Ted Crisp quotes from Better Off Ted

Ted

So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed someone tall enough to change that light bulb in the lobby?

Veronica

Why do you think there's always some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did the corporation once touch you in a place that made you uncomfortable?

Ted

When they rolled back my pension, I definitely felt it between the cheeks.

Veronica

Okay, fine, this whole thing is about money. Happy now, Mr. Cynical?

Ted

Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.

Linda

I may have a whole new career entertaining children instead of working for a place that uses them to assemble munitions.

Ted

Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone?

Veronica

I know what you're going through. When my little sister came along, I was very jealous. That feeling never went away—even when she was older and I put testosterone in her orange juice, so she became hairy and unlovable and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.

Ted

Oh, my God!

Veronica

I was not a perfect child, Ted. My parents only had so much love, and I got it, and Monkey Girl didn't. Anyway, don't be like that.

Veronica

"Don't fight it?"

Ted

"You'd be surprised how easily that phrase just slides right outta you."

Veronica

"Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome."

Ted

"Veronica, I work full-time and I have an 8-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a one-some. This is crazy."

Veronica

I heard about Jenkins' death. The company feels terrible about it.

Ted

People are working too hard, Veronica. We need to slow down.

Veronica

Legal's position's is, we don't know if hard work killed Jenkins. Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol. They're also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition, and that he may not have been alive when we hired him. Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.

Veronica

We're here to talk about Carl Jenkins.

Ted

Gordon.

Veronica

We're here to talk about Carl Gordon.

Ted

Jenkins.

Veronica

Carl Gordan Jenkins.

Ted

Gordon Jenkins.

Veronica

Carl Gordon Jenkins Gordon Jenkins. Are you sure that's right?

Ted

That's fine.

The company doesn't make mistakes.

Ted

What about that memo announcing "Casual Fribsday"?

The company said that wasn't a mistake. They explained that the ancient Mayans prophesied Fribsday, the first ever eighth day of the week which will occur in 2024. Which the company believes should be celebrated casually. I'm going to wear a denim pantsuit.

Ted

And when they urged all employees to "carpoop"?

That wasn't mandatory. Thank God.

Ted

Although we did find out what people would do to park slightly closer to the building.

Ted

The Germans are worried about working with us because ironically, they think that Veridian is ruthlessly efficient and bent on world domination.

Phil

Wow. That's like when those Irish auditors thought our accounting department drank too much and wrote overly depressing poetry.

Veronica

It's not fair, all you people with your kids...Pal-ing around after hours, networking, advancing your careers. And I get left behind just because I don't want to turn my uterus in to a human veal farm.

Ted

Well, some call it the miracle of life, but okay....

Look at that...I've never seen Olivia so crazy for anyone as she is for your daughter. Kids...There's just no rhyme or reason to some of the ridiculous things they get attached to.

Ted

Yeah...Wait, what?

Ted

[voiceover] How do you convince an eight-year old girl to go to a party she doesn't want to go to? I have no idea. So, I thought I'd ask someone who used to be an eight-year old girl.

Linda

Get her a beautiful, sparkly, pink party dress and a princess tiara. If she doesn't want it, I've got an event coming up I'd wear it to.

Ted

Actually, getting Rose a dress is a great idea. Thanks, Linda! You really are a girl!

Linda

Yes, I am. And it's not just the genitals. It's a whole lifestyle.

Lem

Our self respect demands a harsh response.

Phil

We're thinking about bringing her a coffee and a bagel every morning. Then, when she's grown accustomed to it, we'll inexplicably stop it.

Ted

Guys, why don't you just talk to Linda? Tell her your feelings are hurt and ... Wait a second, you guys stopped bringing me a bagel and coffee two weeks ago!

Phil

You know what you did.

Veronica

Working on Galaxy Omega would be so exciting—being able to communicate with animals. I've always wanted to tell a giraffe how stupid it looks.

I've always wanted to ask a baboon why they're called baboons; it's such a ridiculous name. Baboon!

Ted

There may be other applications, beyond insulting animals. Like, learning about the environment.

Veronica

Ugh, don't we have enough humans complaining about that? Now I've got to listen to some hippie bear whining that I'm eating all his salmon!

Ted

[whispering] We'll spread a rumour that we broke up. Then, when our pretend relationship's over, we can go back to being friends again

Linda

[whispering] That's a great idea! In fact, it's such a great idea, why wait for a rumour to spread? [loudly] You no good louse!

Ted

Oh dear.

Linda

That's right, Crisp. I'm breaking up with you, right here and right now.

Ted

Oh, then it's over. Bye. [Tries to leave]

Linda

You wanna know why?

Ted

Actually, I said "bye," not "why."

Linda

Ok, I'll tell you why. Because you're selfish. Everything is about your career, your job, your... hair! Then, after you neglect me, you realise how spectacular I am and you try to make it with gifts. Oh, the gifts!

Ted

I sound like a monster...

Linda

The jewelery, flowers, clothes, cattle. Cattle? Yes, cattle! What were you thinking?

Ted

Uh, they looked smaller in the catalog?

Linda

Well, they were huge. And you and I are through!