Ted Crisp quotes from Better Off Ted

Ted

The system doesn't see black people?

Veronica

I know. Weird, huh?

Ted

That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well... racist.

Veronica

The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist, because it's not targeting black people. It's just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent."

Ted

Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please... at least say they know that.

Veronica

Of course they do, and they're working on it. In the meantime they'd like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.

Everyone at school hates me because I’m beating the disabled girl.

Ted

But everybody’s equal. We don’t see disabled people. Well we see them we just don’t care. Well we care we just don’t treat them differently. Although they do have their own parking.

Linda

You love rules. You should marry a rule. And have little rule children. And build a house made of rules.

Ted

You mean a house made of my own children.

Linda

That’s between you and your conscience.

All right, let’s call up your file and see what the problem is Mr. Chips.

Ted

Ahhh, its Crisp. Ted Crisp.

No, it says Chips, Ted Chips.

Ted

I know, but that’s not my name.

Don’t take this wrong, but are you sure? Because it is very unlikely the system would make a mistake like that.

The system just deleted you.

Ted

What do you mean deleted me, can you relete me?

Linda

I can't believe company is treating you like this. Doesn't it make you wanna scream or put your fist through a wall... or rub your junk on the C.E.O.'s chair?

Ted

Yes... Yes... and I only use my junk for good, not for evil. With great junk, comes great responsibility.

Linda

I just made three new friends. Maybe I was wrong about the cubicle themes. For the first time since I've been here, I actually feel like I'm part of something.

Ted

Glad to hear it. I have to go to a strip club tomorrow with a bunch of old men.

Linda

Wow. What theme did the company give you?

Ted

I'm a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.

Linda

Huh. Last week a story like that would've surprised me. So who'd you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle.

Linda

Are you staring at my butt?

Ted

Hm? No. Your butt is in my staring place, so technically, it's staring at me.

Linda

Sorry, it's from a small town. It's never seen a big business man like you before.

Ted

Well, tell it to act more professionally. It's making a spectacle of itself.

Linda

[To her fish] "Mama". Say, "Mama."

Ted

You know, that fish probably has better things to do. Like protect his treasure from that diver. [Referring to the toys in the fishbowl.]

Linda

Okay, first of all, that fish has a name. It's MacGyver. That's right. MacGyver and The Diver. Second of all, they're gay-married. And don't you dare judge-

Ted

You do realize that your report on the hyper-sonic sound project is due tomorrow?

Linda

Whoa, look who's all: "get to work". MacGyver, why do you think Ted's like that? Who do you think he didn't get enough love from? That's right! His Mama!

Linda

[Low voice, musically] Are you ready? [High voice, musically] Yes, I'm ready. [Low voice, musically] Are you ready? [High voice, musically] Yes, I'm ready -

Ted

[Low voice, musically] Is your report ready?

Linda

[High voice, musically] No, it's not ready.

Ted

[Low voice, musically] You should have your fish do it.

Linda

[High voice, musically] He can only write, "Mama".

Veronica

So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.

Ted

But we didn't know it could happen.

Veronica

Good. That sounds very truthful.

Ted

Because we didn't know.

Veronica

That one wasn't as good.

Ted

But we didn't.

Veronica

There you go. That's the one.

Ted

Veronica!

Veronica

I'd leave my name out of it.

Ted

Veronica, quick question.

Veronica

What is it with everyone and their questions this morning? "Where'd you learn to drive?", "Will you marry me?", "Why would you say that to my baby?"

Veronica

There is no program to green the building.

Ted

Yeah there is. They made a commercial about it.

Veronica

I didn't say there wasn't a commercial about greening the building. I said there is no program to green the building.

Ted

So it's all a lie?

Veronica

They prefer to look at it as a dream.

Ted

But one they're not working towards.

Veronica

Are you working toward all your dreams, Ted? Then stop pointing fingers.

Veronica

This is going great!

Ted

Think how great it would be if we'd come up with a product.

Veronica

Products are for people who don't have presentations.