Ilana Wexler quotes from Broad City

Ilana Wexler

Let's meet at the ATM where the dude puked on you last week.”

Ilana Wexler

You said that if you ever were going to do a same sex experimentation, it was going to be with me.”

Ilana Wexler

I'd like to cash these nickels, and I'll have them in quarters, please. ”

Ilana Wexler

[Watching a game of amateur basketball] Abbi, why wouldn't we be rating them on dick size? It's all I can see. Those b-ball shorts are God's gift. If you train your eyes, you can see their religion.”

Ilana Wexler

Nose, vagina, butthole. If God didn’t want us to put our fingers in there, then why did she make them perfectly finger-sized?

Ilana Wexler

Check it. I got a dirty ass martini and a clean white power suit.”

Ilana Wexler

I'd shoot you in the face and shoot myself in the heart.”

Ilana Wexler

Four R’s, my friend: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Rihanna.”

Ilana Wexler

I know you from your ass better than I know your face.”

Ilana Wexler

Horny number! Oooh! Yowza! Love it!”

Ilana Wexler

I leave a cum trail wherever I go, kinda like a slutty slug.

Ilana Wexler

'Cause I’m a cum QUEEN!

Ilana Wexler

[In a video conferencing call] Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss b*tches we are in our minds. Are you with me?

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, I'm with you, awesome. Are you-- Is that the whole thing?

Ilana Wexler

Obviously I have a plan. Tonight we are going to see a secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert at Bowery Ballroom.

Abbi Abrams

I can't, I'm so broke.

Ilana Wexler

No excuses, girl. I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today. Chea-- Get it! Chea-- Harder.

Abbi Abrams

You're gonna have to speak in English for me.

Ilana Wexler

I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch!

Abbi Abrams

I wish that I could, but I am so close to finishing season one of "Damages," and I made, this, like, amazing cashew stir-fry for the week, so I'm actually pretty booked.

Ilana Wexler

Stir-fry? Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van? Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine. I bet you schedule when you jack off.

Abbi Abrams

Schedule when I ja-- [exhales deeply] Oh, my God. Is that Lincoln?

Ilana Wexler

Yep. [Turns camera onto him who she is riding on top]

Abbi Abrams

Is he inside of you?

Ilana Wexler

Yep. I'm just keeping him warm.

Abbi Abrams

All right-- Let's just set some ground rules here for everybody involved. I don't want to see you have sex. Let's try and avoid that.

Ilana Wexler

Lincoln, you seem well.

Lincoln Rice

Thank you-- I've been doing this no-bread diet and it's pretty good.

Abbi Abrams

[Drumming in park] Oh, we got a fan. We got a fan, hey, hey, hey. Me and Ilana, we really don't like to use labels. We try to be more progressive. We have a real connection. [A woman starts dancing] Oh, she's break dancing, that's cool. All right, let's pick it up. Who teaches the bucket drummers? I never seen a bucket drummer class listed anywhere.

Ilana Wexler

[Bystanders start clapping and cheering and giving money to woman dancer] She should be giving us, like, 25%. We can't do this anymore! This is insane! [They stop drumming and get up]

We're like-- Where'd the music go? Boo!

Ilana Wexler

[Walking away] Are you kidding me? No-- She wouldn't even have anything to dance to if it wasn't for us!

You suck!

Ilana Wexler

What-- Shut up!

Ilana Wexler

Lil Wayne's so short, though, that we weren't even gonna be able to see him from where we would have sat. I don't think I even would have recognized him. I don't know who this guy is. You know, I read that he's actually better pre-recorded. I just didn't want to say anything 'cause I wanted to go. These spaces are so small, like, we would be so close to so many strangers we don't know. Drinks are, like, so expensive and tiny, like--

Abbi Abrams

Oh, my God, double... Crap. Do you know me, how I have to pee, like, constantly? We would be standing in line the whole concert. The whole time, we would be standing in a line.

Ilana Wexler

Ugh. Tomorrow's gonna be the day, like, I know it, that we're gonna look back and be like, that was the day!

Abbi Abrams

I know that tomorrow... tomorrow's totally the day.