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All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh, I am the famous bear, Who loves to drink and screw, I'll drink, and drink, and drink, It's my favorite thing to do, Although I may black out, This thirst I cannot quench, One time I came too naked, Balls-deep in Judi Dench.
BPBar Patrons
He'll drink, and drink, and drink, It's his favorite thing to do, Cause he's the famous bear, Who loves to drink and screw...!
Nonsense! the night has just began, and the pills are just kicking in!
What?
[Flamey screams]
Hey, you fat furry fook! And you, too, bear!
SRSuper Rape
You stuck me with the bar tab.
You burnt down my club!
Your crappy insurance barely paid your deductible.
MMan
And you mauled my kids!
In fairness, that wasn't Flamey. It was a real bear he sent to your house.
MMan
Ah, okay. [leaves happy]
All I've ever done is love you and you're nothing but a washed up, drunken, asshole! You don't deserve to wear this suit! I hate you!
I think I may be feeling regret for the first time in my life. Does regret feel like numbness in your left arm and then a crushing chest pain?
No, I think that's a heart attack.
[Has a heart attack and collapses]
[breathing heavily] Steven, I'm dying ... Again ... Take off my bear head ... so that I may look on you ... with my own eyes.
[Steve takes off his mask and reveals a pale bald guy's face]
I actually do remember meeting you at the Winn-Dixie. You were a stocky lad with a mispelled Flamey shirt.
Yeah. That was me.
I remember, Steve, because...come closer.
Yes? Tell me.
I remember because I banged your mother in the back of your station wagon. Her face was jammed into your boosted seat. When she climaxed, she inhaled three goldfish crackers. [dies]
[Steve gets mad and then drives off; He drives back and runs over Flamey multiple times]
This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.
Aww!
What a pretty name!
Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.
"Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".
Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.
What's wrong with my boobs?
Besides the fact, that you also have a back set.
[screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!
This is going too far, Denzel!
That baby's evil! I'll prove it!
How?
Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.
Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.
NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming as she running]
It's just a baby, Denzel.
This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.
Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.
All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.
Leave the gun.
Fine.
Connie, I'm sorry...[Connie is sleeping; snoring, he walks quietly to Donnie's bassinet] Uh, Donnie, I'm not good at this apology stuff, but...I'm sorry I'm said you were the antichrist maybe when you grow up a little, you and I can...
DDonnie
[satanic voice] Apology accepted.
Oh, thanks, Donnie. You're pretty cool...WAIT, YOU CAN TALK?!
DDonnie
Denzel, I'm going to rip out your dick! and feed it to the demons of hell! [growling, vomiting]
[Denzel screaming in frightened]
[to Connie] Your body has a lotta bumps. We can't keep track of what they all are.
DDonnie
[snarls] This is it? You four think you can stop me?
Don't listen to him! He'll use his lies to try to make us turn on each other.
DDonnie
The preacher said you're a pussy.
What? [he punches Vernon]
VVernon
What's wrong with you?
Like that. That's a good example of what we shouldn't let him to.
[Donnie laughs evilly]
Oh, laugh now, antichrist. Because surprise! We've assembled an Exorcism dream team! Father Quinn!
FQFather Quinn
I'm going to need to be alone with the child. You don't have to nanny cam, right?
Rabbi Maltzman!
RMRabbi Maltzman
No, no, you stay in there, demon. As long as you're comfortable. I schlepped all the way here from Brooklyn. Eh, but don't worry about me.
And Witch Doctor Kuzniak!
Lucky for us, I went to medical school in Haiti.
And Jorge! Who's seen the Exorcist seven 1/2 times and let us use his car.
I'm not with them! I'm on your side!
Jorge, shut up.
Come on, let me sell you my soul. I'll sign whatever contract Ben Affleck a signed. WHATEVER!
DDonnie
I was up for a challenge. This is going to be far too easy.
FQFather Quinn
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
DDonnie
Shut up!
[Father Quinn dies in explosion caused Donnie's satanic powers]
DDonnie
So, who wants to choose how I will kill the rest of you?
Blowjobbed to death?
DDonnie
You got it. By rabid hell hounds. And here we...[wailing]
I'm going to write Kate Upton a not-so-nice Yelp review. Ethel? What the hell's going on here?
We're doing an exorcism on your crazy-ass devil baby!
And we almost got blowjobs, until you showed up!
VVernon
Connie, we've got to trust the Lord. Just like it say in the Bible. If the exorcism don't go so bueno, throw that goddamn baby in a volcano. Ha!
What? NO!
Sorry, Connie, but it's the only way to stop the apocalypse.
You lucky we got a volcano right here. Most people with devil babies gotta pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii.
[to everybody] Screw you guys! Come on, Donnie. I'll protect you. I promise! [she runs off]
Get her! That baby owes us blowjobs! [he runs off]
[Lyrics to I Like to Sing Acapella]
I like to sing acapella.
MGMusic Group
Acapella.
It makes me a most happy fella.
MGMusic Group
Acapella.
I sing songs loud or mellow.
MGMusic Group
Acapella.
All the girls’ legs turn to jello.
MGMusic Group
Acapella. Hey!
I can sing like a dog.
MGMusic Group
Acapella. Hey!
I can sing in the toilet.
MGMusic Group
Acapella. Hey!
I can go out with Pablo.
MGMusic Group
Acapella. Hey!
[Lyrics to Best Friends Forever]
Be my be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.
SWSteve, Woody, and Music Group
Best friends forever.
SWSteve and Woody
Whatever we endeavor. Our bond will never sever. No matter what so, what so ever. Best friends forever. Whatever the weather. Together whenever. When happy, sad, or in between.
Be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.
Oh!
AAll
Best friends!
[Steve makes a phone call, where he insults Woody right in front of him]
Yeah, he's a real jerk. I can't stand him. No. He's right next to me. With his big stupid Kathleen Turner mustache.
FUCK YOU, THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL PHONE!
[Woody takes the phone and it's a preschooler telephone toy]
See what I'm dealing with?
Down syndrome?
[After Woody is vomiting at people during President Obama's party, which is cause he's allergic to crab cakes]
Oh, God, how did this happen?
Hmm...It wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate was it?
You did this, you son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life!
You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me. I just wanted to be your friend, and all you did, was treat me like shit! And you gave me cancer!
I'm gonna kill you!
Not if I kill you first!
[both fighting]
LLeslie
Thanks for the tour, Steve-a. You have a such an exciting life.
It's even more exciting with cool [to Denzel] best friends [to Leslie, Lydia and Collette] like you. Can you believe someone thought [to Denzel] I couldn't make [to Leslie, Lydia and Collette] new friends?
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