Abbi Abrams quotes from Broad City

Abbi Abrams

I was curious to see if you were still selling the greenery. Cuz I'm looking to buy some um greenery.”

Abbi Abrams

I’m an adult and I’m responsible. Let’s go get some candy.”

Abbi Abrams

Never have I ever, um, dealt with how my parents' divorce affected my overall, you know, being in relationships.”

Abbi Abrams

[To Ilana] You're my favorite little jewie this side of Saint Louie.”

Ilana Wexler

[In a video conferencing call] Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss b*tches we are in our minds. Are you with me?

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, I'm with you, awesome. Are you-- Is that the whole thing?

Ilana Wexler

Obviously I have a plan. Tonight we are going to see a secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert at Bowery Ballroom.

Abbi Abrams

I can't, I'm so broke.

Ilana Wexler

No excuses, girl. I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today. Chea-- Get it! Chea-- Harder.

Abbi Abrams

You're gonna have to speak in English for me.

Ilana Wexler

I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch!

Abbi Abrams

I wish that I could, but I am so close to finishing season one of "Damages," and I made, this, like, amazing cashew stir-fry for the week, so I'm actually pretty booked.

Ilana Wexler

Stir-fry? Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van? Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine. I bet you schedule when you jack off.

Abbi Abrams

Schedule when I ja-- [exhales deeply] Oh, my God. Is that Lincoln?

Ilana Wexler

Yep. [Turns camera onto him who she is riding on top]

Abbi Abrams

Is he inside of you?

Ilana Wexler

Yep. I'm just keeping him warm.

Abbi Abrams

All right-- Let's just set some ground rules here for everybody involved. I don't want to see you have sex. Let's try and avoid that.

Ilana Wexler

Lincoln, you seem well.

Lincoln Rice

Thank you-- I've been doing this no-bread diet and it's pretty good.

Abbi Abrams

[Drumming in park] Oh, we got a fan. We got a fan, hey, hey, hey. Me and Ilana, we really don't like to use labels. We try to be more progressive. We have a real connection. [A woman starts dancing] Oh, she's break dancing, that's cool. All right, let's pick it up. Who teaches the bucket drummers? I never seen a bucket drummer class listed anywhere.

Ilana Wexler

[Bystanders start clapping and cheering and giving money to woman dancer] She should be giving us, like, 25%. We can't do this anymore! This is insane! [They stop drumming and get up]

We're like-- Where'd the music go? Boo!

Ilana Wexler

[Walking away] Are you kidding me? No-- She wouldn't even have anything to dance to if it wasn't for us!

You suck!

Ilana Wexler

What-- Shut up!

Ilana Wexler

Lil Wayne's so short, though, that we weren't even gonna be able to see him from where we would have sat. I don't think I even would have recognized him. I don't know who this guy is. You know, I read that he's actually better pre-recorded. I just didn't want to say anything 'cause I wanted to go. These spaces are so small, like, we would be so close to so many strangers we don't know. Drinks are, like, so expensive and tiny, like--

Abbi Abrams

Oh, my God, double... Crap. Do you know me, how I have to pee, like, constantly? We would be standing in line the whole concert. The whole time, we would be standing in a line.

Ilana Wexler

Ugh. Tomorrow's gonna be the day, like, I know it, that we're gonna look back and be like, that was the day!

Abbi Abrams

I know that tomorrow... tomorrow's totally the day.

Abbi Abrams

[In a video conferencing call] I can't really imagine what it's life for people with blue eyes.

Ilana Wexler

No idea, other than feeling like a fucking freak!

Hey Ab', I've been meaning to ask I'm missing like a bunch of my undies.

Abbi Abrams

So I had an envelope up here with all of my Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons. I can't find it.

I threw them away, they were all expired.

Abbi Abrams

Coupons never expire!

They have expiration dates on them!

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, to-- to throw idiots off! Where do you think all this stuff comes from?! You think someone drops it off?! No!

This is Bed, Bath & Beyond?

Abbi Abrams

Yeah! Dude, they sell lots of stuff! You just threw away bowls, maybe coffee filters, a... a new ottoman!

Well, you asked me to clean the fridge.

Abbi Abrams

The inside of the fridge! The inside of the fridge is fine!

It's all those junky coupons on top that had to go. I guess that's totally on me, I guess.

Abbi Abrams

Can't even do chores around the house! Hey! I will not buy a Sodastream full price, Bevers! I will not do it!

Abbi Abrams

We’re technically homeless right now.

Ilana Wexler

Ben Affleck was homeless for a night for a charity... we’re, like, doing that, just involuntarily.

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, we’re just a regular Matt and Ben.”

Abbi Abrams

We are officially homeless.

Ilana Wexler

No, dude, we are standing and awake. You gotta be lying down to be really homeless.

Abbi Abrams

Sorry. Or officially dicks. You know what? This is insane. I'm changing here, just, like, cover me.

Ilana Wexler

This is, like, getting to be ridiculous. Okay.

Abbi Abrams

Oh, my God. Ilana. What did you do? That solstice, like... They should, like, give you containers for-- you know, for--

Ilana Wexler

For what? Stealing lotion? What did you put it in?

Abbi Abrams

Those, like, plastic bags.

Ilana Wexler

Okay.

Abbi Abrams

The plastic bags are for swimsuits and, like, dirty gym clothes, not for loose goo. Just an FYI, okay?

Ilana Wexler

This is just insane.

Abbi Abrams

I know. I can't believe that I'm gonna go to my first gallery show looking like this. You're ruining my big break. I mean, look-- look at me, I look like garbage. You know what? I'm going in.

Ilana Wexler

Wait. What? This is the gallery?

Abbi Abrams

Yeah. This is a sandwich shop. Or it's a gallery after 8:00 'cause they make people put their laptops away.

Ilana Wexler

A sandwich shop?! You've been busting my balls all day over a sandwich shop?!

Abbi Abrams

You know what, dude? I think I want you to stay out here, 'cause I definitely don't want you coming in there if you're not gonna be supportive.

Ilana Wexler

Oh, I will absolutely be coming in.

I'm sorry, can I help you?

Abbi Abrams

Oh, I'm one of the artists.

One of the sandwich artists?

Abbi Abrams

No, I'm one of the-- the artist artists. Have any of the pieces sold yet? I know it's early.

I haven't heard anything. But I highly doubt it.

Abbi Abrams

Well, no, it's just that people don't really come in here for the art.

We're a sandwich shop. So we sell food. Would you like some?

Abbi Abrams

Are they... free sandwiches?

You can order and then pay. Okay, so how it usually works.

So you have two options. You can take your cut of the proceeds, or you can get a credit for, like, three sandwiches.

Abbi Abrams

Yeah. Okay.

And there's no meat.

Abbi Abrams

No. Okay, how big are the sandwiches? Like, substantial?

We-- Sometimes. That's not--

Abbi Abrams

That's not like a sandwich. That's a teeny sandwich, right?

People are full on that.

Abbi Abrams

Okay, well, I'm not normal people.

Okay. I don't-- Tofu is in them.

Abbi Abrams

Is it thick?

I don't know the degree of tofu-ness.

Abbi Abrams

You have no idea the degree. There should be some sort of scale.

Okay, to-go coffee mugs, you guys must have that. Do you know what a sandwich is?

Abbi Abrams

Do you? 'Cause you don't have any meat in them. There's no meat in the sandwiches. Just an FYI, that makes the sandwich.

Ilana Wexler

God, these bagels here are, like, very good, so. How's the, um, gallery going?

Abbi Abrams

It's not a gallery. It's a sandwich shop, you were right. And they don't really-- they don't even have meat, so I don't know if I would even consider it a sandwich shop, but... I'm sorry I was a bitch.

Ilana Wexler

Don't even worry about it, you know? When a friend makes a mistake, you forgive them blindly, right?

Abbi Abrams

Cool, yeah.

Ilana Wexler

I'm gonna go take a dump.

Abbi Abrams

Oh... cool, cool.

Lincoln Rice

Hey Abbi, you gotta start somewhere. And look at The Hardy Boys. They started out as kid detectives, just solving mysteries in Bayport and now they have an entire book series about them.

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, definitely, but you know, they are, like, fictional characters, but I appreciate the... sentiment behind it.

Ilana Wexler

Abbi, truth or dare?

Abbi Abrams

You know what, I'm gonna go with dare.

Ilana Wexler

I dare you to suck Jeremy's dick.