Veronica Palmer quotes from Better Off Ted

Veronica

Your guys would do anything for you, Ted. They've got, what's that thing again? Underlings have it. Loyalty.

Veronica

I’m different than other women, Ted. And by different, I mean better.

Veronica

If you have any problems, any at all, you come see me…Although, that would be a huge admission of failure on your part.

Veronica

Nice sweater Lily. I support your decision to wear it. Hi balding guy, I love what you’ve done with the hair you have left. Hello mob, you look confused.

Veronica

I know I've been distracted lately, but I'll be fine. I'm just living an exciting and full life, burning the candle at both ends. The way my great-grandfather, a misunderstood candlemaker, insisted candles should be burned.

Veronica

God, you people are paranoid. No wonder the company has to secretly manipulate you.

Veronica

"Plus several of the executives have their own grope-y, squeezy, unzippy problems and now their jobs are safe too."

Veronica

Sorry, Ted. The company feels that if we ease up because someone dies, it will only encourage other people to die.

Veronica

Now let's go back upstairs and get to work. For tonight, we dine in hell!

Veronica

[Rehearsing her presentation] "We believe the multi-language translator will create a furor in Germany—a furor that will sweep across Europe, crushing..." No.

Veronica

We want to weaponize a pumpkin.

Ted

Then so do I. ...Because?

Veronica

There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them... as well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.

Ted

Well, finally, the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.

Veronica

Pie.

Ted

...Halloween and pie.

Veronica

Ted. The drones working on the spy drone came up with this cheap fabric. Find another use for it.

Ted

Hmm, it's good texture... coloration... maybe a breakfast meat.

Veronica

Are you serious? We want to be in that business.

Ted

No. You.. you have to lighten up.

Veronica

Maybe I'm too funny. Maybe I was joking about not getting your joke.

Ted

Uhm....

Phil

Ted, there’s been a spill—oh, hi Veronica. It’s nothing.

Veronica

Hi Phil. Actually, you’re the reason I’m here.

Phil

Oh, really?

Veronica

Yes, you can go now.

Phil

But, I—

Veronica

I’m here to talk about you, not to you.

Phil

I’m sorry.

Veronica

We want to freeze Phil.

Ted

Excuse me?

Veronica

Phil. The company wants to cryonically freeze him. Just for a year to see if it’s possible. We think it is.

Ted

You think it’s possible?

Veronica

Yes, Mr. Negative. We do. We’ve developed a chemical which allows us to rapidly freeze live animal tissue without it exploding and, fingers crossed, we’re ready for human testing.

Ted

Your presentation sucks.

I’ve never seen a man explode from the inside: a rabbit, an eel, a goat, a monkey, and a reindeer. But that’s all.

Veronica

I’m out.

Phil

How did I get wet?

Veronica

No one knows. [pause] Perhaps you urinated.

Phil

In my face?