I'm a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.
Huh. Last week a story like that would've surprised me. So who'd you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Why don't you go talk to her?
Talk to her? Would you talk to a rainbow or a sunset?
If I wanted to get it on with refracted light, I would.
If only I was a worm. I could cut myself in two and date my lower half.
We all wish we were worms, Lem, but that's never going to happen.
Are you staring at my butt?
Hm? No. Your butt is in my staring place, so technically, it's staring at me.
Sorry, it's from a small town. It's never seen a big business man like you before.
Well, tell it to act more professionally. It's making a spectacle of itself.
[To her fish] "Mama". Say, "Mama."
You know, that fish probably has better things to do. Like protect his treasure from that diver. [Referring to the toys in the fishbowl.]
Okay, first of all, that fish has a name. It's MacGyver. That's right. MacGyver and The Diver. Second of all, they're gay-married. And don't you dare judge-
You do realize that your report on the hyper-sonic sound project is due tomorrow?
Whoa, look who's all: "get to work". MacGyver, why do you think Ted's like that? Who do you think he didn't get enough love from? That's right! His Mama!
[Low voice, musically] Are you ready? [High voice, musically] Yes, I'm ready. [Low voice, musically] Are you ready? [High voice, musically] Yes, I'm ready -
[Low voice, musically] Is your report ready?
[High voice, musically] No, it's not ready.
[Low voice, musically] You should have your fish do it.
[High voice, musically] He can only write, "Mama".
So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.
But we didn't know it could happen.
Good. That sounds very truthful.
Because we didn't know.
That one wasn't as good.
But we didn't.
There you go. That's the one.
Veronica!
I'd leave my name out of it.
IInterviewer
Were you involved in the development of this product?
Yes.
IInterviewer
And how would you summarize the company's reaction when they found out that the women who used this product were savagely attacked by insects?
Ouch.
IInterviewer
Will you elaborate on that please?
No.
IInterviewer
Can you describe your job?
Yes.
IInterviewer
[Pause] How would you describe your job?
Cleverly.
Veronica, quick question.
What is it with everyone and their questions this morning? "Where'd you learn to drive?", "Will you marry me?", "Why would you say that to my baby?"
So obviously that whale thing is a winner, or you wouldn't be telling me it's a loser.
EPElijah Palmer
Unless it's really a loser, and I'm pretending it's a loser to make you think it's a winner.
Or I'm pretending to think it's a winner, when I actually know it's a loser because you said it's a loser to make me think it's a winner.
EPElijah Palmer
And so... the student becomes the master.
Or the student has always been the master, and just wanted the master to think the master was the master when he was actually just the student.
EPElijah Palmer
These conversations are why your mother left us.
That, and the fact you porked your way through my sorority.
Veridian Dynamics. The environment—everyone likes it. And so, we do too. That’s why we’re committed to saving it. Veridian Dynamics is turning every one of our buildings 100% green. It’s ridiculously expensive and spending money makes us sad. But we’re doing it because we love nature, even when it’s being mean or just acting stupid. Veridian Dynamics. Greening our world.
There is no program to green the building.
Yeah there is. They made a commercial about it.
I didn't say there wasn't a commercial about greening the building. I said there is no program to green the building.
So it's all a lie?
They prefer to look at it as a dream.
But one they're not working towards.
Are you working toward all your dreams, Ted? Then stop pointing fingers.
This is going great!
Think how great it would be if we'd come up with a product.
Products are for people who don't have presentations.
It can find the subject in a crowded stadium, in the background of home movies, security cameras, webcams. It's like having eyes everywhere, but not in a bad way, like that time we spilled that container full of eyes.
I'm thinking confidence may be one of those things people can't tell if you really have, or are just pretending to have, like the female orgasm.
So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed someone tall enough to change that light bulb in the lobby?
Why do you think there's always some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did the corporation once touch you in a place that made you uncomfortable?
When they rolled back my pension, I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
Okay, fine, this whole thing is about money. Happy now, Mr. Cynical?
Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Better Off Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.