Hard hat, waffle iron, Bananarama box set?
What the hell are you gonna do with a waffle iron?
Scotty, come on. Tell me what this thing is.
Hey, it's my last night. And the rules are whoever has the last night gets to choose the last night blowout activity. Don't flout the rules.
But I need details.
I told you, it's in the desert. It's like Burning Man.
Which means nothing.
You've heard if Burning Man.
Yes, I've heard of Burning Man, but since I've never been to Burning Man, I can only guess what takes place. Like do they really burn a man? And who is this man? Is he annoying? Does he have it coming?
Come on, it'll be like all those cool road trips we took as kids.
What cool road trips?
What do you mean? The Grand Canyon, New Orleans, Sun Studios, The Smoky Mountains.
Fake.
The Smoky Mountains are fake?
The trips were fake.
What are you talking about??
Mom used to take us on fake trips. You didn't know that?
No.
She'd put us in the car really late at night and then drive us around for hours until we fell asleep. And then when we woke up, she'd convince us that we just had a really fun adventure.
No. That's impossible. I remember that thing with the balloons.
Never happened.
Yes. There were like these huge red balloons with ribbons hanging down.
I'm afraid not.
The wind kicked up and we held the ribbons and we rode on them? No balloons?
She gaslighted us, dude.
That was my second favorite childhood memory.
Don Mclean didn't play your fifth birthday party. I'll give you some space.
[Michelle and Scotty are walking into Sasha's new apartment] This is a 16 year-old's apartment?
Or Oz. It could be Oz.
She's got a fireplace.
And wood. There's wood burning in the fireplace.
I had a fireplace when I lived in Oregon. The rats nested in it.
So, hey, do you have your home invasion escape plan set yet?
What's that?
Ah, it's the first thing I do anytime I move in someplace new. It's a total single girl must. See? I look around a room and I think the home invader is coming in through the front door, so where do I go? You don't want to hide in the closet 'cause he will check the closet and then you're trapped so obviously, you're- you know, see ya. Now you're on the first floor which means you can jump out the window which is awesome except it also means the home invader can come in through the window. Which means you need a second escape route. Plus you hope it's not a group of home invaders like in "Taken," so... [Scotty giving Michelle the kill gesture] And nobody ever attacked me and I was safe and I got a kitten.
One more piece of advice. Don't bond with the old lady next door.
Mrs. Weidemeyer?
You see her door open, dive for cover. And whatever you do, do not tell her you have a car. Old ladies are giant con artists.
Con artists?
They start small. Trips to the market and the yarn shop, but before you know it you're picking up their prescriptions at 11:00 at night and driving them to the hospital when their hips break. And you think- They only have two hips how many can they break? Eighteen. 'Cause they break the same hips over and over.
[Talking about Sasha] That girl is not normal.
I'm not disagreeing.
There wasn't a bong in the entire place. When I was her age, everything in my room was either a bong or something I could make into a bong.
I was twenty-five before I owned an appliance. It was a used microwave that had permanent soup stains and I'm pretty sure radiated my ovaries.
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