Good morning Karly, Tani, looks like you're keeping the machines running smoothly.
KKarly
Whatever.
[To himself] Karly will be the first to go.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
How's the Sheriff?
Well, he keeps yelling, "Disability for life!" so I think he's fine.
Jacque rolls his own cigarettes; a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille! But.. that is not all he picked up.
Why do all your characters get STDs?!
Because they're living life!
Who hired you? Who do you work for, pizza man?!
Here's everything you need to know.
It's blank?
It's a metaphor! You get nothing, You lose! Good Day, Sir!
Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you. You look out there and see a problem, I look out there and see an opportunity. I'm gonna slide on that slippery floor all the way from Holt's office to the elevator.
You're gonna do the F.B.P.!
That's right, Rosa. I'm doing the Full Bullpen!
[Jake prepares by stretching. Terry puts on Jake's helmet and Amy kisses Jake before strapping him on.]
Here we go.
[When Gina waves the starting flag, Jake slides across the floor to the tune of Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now". Everyone cheers him on.]
[in slow motion] Yes!
[Everyone continues to root for Jake until he arrives at the elevator, which opens. Holt is inside to everyone's horror.]
BTBoyle, Terry and Diaz
[in slow motion] Nooooo!!!!
[in slow motion] OOOOHHH!!!
[in slow motion] What?
Hold on, I can't stop!
[Jake collides with Holt and the elevator closes. Everybody cringes. The elevator opens again and Holt and Jake exit. Holt grabs Jake's hand and raises it up.]
THE FULL BULLPEN!
Okay, we have got to explain this thing to Captain Holt to save their relationship. And you laughed at me when I went to that weekend-long math conference.
Because you called it "Funky Cats and Their Feisty Stats".
That was the name! It was so cool!
It was not. Anyway, it's not about the math. They haven't seen each other because of the night shift. They just need to bone.
What?! Gross! Rosa, those are our dads! [Diaz is taken aback.] I mean, that's not what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.
[Diaz is surprised.] Wow.
[exasperated] Never mind! I'm teaching Father the math.
[Diaz tilts her head, still surprised and amazed at what she's hearing.]
Whatever, Rosa!
[Amy hurriedly leaves, and Diaz still looks on at Amy.]
I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place at work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life.
Come on, sir. The math thing isn't the problem. The night shift is keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
[Mortified squeak]
What did you say?
[whispers] Don't say it again.
I said you two need to bone.
[Amy closes her eyes.]
How DARE YOU, DETECTIVE DIAZ. I AM YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER!
[5 minutes later, Amy is shuddering in her seat, Diaz is apathetic, and Holt is at his doorframe.]
BONE!!!!
[10 minutes later]
What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.
[21 minutes later, Amy is still shuddering in her seat, Diaz is still apathetic, and Holt is bouncing at his doorframe.]
BONE??!!
[40 minutes later]
Don't ever speak to me like that again.
[Holt leaves, Amy lifts her head to Diaz.]
Why did you do that?
Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.
Oh, Captain! I know you don't wanna talk about Monty Hall, but I did contact a Math professor.
No need, Santiago, it's all good.
So the fight with Kevin is over?
Yup!
Because you understand the math now?
Nope!
Because you guys...
Yup!
I knew it. [Diaz goes to leave but quickly turns back to Amy] See what happened is your dads had sex.
[Amy quickly stands up to leave] Okay, Rosa!
Hey there, Boyle. How's your weekend?
Well, actually, I got a little sick.
Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.
Yeah, well, Bullets Over Broadway was on TV. I came down with a big old Dianne Wiest infection.
[stares impassively]
[continues to smile]
[stares impassively]
[continues to smile] ...Like YEAST!
DCDeputy Commissioner Ultrecht
Hello. We're here to honor Captain Jason Stentley, who single-handedly brought down a major drug ring. So it is my pleasure to bestow upon him the Medal of Honor. Captain Stentley.
SStentley
Bestow me, baby! Oh, wow. That's a lotta people. Uh... Baba-booie! Cornholio! That's it for my prepared remarks. Any questions?
R1Reporter 1
Will taking down one drug dealer make a big difference in the overall level of drugs moving into the city?
SStentley
No idea. Next!
R2Reporter 2
What's your philosophy for dealing with international narcotics supply chains?
SStentley
Didn't understand the question. Next!
R1Reporter 1
Why was Flaco targeted for this operation?
SStentley
Okay, there's a question I can answer. Uh, uh- well, it all started because I lost a huge bag of cocaine, so I totally biffed it. Uh-
[Deputy Commissioner Ultrecht commandeers the podium.]
UUltrecht
Thank you, Captain. That is- that's plenty.
That was a train wreck.
Yes, he never should've been put in that position. Whoever recommended him for the medal and called all those reporters really messed up. [Smiles]
Wait, what are you saying?
Oh, nothing. It just seems as if CJ has been... overmined.
And you used my made-up word!
I did. I hated it, "overmined!" [Sighs] What have I become? Was this whole thing even worth it?
It was no snacksident.
So the foot massage place reported $7 million in profit last year. To make that much they'd have had to massage 100 feet an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the entire year.
Damn it! We have to shut them down.
Wait. Let's not be hasty about this. Let's think this through. We wanna be smart about this.
Right. What if we bust them tonight, and then tomorrow, I'm chasing a murderer, and I'm about to get him and my foot cramps up?
Due to lack of massaging.
Then the murderer gets away!
Know who he kills next? The Mayor.
Oh, my God. The City has no mayor now.
It's chaos. Rioting, looting, panic in the streets.
They gotta call in the National Guard, there's tanks rolling down Fifth Avenue, declaring martial law!
All because we shut down a foot massage place.
That was doing God's work! What were we thinking?
So it's agreed. We let them stay open, for the sake of the city.
For the sake of the city.
[They sit for a few moments.]
We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?
Yeah, let me get my stupid gun.
NYPD! Get down on the comfortable matted floor!
Put your magical hands where I can see them!
You're under arrest for ruining something perfect!
And money laundering.
Yes, money laundering! Whatever!
[Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit, and his foster brother George have Jake and Holt at gunpoint.]
What the hell, Judy? I thought we were friends!
I don't know why you thought that.
Because you kept saying we were! We had hard plans to go to Niagara Falls!
GJGeorge Judy
So bro, you friends with this cop?
No. This thirsty-ass bitch just desperate for attention.
"Thirsty-ass bitch"? Okay, Captain, now I know you're gonna step in to defend me.
Well, you were begging me to compliment you earlier.
Oh, my God, this is the worst day of my life! Where's Charles?
GJGeorge Judy
So if you're not friends, you won't mind if I waste 'im, right?
Of course he minds! I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in a playful way. Like Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God, was Tom trying to eat Jerry? My whole life is a lie!
Shoot 'im.
No, no, no! Those can't be my last words! Uh, ¡ay, caramba!
[George Judy pulls the trigger, but his pistol dry-fires.]
GJGeorge Judy
The hell?
[Doug Judy slams his pistol into his foster brother's head, knocking him out.]
Whoops. Looks like someone forgot to put bullets in his brother's gun.
I just got off the phone with the D.A. And for aiding in the capture of George Judy, you have officially been granted immunity from all your past crimes.
So I'm a free man?
[Nods] Mm.
[Doug Judy leans back and takes in his first breath as a free man.]
Nope. Still smells the same.
I'm sorry that I doubted you. But you did drive off with the guy we were chasing.
Had to. I saw he was about to get away, so I tricked him into thinking I was on his side. It's crazy how good I am at your job.
Look, I owe you both an apology. Doug Judy, I underestimated your honesty. And Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.
Yeah, I'm gonna need a lot more from you than that.
Fine. You're a good cop, even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.
Wow. Solve a pretty intense murder and just crap all over me.
Hey, Cap'n, got you a little somethin'-somethin'. [Pulls the cover off a nearby car, revealing a red 1963 Chevrolet Corvair Monza Spyder convertible.]
Gertie?
Nope. But she is the same make, model, and color.
Oh, my God, you stole this! I can't be seen driving a stolen-
Relax, man. I bought this at a used car lot for, like, $600. This is not a nice vehicle.
Yeah, it's not.
And by the way, her name's not Gertie. It's Sexarella.
Hello, Sexarella.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Brooklyn Nine-Nine pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.