Better Off Ted · Season 1
I have my own little way of acting out.
Really?
Yeah.
What is it?
No, you're going to think it's strange.
Oh, come on. I told you my thing.
All right. Uh, twice a week after work, I put on a totally realistic bear costume and hang out in the park.
You what now?
Yeah, it makes me feel powerful. Mighty. I don't scare anyone. I sit around in the bushes, root around for berries. Once I pushed on a camper. You know, bear kind of stuff.
I may have a whole new career entertaining children instead of working for a place that uses them to assemble munitions.
Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone?
Veridian Dynamics. Our team. Over 100,000 strong. And we love all of them. Unless they cross us. Then we'll hunt them down and hurt them. Because that's love, too. Veridian Dynamics. Don't cross us. Ever. Seriously. Just don't.
The potential for a long-lasting light bulb is enormous. In a recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third, right after hitting things and trying to have sex with things.
I know what you're going through. When my little sister came along, I was very jealous. That feeling never went away—even when she was older and I put testosterone in her orange juice, so she became hairy and unlovable and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.
Oh, my God!
I was not a perfect child, Ted. My parents only had so much love, and I got it, and Monkey Girl didn't. Anyway, don't be like that.
I know I've been distracted lately, but I'll be fine. I'm just living an exciting and full life, burning the candle at both ends. The way my great-grandfather, a misunderstood candlemaker, insisted candles should be burned.
God, you people are paranoid. No wonder the company has to secretly manipulate you.
"We are not sleazy. Our department is more like a hard-working squirrel, stuffing its nuts in... wait. We're more like a hard-working beaver... ah, I'm not going to land this metaphor."
"This must be how Dr. Frankenstein felt. And that creepy scientist on the fourth floor who tried to build a wife out of mannequin parts and chicken skin."
"Yeah. It was awkward at the Christmas party when we had to pretend she didn't smell like chicken."
"Don't fight it?"
"You'd be surprised how easily that phrase just slides right outta you."
"Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome."
"Veronica, I work full-time and I have an 8-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a one-some. This is crazy."
"I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles."
"I don't want a sex disease especially one that's assigned to me by my supervisor."
"Plus several of the executives have their own grope-y, squeezy, unzippy problems and now their jobs are safe too."
I heard about Jenkins' death. The company feels terrible about it.
People are working too hard, Veronica. We need to slow down.
Legal's position's is, we don't know if hard work killed Jenkins. Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol. They're also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition, and that he may not have been alive when we hired him. Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.
Sorry, Ted. The company feels that if we ease up because someone dies, it will only encourage other people to die.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Better Off Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
