Better Off Ted Season 1 quotes

Look at that...I've never seen Olivia so crazy for anyone as she is for your daughter. Kids...There's just no rhyme or reason to some of the ridiculous things they get attached to.

Ted

Yeah...Wait, what?

Ted

[voiceover] How do you convince an eight-year old girl to go to a party she doesn't want to go to? I have no idea. So, I thought I'd ask someone who used to be an eight-year old girl.

Linda

Get her a beautiful, sparkly, pink party dress and a princess tiara. If she doesn't want it, I've got an event coming up I'd wear it to.

Ted

Actually, getting Rose a dress is a great idea. Thanks, Linda! You really are a girl!

Linda

Yes, I am. And it's not just the genitals. It's a whole lifestyle.

Lem

Our self respect demands a harsh response.

Phil

We're thinking about bringing her a coffee and a bagel every morning. Then, when she's grown accustomed to it, we'll inexplicably stop it.

Ted

Guys, why don't you just talk to Linda? Tell her your feelings are hurt and ... Wait a second, you guys stopped bringing me a bagel and coffee two weeks ago!

Phil

You know what you did.

Phil

Let's get her a bagel and some coffee. It is time to start laying the groundwork for pain. In three to six weeks, she's not going to know what hit her.

Lem

I don't know if I can wait that long. We need another plan. Something with more bite that doesn't take weeks, and weeks, and often goes unnoticed.

Veronica

Working on Galaxy Omega would be so exciting—being able to communicate with animals. I've always wanted to tell a giraffe how stupid it looks.

I've always wanted to ask a baboon why they're called baboons; it's such a ridiculous name. Baboon!

Ted

There may be other applications, beyond insulting animals. Like, learning about the environment.

Veronica

Ugh, don't we have enough humans complaining about that? Now I've got to listen to some hippie bear whining that I'm eating all his salmon!

Ted

[whispering] We'll spread a rumour that we broke up. Then, when our pretend relationship's over, we can go back to being friends again

Linda

[whispering] That's a great idea! In fact, it's such a great idea, why wait for a rumour to spread? [loudly] You no good louse!

Ted

Oh dear.

Linda

That's right, Crisp. I'm breaking up with you, right here and right now.

Ted

Oh, then it's over. Bye. [Tries to leave]

Linda

You wanna know why?

Ted

Actually, I said "bye," not "why."

Linda

Ok, I'll tell you why. Because you're selfish. Everything is about your career, your job, your... hair! Then, after you neglect me, you realise how spectacular I am and you try to make it with gifts. Oh, the gifts!

Ted

I sound like a monster...

Linda

The jewelery, flowers, clothes, cattle. Cattle? Yes, cattle! What were you thinking?

Ted

Uh, they looked smaller in the catalog?

Linda

Well, they were huge. And you and I are through!