Bob's Burgers · Season 1
(Marshmallow walks into the restaurant.)
Marshmallow in the house. Now put a burger in my mouth.
Oh, hey, Marshmallow.
*(gasps)* Tall, dark and handsome!
That settles it: Mom's psychic!
No she isn't! Marshmallow isn't handsome. She's....beautiful.
Blush!
(Teddy notices the "Equestra-Con" Flyer on the counter.)
Hey, Bob. You going to Equestra-Con?
Uh, no, Teddy. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.
Beg to differ, Bob. It's for guys that like toy horses. They're called "Equesticles."
"Equesticles"?
Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're men.
(At the convention...)
Does anyone else think these girls all look like men?
I think they are men. This is a kind of man. We've discovered a new kind of man!
Do you think they're dangerous?
(An "Equesticle" in full costume hums a happy tune while brushing his dolls hair.)
N......no.
Tina, did some guy just swindle you out of your toy horse?
What? No! I mean, kind of. Why would you say that?
(pointing at Bronconius) He just said it!
Wha, who, wha, what's goin' on, wha?
Tina got swindled!
Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!
AAAHHHH! I told you we should have never left the food court!
Look at what you've all become. You've betrayed the meaning of the Equestranauts. And I don't mean the sexually-charged, awkward, confusing vibe at this party. I'm a fan of sexually-charged, awkward, confusing things too. Like, for instance--
[frowning] Tina.
Sorry. But being an "Equesticle" means no judgment... right, Horseplay? I mean, you accepted me, and I don't even have testicles. Bronconius hijacked this thing you all love and tainted it. He's the real Xandar.
I know who that is - he's the bad guy.
All right, great, let's open that safe.
Ha! You'll never get into that safe! The combination is based on an Equestranauts reference so obscure that only the smartest, most knowledgeable Equesticle in the world could figure it out! That Equesticle is me!
[on the throne] Front desk?
[Cut to a hotel assistant opening the safe for Bob]
There you go.
Oh. Well, that was... actually easy.
(The kids discover the lump of ambergris and its distinctive odor.)
(sniff) Gross! (sniff) Great! (sniff) Gross! (sniff) Great!
I can't stop smelling this enigma of gross-great!
Is that what sex will be like?
Did you get my messages about the bathroom? That I left you? For the last several months?
Yes, I got them. How the hell did you get my number?
You gave it to me when we first met.
Not to use!
Rich people run funny. Must be all the money in their pockets. Or their big, rich, golden wieners. Eh, it's probably their wieners.
(As Bob and Linda watch TV, Louise runs into their bedroom to retrieve the ambergris.)
Hey, why are you going into our room?
Probably putting something gross in our bed.
I'm taking something gross out of your bed.
Oh, okay.
Thanks, sweetie!
Bob! Louise ran away!
What!?
She told me to wait ten mintues before I told you. But I'm a grown man, and she's a little girl. So I waited eight.
You waited eight minutes to tell me my daughter ran away?
Don't tell her I didn't wait the full ten!
(Bob and Linda plan their strategy against Louise)
You know, I've never read any parenting books, but I'm pretty sure this isn't in them.
Parenting books? There are parenting books?
Yeah.
I thought that was a joke.
Nope.
I should write a parenting book. Call it, "Hey You, I Saw That! Put It Back!"
You should do that.
I know, right? Make a fortune!
[About Courtney's Working Girl musical.]
So it's just a coincidence that you took a beloved '80s movie - some say the sassy sister film to Die Hard - and set it to music and lyrics?
Where's Tina? At home, crying into her butt?
No. My butt is dry. And strong.
(Bob awakes from a nightmare.)
I'm sorry, Teddy!
What - what happened - what happened?
I'm killing Teddy.
(sleepily) What, you're going to kill Teddy? Alright. Car's gassed up. That's good. Guess I could home school the kids-
No, Lin, the burgers are killing him.
(shocked) What?
The ones I give him every day.
Oh. Gotcha.
Good God, Linda, you had all that ready?
What? I'm just being supportive. Good night.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Bob's Burgers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
