[In a video conferencing call] Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss b*tches we are in our minds. Are you with me?
Yeah, I'm with you, awesome. Are you-- Is that the whole thing?
Obviously I have a plan. Tonight we are going to see a secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert at Bowery Ballroom.
No excuses, girl. I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today. Chea-- Get it! Chea-- Harder.
You're gonna have to speak in English for me.
I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch!
I wish that I could, but I am so close to finishing season one of "Damages," and I made, this, like, amazing cashew stir-fry for the week, so I'm actually pretty booked.
Stir-fry? Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van? Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine. I bet you schedule when you jack off.
Schedule when I ja-- [exhales deeply] Oh, my God. Is that Lincoln?
Yep. [Turns camera onto him who she is riding on top]
Yep. I'm just keeping him warm.
All right-- Let's just set some ground rules here for everybody involved. I don't want to see you have sex. Let's try and avoid that.
Thank you-- I've been doing this no-bread diet and it's pretty good.
[Drumming in park] Oh, we got a fan. We got a fan, hey, hey, hey. Me and Ilana, we really don't like to use labels. We try to be more progressive. We have a real connection. [A woman starts dancing] Oh, she's break dancing, that's cool. All right, let's pick it up. Who teaches the bucket drummers? I never seen a bucket drummer class listed anywhere.
[Bystanders start clapping and cheering and giving money to woman dancer] She should be giving us, like, 25%. We can't do this anymore! This is insane! [They stop drumming and get up]
BBystanders
We're like-- Where'd the music go? Boo!
[Walking away] Are you kidding me? No-- She wouldn't even have anything to dance to if it wasn't for us!
Lil Wayne's so short, though, that we weren't even gonna be able to see him from where we would have sat. I don't think I even would have recognized him. I don't know who this guy is. You know, I read that he's actually better pre-recorded. I just didn't want to say anything 'cause I wanted to go. These spaces are so small, like, we would be so close to so many strangers we don't know. Drinks are, like, so expensive and tiny, like--
Oh, my God, double... Crap. Do you know me, how I have to pee, like, constantly? We would be standing in line the whole concert. The whole time, we would be standing in a line.
Ugh. Tomorrow's gonna be the day, like, I know it, that we're gonna look back and be like, that was the day!
I know that tomorrow... tomorrow's totally the day.
MBMatt Bevers
Hey Ab', I've been meaning to ask I'm missing like a bunch of my undies.
So I had an envelope up here with all of my Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons. I can't find it.
MBMatt Bevers
I threw them away, they were all expired.
MBMatt Bevers
They have expiration dates on them!
Yeah, to-- to throw idiots off! Where do you think all this stuff comes from?! You think someone drops it off?! No!
MBMatt Bevers
This is Bed, Bath & Beyond?
Yeah! Dude, they sell lots of stuff! You just threw away bowls, maybe coffee filters, a... a new ottoman!
MBMatt Bevers
Well, you asked me to clean the fridge.
The inside of the fridge! The inside of the fridge is fine!
MBMatt Bevers
It's all those junky coupons on top that had to go. I guess that's totally on me, I guess.
Can't even do chores around the house! Hey! I will not buy a Sodastream full price, Bevers! I will not do it!
We are officially homeless.
No, dude, we are standing and awake. You gotta be lying down to be really homeless.
Sorry. Or officially dicks. You know what? This is insane. I'm changing here, just, like, cover me.
This is, like, getting to be ridiculous. Okay.
Oh, my God. Ilana. What did you do? That solstice, like... They should, like, give you containers for-- you know, for--
For what? Stealing lotion? What did you put it in?
Those, like, plastic bags.
The plastic bags are for swimsuits and, like, dirty gym clothes, not for loose goo. Just an FYI, okay?
I know. I can't believe that I'm gonna go to my first gallery show looking like this. You're ruining my big break. I mean, look-- look at me, I look like garbage. You know what? I'm going in.
Wait. What? This is the gallery?
Yeah. This is a sandwich shop. Or it's a gallery after 8:00 'cause they make people put their laptops away.
A sandwich shop?! You've been busting my balls all day over a sandwich shop?!
You know what, dude? I think I want you to stay out here, 'cause I definitely don't want you coming in there if you're not gonna be supportive.
Oh, I will absolutely be coming in.
SSSandwich shop employee
I'm sorry, can I help you?
Oh, I'm one of the artists.
SSSandwich shop employee
One of the sandwich artists?
No, I'm one of the-- the artist artists. Have any of the pieces sold yet? I know it's early.
SSSandwich shop employee
I haven't heard anything. But I highly doubt it.
Well, no, it's just that people don't really come in here for the art.
SSSandwich shop employee
We're a sandwich shop. So we sell food. Would you like some?
Are they... free sandwiches?
SSSandwich shop employee
You can order and then pay. Okay, so how it usually works.
SSSandwich shop employee
So you have two options. You can take your cut of the proceeds, or you can get a credit for, like, three sandwiches.
SSSandwich shop employee
And there's no meat.
No. Okay, how big are the sandwiches? Like, substantial?
SSSandwich shop employee
We-- Sometimes. That's not--
That's not like a sandwich. That's a teeny sandwich, right?
SSSandwich shop employee
People are full on that.
Okay, well, I'm not normal people.
SSSandwich shop employee
Okay. I don't-- Tofu is in them.
SSSandwich shop employee
I don't know the degree of tofu-ness.
You have no idea the degree. There should be some sort of scale.
SSSandwich shop employee
Okay, to-go coffee mugs, you guys must have that. Do you know what a sandwich is?
Do you? 'Cause you don't have any meat in them. There's no meat in the sandwiches. Just an FYI, that makes the sandwich.
God, these bagels here are, like, very good, so. How's the, um, gallery going?
It's not a gallery. It's a sandwich shop, you were right. And they don't really-- they don't even have meat, so I don't know if I would even consider it a sandwich shop, but... I'm sorry I was a bitch.
Don't even worry about it, you know? When a friend makes a mistake, you forgive them blindly, right?
I'm gonna go take a dump.
Hey Abbi, you gotta start somewhere. And look at The Hardy Boys. They started out as kid detectives, just solving mysteries in Bayport and now they have an entire book series about them.
Yeah, definitely, but you know, they are, like, fictional characters, but I appreciate the... sentiment behind it.
[Discovers keys in a necklace under shirt] The keys to my apartment. Don't you ever tell Abbi. You can't ever tell her. You can't ever tell her this, this is-
I won't tell Abbi, but I've told you several times and I'll tell you again, phone, keys, wallet- Every time. Phone, keys, wallet, P-K-W. Your brain is a muscle, Ilana, and I feel like that muscle isn't getting enough exercise. You need to do your brain kegels.
