Better Off Ted Season 1 quotes

Linda

You love rules. You should marry a rule. And have little rule children. And build a house made of rules.

Ted

You mean a house made of my own children.

Linda

That’s between you and your conscience.

All right, let’s call up your file and see what the problem is Mr. Chips.

Ted

Ahhh, its Crisp. Ted Crisp.

No, it says Chips, Ted Chips.

Ted

I know, but that’s not my name.

Don’t take this wrong, but are you sure? Because it is very unlikely the system would make a mistake like that.

The system just deleted you.

Ted

What do you mean deleted me, can you relete me?

Maybe he’s dead.

Linda

He’s not dead Patricia. You think everyone’s dead.

People die Linda. Ask my dead neighbor.

Phil

He could be at the vending machine. Perhaps that new yogurt caught his eye.

Lem

he doesn’t eat yogurt. He’s Ted. He’s more likely out hitting a homerun or foiling a robbery or—

Stop it! We’re scientists, not people who can examine every variable of a phenomenon to determine an accurate understanding of a specific event. Ted’s late. We can’t know why any more than we can unravel the secrets of the universe.

Lem

See how order breaks down without Ted?

Phil

If only Ted were here he could tell us what to do without him.

Veronica

If you have any problems, any at all, you come see me…Although, that would be a huge admission of failure on your part.

Linda

How do you manage all those scientists with their egos and bickering and full frontal nerdity?

Linda

I can't believe company is treating you like this. Doesn't it make you wanna scream or put your fist through a wall... or rub your junk on the C.E.O.'s chair?

Ted

Yes... Yes... and I only use my junk for good, not for evil. With great junk, comes great responsibility.

Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork: it's a beautiful thing. In business, it means working together for a common goal. X-rays show that when people work together, they're happier and less likely to do something weird. Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork. It keeps our employees gruntled.

Ted

The company has a problem. A recent survey showed the morale has dropped from low, which they were okay with, to I’d like to burn this place down…which, frankly, I’m surprised was one of the options.

And 63% found you too intimidating.

Veronica

Is there such a thing as too intimidating? Is there? Answer me you little bean counter.

Veronica

Nice sweater Lily. I support your decision to wear it. Hi balding guy, I love what you’ve done with the hair you have left. Hello mob, you look confused.

Ted

The company does all sorts of crazy things, that doesn’t mean we have to be crazy too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go seduce a 55 year old man.

Linda

I just made three new friends. Maybe I was wrong about the cubicle themes. For the first time since I've been here, I actually feel like I'm part of something.

Ted

Glad to hear it. I have to go to a strip club tomorrow with a bunch of old men.

Linda

Wow. What theme did the company give you?

Lem

I’m sorry but when I hear an undeserved compliment, it makes my ears want to throw up.

Phil

Oh, your ears are always throwing up about something.

Bosses. Everybody has one. Without bosses, we’d be like these worms. Disgusting. Bosses make everything better. So listen to your boss. And don’t question them. Otherwise you’re no better than a worm. Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Necessary.