Lem Hewitt quotes from Better Off Ted

Lem

I am really angry about this. Or just angry. You know, whatever feels right to you.

Lem

It can find the subject in a crowded stadium, in the background of home movies, security cameras, webcams. It's like having eyes everywhere, but not in a bad way, like that time we spilled that container full of eyes.

Lem

We can't leave work in the middle of the day. We're not Somali pirates.

Lem

I'm so angry about the toilet paper. Why couldn't they leave it next to the toilet? That proximity was so elegant.

Phil

They think that if it's harder to reach, that we'll use less of it.

Lem

They've destroyed going to the bathroom for me. It used to be just a weird human function. Now it's actively stressful.

Phil

Ok, look, just take the roll off of the dispenser, and bring it with you, before you sit. That's what I do.

Lem

Wha... That's not normal, Phil!

Phil

It becomes normal if you keep doing it. Everything does.

Lem

He's a better man than you.

Phil

Agreed.

Phil

Did you put hydrochloric acid in this mug?

Lem

Oh yeah, I was trying to get the stains out.

Phil

You know soap would work. And it wouldn’t kill someone if they accidentally drank it.

Lem

But soap leaves a film.

Phil

This is ridiculous, you have to talk to Veronica.

Lem

I’m going to.

Phil

No I mean you really have to.

Lem

I’m going to.

Phil

No, you won’t.

Lem

Yes, I might.

Phil

You have to stand up for yourself this time. This isn’t just delicious flavored coffee. It is your dignity we are talking about.

Lem

I have my dignity. Now will you please take me to the bathroom…All right I see your point.

This tastes salty.

Lem

Well that’s because it’s salt you huge idiot.

[doesn’t hear because he's wearing headphones] What is it?

Lem

Salt. Salt. Salt!!

Phil

Linda, you can't hurt a baby.

Lem

Well, you can hurt them. They're not indestructible.

Phil

I meant it's morally indefensible.

Lem

Well, what if the baby killed a man?

Phil

You and your moral puzzles. I just love 'em.

Maybe he’s dead.

Linda

He’s not dead Patricia. You think everyone’s dead.

People die Linda. Ask my dead neighbor.

Phil

He could be at the vending machine. Perhaps that new yogurt caught his eye.

Lem

he doesn’t eat yogurt. He’s Ted. He’s more likely out hitting a homerun or foiling a robbery or—

Stop it! We’re scientists, not people who can examine every variable of a phenomenon to determine an accurate understanding of a specific event. Ted’s late. We can’t know why any more than we can unravel the secrets of the universe.

Lem

See how order breaks down without Ted?

Phil

If only Ted were here he could tell us what to do without him.

Lem

I’m sorry but when I hear an undeserved compliment, it makes my ears want to throw up.

Phil

Oh, your ears are always throwing up about something.

Phil

Why don't you go talk to her?

Lem

Talk to her? Would you talk to a rainbow or a sunset?

Phil

If I wanted to get it on with refracted light, I would.

Lem

If only I was a worm. I could cut myself in two and date my lower half.

Phil

We all wish we were worms, Lem, but that's never going to happen.

Phil

"This must be how Dr. Frankenstein felt. And that creepy scientist on the fourth floor who tried to build a wife out of mannequin parts and chicken skin."

Lem

"Yeah. It was awkward at the Christmas party when we had to pretend she didn't smell like chicken."

Phil

Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I've devised a formula.

Lem

Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn't she, Phil?

Phil

If she ever took physical form, I'd leave my wife and marry her.

Lem

Stand in line, my friend.

Phil

Anyway, it's really quite simple. You take a person's most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia—male, female, or animal—and end with the suffix "-bag," "-wipe", or "-muncher."

Lem

You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.

Lem

Our self respect demands a harsh response.

Phil

We're thinking about bringing her a coffee and a bagel every morning. Then, when she's grown accustomed to it, we'll inexplicably stop it.

Ted

Guys, why don't you just talk to Linda? Tell her your feelings are hurt and ... Wait a second, you guys stopped bringing me a bagel and coffee two weeks ago!

Phil

You know what you did.