Linda Zwordling quotes from Better Off Ted

Linda

Kids. God's little awkward moment machines.

Linda

How do you manage all those scientists with their egos and bickering and full frontal nerdity?

Linda

"I don't want a sex disease especially one that's assigned to me by my supervisor."

Linda

So did you hear the latest office gossip? Ryan the security guard quit his job because you're a giant douche-mobile. That's right, you're a douche on wheels. Or perhaps a decorative sculpture hanging above a baby douche's crib. The gossip didn't specify.

Linda

People are squirming. The fabric's not comfortable.

Ted

Squirming? Or are they just enjoying it so much they want their whole body to rub against it?

Linda

[speaking on the phone] No, the zebra and the toaster are friends. So-

Ted

Ahem.

Linda

I have to go. No, that doesn't make the toaster mean. He's not a sociopath, he just doesn't want to make toast anymore. [hangs up the phone and turns to Ted] Hi...that a new... shirt?

Ted

Oh, that's cool. Let's pretend that phone call wasn't odd.

It tastes familiar…

Ted

Beef?

No…

Linda

Chicken? We’ll take chicken.

[Shakes head.]

Ted

What does it taste like?

Despair.

Ted

Is it possible it just needs salt?

Linda

You love rules. You should marry a rule. And have little rule children. And build a house made of rules.

Ted

You mean a house made of my own children.

Linda

That’s between you and your conscience.

Maybe he’s dead.

Linda

He’s not dead Patricia. You think everyone’s dead.

People die Linda. Ask my dead neighbor.

Phil

He could be at the vending machine. Perhaps that new yogurt caught his eye.

Lem

he doesn’t eat yogurt. He’s Ted. He’s more likely out hitting a homerun or foiling a robbery or—

Stop it! We’re scientists, not people who can examine every variable of a phenomenon to determine an accurate understanding of a specific event. Ted’s late. We can’t know why any more than we can unravel the secrets of the universe.

Lem

See how order breaks down without Ted?

Phil

If only Ted were here he could tell us what to do without him.

Linda

I can't believe company is treating you like this. Doesn't it make you wanna scream or put your fist through a wall... or rub your junk on the C.E.O.'s chair?

Ted

Yes... Yes... and I only use my junk for good, not for evil. With great junk, comes great responsibility.

Linda

I just made three new friends. Maybe I was wrong about the cubicle themes. For the first time since I've been here, I actually feel like I'm part of something.

Ted

Glad to hear it. I have to go to a strip club tomorrow with a bunch of old men.

Linda

Wow. What theme did the company give you?

Ted

I'm a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.

Linda

Huh. Last week a story like that would've surprised me. So who'd you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle.

Linda

Are you staring at my butt?

Ted

Hm? No. Your butt is in my staring place, so technically, it's staring at me.

Linda

Sorry, it's from a small town. It's never seen a big business man like you before.

Ted

Well, tell it to act more professionally. It's making a spectacle of itself.

Linda

[To her fish] "Mama". Say, "Mama."

Ted

You know, that fish probably has better things to do. Like protect his treasure from that diver. [Referring to the toys in the fishbowl.]

Linda

Okay, first of all, that fish has a name. It's MacGyver. That's right. MacGyver and The Diver. Second of all, they're gay-married. And don't you dare judge-

Ted

You do realize that your report on the hyper-sonic sound project is due tomorrow?

Linda

Whoa, look who's all: "get to work". MacGyver, why do you think Ted's like that? Who do you think he didn't get enough love from? That's right! His Mama!

Linda

[Low voice, musically] Are you ready? [High voice, musically] Yes, I'm ready. [Low voice, musically] Are you ready? [High voice, musically] Yes, I'm ready -

Ted

[Low voice, musically] Is your report ready?

Linda

[High voice, musically] No, it's not ready.

Ted

[Low voice, musically] You should have your fish do it.

Linda

[High voice, musically] He can only write, "Mama".