Brooklyn Nine-Nine · Season 1
So, what's next for you, Doug Judy?
Turning over a new leaf. I'm gonna live that honest life. Maybe open up a bakery, buy a little house, invest in my retirement.
You're gonna go back to stealing cars immediately, aren't you?
That's very much on the table, yeah.
And when you do, I'm gonna be there to stop you.
No, you won't.
Yes, I will.
No, you won't.
Yes, I will.
I'm gonna miss you, man.
So what was it like getting hit by a bus?
It was awesome.
I knew it! I always wanted to get hit by a bus.
Yeah, I mean, I was legally dead for two full minutes. And I met God.
Tight. What does She look like?
Ethnically ambiguous.
Are they gonna be looking at our desks? Also, unrelated, someone left a bunch of swords at my desk.
I have a similar question about browser history.
Just throw your computer away.
Roger that.
There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat. Now, please hand me that jar of wolf pee I rub on my kid.
All right, everyone. As you know, the NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the 9-9 and sending my findings to the Deputy Commissioner. Any questions?
Yeah. Veronica, are you sure you're the best person for the job, given your and my...
Sexual past?
[visibly annoyed] Thank you, Detective Boyle.
Sergeant Jeffords, don't be silly. I won't let our past interfere with my assessment in any way, whatsoever.
Well, that's certainly good to hear.
I mean, sure, it took me years of intense therapy to get over, and it's given me a fear of intimacy that has affected every subsequent relationship. But that does not mean that I cannot remain unbiased.
The way you say that, it kind of makes it sound like you actually are biased.
[Menacingly] I have no idea what you mean. That is all.
Terrence.
Veronica, I'm sorry for how I handled our breakup back in the day. I was trying to be a good guy. To be nice. But sometimes, to be nice someone means you have to be honest with them. Even if it hurts their feelings.
Thank you for saying that.
Now, you don't have to forgive me. But could you please at least give the Precinct a shot?
I would love to do that!
Oh, thank you so much!
Except I already turned in my report.
Oh. Was it- positive?
No. It was real bad.
I see you filming, Linetti! What's in the yogurt?
Normal stuff. Nothing you'd use to make a sidewalk with.
Attention, squad. I just got word from Peralta and Boyle.
Did they make their bust? Did they save the precinct?
No, they decided to bring in a bigger fish. They're not gonna make the hearing.
So Jake's doing the right thing instead of the selfish thing? [To Amy] You did this to him.
Look, I know we want this precinct to survive, but I'm proud of them. Loyalty to your friends and fellow officers is important, but what's more important is our loyalty to this city, and its citizens. I guess what I'm trying to say is... let's go get drunk.
[The detectives are meeting at a bar after the 99th Precinct was saved at the last minute]
Apparently the community came to our aid. There was a swell of online support orchestrated by an organization called "Ginazone".
I think you mean "Ginazon". I was behind the bar the whole time. Another great Gina Linetti entrance.
I told you- you can't be back here.
And I told you- I already am!
What did you do?
I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech about how you did the right thing for the city. I guess people were moved, they were like, "What can we do to help?" and I said "Call the Commissioner's office."
The G-Hive is real! I can't believe you did it! Gina, you're a legend! To the Nine-Nine!
To the Nine-Nine!
[Everyone drinks the toast but immediately spits out the beer bottles' contents.]
[live-streaming the prank with her phone] Y'ALL JUST DRANK CEMEEEEENT!
Holt': I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
Okay, but in my defense Rosa bet me fifty cents I couldn't drink all that shampoo.
That's not what I want- you drank shampoo?
What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.
Do you know what disappoints me most about this picture? That I'm not in it. I can't remember the last time I saw the 9-9 so happy. And I wasn't there.
Because you were working on the presentation, to get us a win.
Yeah, well, it wasn't a real win. I wish I'd been in that photo.
I know. And I'm sorry you didn't have more fun this weekend. But it's not over. And we are still in Rochester.
What are you saying?
I think you know what I'm saying.
[after seeing Amy with an unusual hairdo] Jake, what's going on? Why is Amy's hair like that?
Oh, she obsessively braids her hair when she's nervous, and she's super nervous 'cause she's taking the sergeant's exam today.
So she's stress-braiding. Big deal. That's like a one on the Santiago panic scale.
Yeah, but we've also jumped up to level two: creepily singing songs from The Great American Songbook. [In a flashback, Amy sits up creepily singing "You're a Grand Old Flag" while Jake lies awake listening.] So, yeah, it's a little tough right now, but I think the worst is behind us.
WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG TO COOK MY FRICKIN' OATMEAL?!
[Amy picks up the microwave, throws it on the floor, pulls out her collapsible baton, and starts beating and stomping the microwave.]
She'll be okay.
Ocampo got away. [Looks at one of the two men Diaz has caught] What happened to him?
Dumb-dumb tried to jump down the stairs. Shattered his ankle. Foot's all floppy.
Great. Let's get 'em back to the 9-9, see if Floppy Foot and his friend know where our man's hiding.
They don't know anything. They're undercover cops.
Crap, that's Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins.
I know; she's literally my hero. Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins!
You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
My name is Detective Ignatius Pettyfeather IX! That's I-G- [Hawkins gives him a look of disgust and walks away.] Nacious...
This place is awesome. I've always wanted to work in a covert facility.
I know; we're in a black site, Rosa. I bet they have some awesome name for it.
Welcome to The Slaughterhouse.
Told ya. Hey, listen- we know you told us to stop looking for Ocampo, but we figured we'd find him for you, try and make things right.
It's all good. I'm not mad. I checked out your files; you guys do good stuff. I think you guys might be our best option at finding this guy again. You think you can do that?
Can a paring knife remove a human heart in under a minute?
Yes. I've seen it happen.
Lucky.
So, why don't you both come back tomorrow and we'll start working this together? And who knows- if you find the guy, I got an open spot on my squad. Maybe one of you could fill it.
Or, maybe one of us could fill it.
Excuse me?
What you said, better. Rosa, leave now?
What's up?
So, not sure if Paxton told you, but we brought in a perp earlier.
Good-looking guy, weird energy.
Yeah, did you get anything?
No, he didn't know jack. But we surprisingly noticed that there was a camera in the room.
And we really need that footage.
Why?
Let's just say, in the course of questioning him, he may have accidentally fallen down a couple of times.
He's real clumsy.
If the wrong person saw that tape, they might get the wrong idea.
You know, I saw the tape. And it was shocking- how clumsy that guy actually was.
Right?
And you know the funny thing is, I meant to save the file, but I deleted it by accident.
Guess we're all a little clumsy.
Yes, indeed. I stepped on my omelette this morning. Not pertinent. Let's continue with our covert conversation.
You know, a bunch of us are going out drinking tonight. You wanna come?
I should warn you- me and Rosa go pretty hard.
Great; bring some coke.
NYPD! Hands up! Weapons down!
Great work, boys. We're cops. Wait, where's Captain Holt?
Who's Captain Holt? I don't know a Captain Holt.
We're NYPD officers; this is an undercover operation.
That's a lie, Peralta. You're the Golden Gang. We've been onto you for weeks, and we finally got you.
Hawkins? How did you get over there? Who are they?
You tell me. They're your crew.
[NYPD officers take off the masks of two robbers wearing the same type clothing and masks as Jake and Rosa.]
They got us, Jake. It's over.
I've never seen them before! What is going on?
Good job, everyone! We finally got the Golden Gang! [Approaches Jake, turns him around to handcuff him] I can't believe you thought you were gonna take me down.
You're not gonna get away with this!
Oh, I already did. And Captain Holt won't be able to get you out of this one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Brooklyn Nine-Nine pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
