We're here to talk about Carl Jenkins.
Gordon.
We're here to talk about Carl Gordon.
Jenkins.
Carl Gordan Jenkins.
Gordon Jenkins.
Carl Gordon Jenkins Gordon Jenkins. Are you sure that's right?
That's fine.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Now let's go back upstairs and get to work. For tonight, we dine in hell!
Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It's so important. But it's different at work. Time spent with friends at work robs your employer of productivity. And robbing people is wrong. Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It's the same as stealing.
So did you hear the latest office gossip? Ryan the security guard quit his job because you're a giant douche-mobile. That's right, you're a douche on wheels. Or perhaps a decorative sculpture hanging above a baby douche's crib. The gossip didn't specify.
JJanet
The company doesn't make mistakes.
What about that memo announcing "Casual Fribsday"?
JJanet
The company said that wasn't a mistake. They explained that the ancient Mayans prophesied Fribsday, the first ever eighth day of the week which will occur in 2024. Which the company believes should be celebrated casually. I'm going to wear a denim pantsuit.
And when they urged all employees to "carpoop"?
JJanet
That wasn't mandatory. Thank God.
Although we did find out what people would do to park slightly closer to the building.
Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I've devised a formula.
Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn't she, Phil?
If she ever took physical form, I'd leave my wife and marry her.
Stand in line, my friend.
Anyway, it's really quite simple. You take a person's most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia—male, female, or animal—and end with the suffix "-bag," "-wipe", or "-muncher."
You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.
Can't we develop one product that doesn't end up being used to kill people? Even our fat-free cinnamon roll led to that new sticky bomb.
You're so moral and perfect all the time. Do singing birds and mice dress you and brush your hair in the morning?
No. Although my dad does call me "Princess." And there is a grumpy dwarf in my building.
Veridian Dynamics. Doing the right thing. It's important. What does it mean in business? We have no idea. We know what wrong is. Actually, no, we don't. Because we're a successful company, not some boring ethics professor. Veridian Dynamics. Right and Wrong. It means something. We just don't know what.
The Germans are worried about working with us because ironically, they think that Veridian is ruthlessly efficient and bent on world domination.
Wow. That's like when those Irish auditors thought our accounting department drank too much and wrote overly depressing poetry.
[Rehearsing her presentation] "We believe the multi-language translator will create a furor in Germany—a furor that will sweep across Europe, crushing..." No.
We can't leave work in the middle of the day. We're not Somali pirates.
A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods, but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun.
So you're saying you, or this terrifying, murderous fawn, could have used some guidance?
Yes, we would have liked that. We're going to raise more money for this charity than it ever has before. The forest will run red with the blood of woodland creatures who doubted little Veronica and will now pay with their furry little lives.
There's really no middle ground with you. Either you don't care at all, or you care 100-and-crazy-percent.
What else is there? Now saddle up Linda, and say goodbye to common sense.
No. We're not done here. This woman opened her heart, and that happens so rarely you could hear the hinges squeek. I will not let you slam that rusty heart door shut.
Go Linda, release your anger!
You will not crush this woman's spirit and love, you spineless, condescending bureaucrat.
Good Linda, only your hatred can destroy him!
You sir, are a bad egg!
Yes, now strike!
[after headbutting man]: Wow. Where did that come from?
I am a good mentor!
I Convinced Lonny, the odd guy who works in the oddly cold computer room, to keep the cadaver for a while. Might be a little creepy at first, but the cadaver'll get used to him.
It's not fair, all you people with your kids...Pal-ing around after hours, networking, advancing your careers. And I get left behind just because I don't want to turn my uterus in to a human veal farm.
Well, some call it the miracle of life, but okay....
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Better Off Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.