Ted Crisp quotes from Better Off Ted

Ted

Never give up. That’s what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can’t, because that would be giving up.

Ted

The company has a problem. A recent survey showed the morale has dropped from low, which they were okay with, to I’d like to burn this place down…which, frankly, I’m surprised was one of the options.

Ted

The company does all sorts of crazy things, that doesn’t mean we have to be crazy too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go seduce a 55 year old man.

Ted

The potential for a long-lasting light bulb is enormous. In a recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third, right after hitting things and trying to have sex with things.

Ted

"We are not sleazy. Our department is more like a hard-working squirrel, stuffing its nuts in... wait. We're more like a hard-working beaver... ah, I'm not going to land this metaphor."

Ted

I Convinced Lonny, the odd guy who works in the oddly cold computer room, to keep the cadaver for a while. Might be a little creepy at first, but the cadaver'll get used to him.

Veronica

We want to weaponize a pumpkin.

Ted

Then so do I. ...Because?

Veronica

There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them... as well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.

Ted

Well, finally, the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.

Veronica

Pie.

Ted

...Halloween and pie.

Veronica

Ted. The drones working on the spy drone came up with this cheap fabric. Find another use for it.

Ted

Hmm, it's good texture... coloration... maybe a breakfast meat.

Veronica

Are you serious? We want to be in that business.

Ted

No. You.. you have to lighten up.

Veronica

Maybe I'm too funny. Maybe I was joking about not getting your joke.

Ted

Uhm....

Linda

People are squirming. The fabric's not comfortable.

Ted

Squirming? Or are they just enjoying it so much they want their whole body to rub against it?

Phil

Ted, there’s been a spill—oh, hi Veronica. It’s nothing.

Veronica

Hi Phil. Actually, you’re the reason I’m here.

Phil

Oh, really?

Veronica

Yes, you can go now.

Phil

But, I—

Veronica

I’m here to talk about you, not to you.

Phil

I’m sorry.

Veronica

We want to freeze Phil.

Ted

Excuse me?

Veronica

Phil. The company wants to cryonically freeze him. Just for a year to see if it’s possible. We think it is.

Ted

You think it’s possible?

Veronica

Yes, Mr. Negative. We do. We’ve developed a chemical which allows us to rapidly freeze live animal tissue without it exploding and, fingers crossed, we’re ready for human testing.

Ted

Your presentation sucks.

Linda

[speaking on the phone] No, the zebra and the toaster are friends. So-

Ted

Ahem.

Linda

I have to go. No, that doesn't make the toaster mean. He's not a sociopath, he just doesn't want to make toast anymore. [hangs up the phone and turns to Ted] Hi...that a new... shirt?

Ted

Oh, that's cool. Let's pretend that phone call wasn't odd.

Veronica

Why is there never any creamer?

Ted

Ants. No, ghosts. No, I don’t know.

It tastes familiar…

Ted

Beef?

No…

Linda

Chicken? We’ll take chicken.

[Shakes head.]

Ted

What does it taste like?

Despair.

Ted

Is it possible it just needs salt?

Ted

We may have created a monster in the lab.

Veronica

It's not a monster. It's a cyborg that can kill without remorse.

Ted

I was talking about Phil. What are you talking about?

Veronica

[pause] I was also talking about Phil. [Ted gives her a look] It's classified. But it's gonna be a fantastic new tool, if we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children.

Ted

I can't go now, I have to watch Rose.

Veronica

I can wash Rose.

Ted

...I said "watch" her, not "wash" her.

Veronica

Hm, even easier.

Ted

The fact that you thought I was going to go wash Rose right now makes me think you might not know all that much about children.

Veronica

I know they need to be cleaned.