Lincoln Rice quotes from Broad City

Lincoln Rice

I won’t make out with you; white people do that, black people don’t make out with dogs.”

Lincoln Rice

I was so worried I baked a whole cake. And then I ate a whole cake.”

Ilana Wexler

[In a video conferencing call] Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss b*tches we are in our minds. Are you with me?

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, I'm with you, awesome. Are you-- Is that the whole thing?

Ilana Wexler

Obviously I have a plan. Tonight we are going to see a secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert at Bowery Ballroom.

Abbi Abrams

I can't, I'm so broke.

Ilana Wexler

No excuses, girl. I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today. Chea-- Get it! Chea-- Harder.

Abbi Abrams

You're gonna have to speak in English for me.

Ilana Wexler

I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch!

Abbi Abrams

I wish that I could, but I am so close to finishing season one of "Damages," and I made, this, like, amazing cashew stir-fry for the week, so I'm actually pretty booked.

Ilana Wexler

Stir-fry? Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van? Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine. I bet you schedule when you jack off.

Abbi Abrams

Schedule when I ja-- [exhales deeply] Oh, my God. Is that Lincoln?

Ilana Wexler

Yep. [Turns camera onto him who she is riding on top]

Abbi Abrams

Is he inside of you?

Ilana Wexler

Yep. I'm just keeping him warm.

Abbi Abrams

All right-- Let's just set some ground rules here for everybody involved. I don't want to see you have sex. Let's try and avoid that.

Ilana Wexler

Lincoln, you seem well.

Lincoln Rice

Thank you-- I've been doing this no-bread diet and it's pretty good.

Ilana Wexler

God, these bagels here are, like, very good, so. How's the, um, gallery going?

Abbi Abrams

It's not a gallery. It's a sandwich shop, you were right. And they don't really-- they don't even have meat, so I don't know if I would even consider it a sandwich shop, but... I'm sorry I was a bitch.

Ilana Wexler

Don't even worry about it, you know? When a friend makes a mistake, you forgive them blindly, right?

Abbi Abrams

Cool, yeah.

Ilana Wexler

I'm gonna go take a dump.

Abbi Abrams

Oh... cool, cool.

Lincoln Rice

Hey Abbi, you gotta start somewhere. And look at The Hardy Boys. They started out as kid detectives, just solving mysteries in Bayport and now they have an entire book series about them.

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, definitely, but you know, they are, like, fictional characters, but I appreciate the... sentiment behind it.

Ilana Wexler

[Discovers keys in a necklace under shirt] The keys to my apartment. Don't you ever tell Abbi. You can't ever tell her. You can't ever tell her this, this is-

Lincoln Rice

I won't tell Abbi, but I've told you several times and I'll tell you again, phone, keys, wallet- Every time. Phone, keys, wallet, P-K-W. Your brain is a muscle, Ilana, and I feel like that muscle isn't getting enough exercise. You need to do your brain kegels.

Lincoln Rice

[At a restaurant] Communication is dope. On the long-term front, I would like to bring up an issue with the state of Maryland.

Ilana Wexler

Mm-hmm.

Lincoln Rice

I think I'd like to move there.

Ilana Wexler

You just want to up and move to middle-of-nowhere Maryland?

Lincoln Rice

Well, I'm from there, so my whole family would be there. My brother's a dentist, also, and we've always wanted to start our own practice, "The Tooth Factory." And there's lots of great schools there.

Ilana Wexler

Schools? So, w- w- what, like, cars drive around them slower, and it's safer to walk?

Lincoln Rice

No. Schools are... for the children that I father to attend.

Ilana Wexler

Are we... Are we still discussing this year? I don't really remember reviewing this for my notes.

Lincoln Rice

Well, I guess while looking at this year's points, I looked ahead at next year and the year after that.

Ilana Wexler

Is this about the rom-coms? 'Cause I'll watch one every weekend, you know? And I'll just rip a bong and laugh really sincerely, and I'll learn to love them.

Lincoln Rice

No, it's just that, I want to buy a house. I've been looking on Zillow. Houses aren't even that expensive in Maryland. And I want to have kids, and I want to get married.

Ilana Wexler

Lincoln, I'm only 27. What am I, a child bride? You know, I don't know that I never want it. I just definitely don't want it right now. I could commit to a kid when I'm like... 43. Lincoln, I just figured out that I want to go back to school and focus on my wizness. I'm on a New York City timeline.

Lincoln Rice

Do you ever think you'd change your mind?

Ilana Wexler

At this point, I can't move on this.