Saul Goodman quotes from Better Call Saul

Saul

Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado! Aw, crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh, why–?! Wha–Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? Anywhere but the desert! Oh—Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick...

Saul

Alright, fellas... This—We can–we can fix this! Whatever the problemo, we can fix it with dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero! C'mon, please, one of you just, just–You talk, habla! C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh?

Saul

C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez...

Saul

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!

Oh, to be nineteen again! You with me, ladies and gentlemen? Do you remember nineteen? Let me tell you, the juices are flowing. The red corpuscles are corpuscling, the grass is green, and it's soft, and summer's gonna last forever. [chuckles; inhales sharply] Now, do you remember? Yeah, you do. [clears throat] But if you're being honest...I mean, well, really honest, you'll recall that you also had an underdeveloped nineteen-year-old brain. Me, personally, I...it...If I were held accountable for some of the stupid decisions I made when I was nineteen... [chuckling] Oh, boy, wow. And I bet if we were in church right now, I'd get a big "amen!" Which brings us to these three...Now, these three knuckleheads. And I'm sorry, boys, but that's what you are. They did a dumb thing. We're not denying that. However, I would like you to remember two salient facts. Fact one: Nobody got hurt, not a soul. Very important to keep that in mind. Fact two: Now, the prosecution keeps bandying this term "criminal trespass." Mr. Spinowzo, the property owner, admitted to us that he keeps most portions of his business open to the public both day and night. So, trespassing? That's a bit of a reach, don't you think, Dave? Here's what I know: These three young men, near honors students all, were feeling their oats one Saturday night, and they just went a little bananas. [chuckles] I don't know. Call me crazy, but I don't think they deserve to have their bright futures ruined by a momentary, minute, never-to-be-repeated lapse of judgment. Ladies and gentlemen, you're bigger than that.

Goodman

He’s no longer in a coma, but he’s unresponsive. His condition is stable, they’re managing his blood pressure, but whether he will wake up and understand what’s going on around him... there’s no way of knowing.

Gus

That’s unacceptable.

Goodman

Gustavo, he’s getting very good care here. There’s very little even the best hospitals could do. Now, might it be different if he was in the care of someplace like... Johns Hopkins? Perhaps. Or, it could make no difference at all. But in the end... in the end, I can think of no better judgment on this man. [Gus turns to glare at him] Isn’t this what he deserves?

Gus

I decide what he deserves. No one else.

Saul

[to Francesca] Do me a favor. [points at trash bags full of shredded documents] Take those with you, drop them off at least five miles from here in separate dumpsters! [Francesca stares at him] Oh, right. Um... [unzips suitcase and gives Francesca a rolled-up wad of cash; Francesca continues staring] Fine. [reaches into suitcase again and gives her more cash] Okay, when the cops come talk to you–and they will–what are you gonna tell them?

Francesca

"Talk to my attorney."

Saul

Yeah. [hands Francesca a business card] Tell them Jimmy sent you. Okay, and where are you gonna be November 12th at 3:00 p.m.?

Francesca

I'll be there, but if it doesn't ring at 3:00 on the dot, I'm gone.

Saul

Don't worry, it's gonna ring. Well, I guess... that's it. Quite a ride, huh?

Francesca

[scoffs] Yep.

Saul

I need a new dust filter for my Hoover Max Extract Pressure Pro, model 60. Can you help me with that? Pickup... How hot? Red hot. [pause] I know where that is. I'll be there. [hangs up and breaks apart the phone]

Saul

I need an adapter for a Hoover Max Extract Pressure Pro, model 60.

Huh. [pause] We've delivered to you before, haven't we?

Saul

Yeah. I'm in Omaha, Nebraska.

Mr. Takavic... that will be a very difficult part to obtain. And I wanna warn you, it's gonna be more expensive than the original.

Saul

How expensive?

Double the price. And we are still in a cash on delivery situation. Will that be a problem?

Saul

No. No, it's fine.

How hot are you?

Saul

I got made.

You got made. Alright. Any official involved?

Saul

No, not yet.

Pickup is going to be in the same place you were dropped off. Do you remember where that is?

Saul

Yeah, I do.

Alright, Mr. Takavic. Thursday... 7 A.M. Same spot. You know the rest, am I right? [beat] Mr. Takavic? Still there?

Saul

[pause] I've changed my mind.

Changed your mind?

Saul

Yeah.

To be clear, you are not going forward with this?

Saul

I'm gonna fix it myself. [hangs up phone]

Jeff

Dude, what the fuck?!

Saul

I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.

Jeff

I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's "Bye-bye, Saul Goodman."

Saul

Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money–blackmail–that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want.

Jeff

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Saul

You want in the game.

Jeff

The game? What—what game?

Saul

The game. The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.

Jeff

Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?

Saul

The game. It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. [pause] Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning big. But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's–it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.

Jeff

[beat] You?

Saul

Saul Goodman. [pause] So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done.

Saul

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!

Jeff

What?!

Saul

That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.

Jeff

Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?

Saul

I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!

Jeff

Yeah, but why three minutes?

Saul

Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.

Jeff

Wait, there's cameras?

Saul

Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra-cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.

Saul

How many of each?

Jeff

Three.

Saul

Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!

Jeff

I don't know...

Saul

What don't you know?

Jeff

Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!

Saul

Is this too hot for you?! Ju–You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. "Crazy?" I'll tell you what's crazy! Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen. That's crazy.

Buddy

I'll do it.

Jeff

This sounds good to you?

Buddy

I think it'll work.

Saul

Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?

Jeff

Okay, I–I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... logistics.

Saul

Are you in or out?

Jeff

In.

Saul

[sighs] Okay, back to one. [speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up] Check, test, one-two, one-two. Okay! And ready, set, action!

Saul

Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Saul

How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?

Be still my heart. [laughs]

Saul

Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once.

Wow, you have got quite the memory.

Saul

...Yeah, well–I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... [whistles] Clean slate.

Tell me about it! [Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds] Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. [eats another bite] Mmm!

You okay?

Saul

[coughs] Wrong pipe.

Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?

Saul

[pause] Big Ten?

Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! [Saul looks nervously at the cameras] I... I don't know. Guess I like tradition. [chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite] So good. Just amazing. Wow.

Saul

God, what am I doing?

What?

Saul

[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras] Look at me! Wha–I don't know what... [sobs] Oh, Jesus!

Gene?

Saul

Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?

Yeah.

Saul

Yeah?

Yeah.

Saul

She's waiting for you? [Frank nods] Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. My brother... [beat; looks down] My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?

Gene, buddy... I–I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of–lots of people. [turns his head around again]

Saul

[slams fist on table] If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. Less than a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean nothing. I mean, Frank... What's the point, Frank? What's the...

Saul

[sighs] I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.

No, no, no. That's–That's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.

Saul

You've felt like this?

...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

Saul

You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.

Jeff

Yeah, we know.

Saul

Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.

Jeff

You told us to rent the truck over there, so—

Saul

[motions for Jeff to stop talking] Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—

Buddy

Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.

Saul

Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.

Jeff

Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.

Saul

I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, don't. Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street.

Jeff

Dude.

Saul

Now, I need you to say it. We're done.

Jeff

[pause; laughs] Come on!

Saul

Say it. We're done. Say it.

Jeff

[beat; looks at Buddy briefly] We're done.

Buddy

[pause] We're–We're done.

Saul

Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world!

Saul

Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time.

Mike

When you're done.

Saul

No, I can multitask. Please.

Mike

I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever that is.

Saul

You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter.

Mike

Ah-hah. Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull.

Saul

[sighs; turns off Swing Master] Fine. [gets up off the floor] You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. Ha! I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. [puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk] Let's go. Lay it on me.

Mike

Alright. First, there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright.

Saul

[whistles] Limber! Ha-ha! Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. [Mike stares silently at Saul, stone-faced] What else you got?

Mike

Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck.

Saul

Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming.

Mike

Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a talent who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on.

Saul

Second-story guy, second-story guy... I–I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... [inhales] What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella?

Mike

High school chemistry teacher.

Saul

You're shittin' me, really?

Mike

Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman.

Saul

Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher?

Mike

He has lung cancer.

Saul

Jesus. That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad?

Mike

Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur.

Saul

Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded.

Mike

Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it'll be the cops or a bullet to the head.

Saul

Is that your appraisal, or is that what He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named says about him?

Mike

He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes.

Saul

Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just–I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management–

Mike

You know, years ago I bought a Betamax. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money.

Saul

Hm?

Mike

[sternly] Let it go.

Saul

[sighs] ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices.

Saul

You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me!

Buddy

I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it.

Saul

Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?!

Buddy

The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer.

Saul

So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? [scoffs] Believe me! I speak from experience!

Buddy

I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry.

Saul

Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! Every single one of them! Besides, it'll be months before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job!

Buddy

[beat] No, man. I can't do that! I can't!

Saul

Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. [softly] Go.

Buddy

Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go!

Saul

Not your call.

Buddy

[sighs] Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! [Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car] Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here!

Jeff

Oh, well, I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda.

Saul

You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go!

Buddy

[hands Saul his camera] Fine.

Saul

GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth shut.

Saul

[to Jeff] If we're gonna do this, we should leave now.

Jeff

...We're really gonna go back there?

Saul

What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?!

Hello? [pause] Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? [beat; picks up her phone and sits down] Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave.

Saul

Marion... [chuckles] It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody.

Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus!

Saul

Marion—

The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me!

Saul

Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split.

I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one!

Saul

Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that.

No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No.

Saul

Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. [beat; Marion starts growing suspicious] Marion, you still there?

Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me?

Saul

Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. [brief pause] I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away.

What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble?

Saul

I don't think so. Why would he be? Heh. I'll see you in about an hour.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks.

Saul

What's that?

...You tell me.

Saul

Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not.

There never was a Nippy, was there?

Saul

What did Jeff tell you?

Oh, he didn't tell me anything. AskJeeves told me. I typed in "conman" and "Albuquerque". And up you popped, big as day. [reaches for her phone]

Saul

What are you doing, Marion?

What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police.

Saul

Here. Let me help you with that. [rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner] Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here.

What'd you get my son into?!

Saul

Nothing that he didn't ask for. [shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists] Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright?

Saul

What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... [takes it out of her grasp]

I trusted you.

Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay?

No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman!

Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now.

William Oakley & Associates. "Trust experience, trust Oakley." Bill Oakley speaking.

Saul

"Trust experience, trust Oakley." I like that. It's catchy. You know who this is, right?

[pause] Saul?

Saul

You got it, buddy.

[stuttering] Wh–Wh–What are you, uh... What–What are you–Uh, what are you doing? You know I'm gonna have to report this call.

Saul

Whoa! Calm down, Junior. The cops know all about the call. They're probably listening in. The fact is, I'm standing in the middle of a police station as we speak.

So they finally caught you.

Saul

Listen, this is your lucky day. I am talking to Saul Goodman's new advisory counsel.

What?

Saul

Keep up, Bill. You hit the jackpot.

Advisory counsel?

Saul

This puts you on the map, amigo. Here's what you're gonna do: You're gonna grab a flight to Omaha, Nebraska, ASAP. There's nothing direct, so you're gonna have to connect through Houston.

What?! Who's paying for this?

Saul

Listen, you hear that?

Hear what?

Saul

Bang, bang! That's opportunity knocking. Get off your ass and answer the door. Okay, on your way to the airport, I need you to make some calls—

Wait, wait, hold on! Even supposing, hypothetically, I'd be willing to take this on—

Saul

"Willing"?! Bill, this is a career-maker! Get real, you're doing this!

The DA has a warehouse of evidence against you. I can't even begin to imagine what the Feds are sitting on! No matter who your lawyer is, you are screwed. So I've gotta ask... Where do you see this ending?

Saul

[brief pause] Where do I see it ending? Um... With me on top. Like always.

They tell me they found you in a garbage dumpster. [pause] Well, that makes sense. My husband was the best man that I have ever known. He lived to help others. If somebody was in trouble–no matter the time, no matter the place–Hank Schrader would be there... with a smile and a joke. He was kind, he was decent. He was strong. His partner... Steve Gomez. Steve... and Blanca made a home that was warm and full of laughter. Three children. Three fatherless children. Hank and Steve, the good guys, they were shot dead... and left in a hole in the desert! [points at Saul] And you–you–helped the two-faced poisonous bastard behind it all. For what? Money? You did it all... for money. No matter what they do with you now, no matter where they put you or for how long, it will never be enough.

Saul

Miss... Mrs. Schrader. [clears throat] The loss that you've suffered, it's unspeakable. [pause] I met your husband. A few times. He was a man who stood by his word, and he was very good at his job. He was a straight-shooter. You and he are... victims. And so am I.

Saul

Two years ago, a man came into my office. He said his name was Mayhew. He wanted one of my clients to lie under oath. He offered me money. I declined. Any lawyer would. That night, as I was leaving my office, I was attacked. Two men threw a sack over my head, hog-tied me, and they drove me out into the desert. And when they pulled the hood off, I was kneeling in front of an open grave. [presses finger against his right temple] With a gun pointed at my head. That was my introduction to Walter White. [pause] From that moment on... there hasn't been a minute that I wasn't afraid. Yeah, I worked for him. I made a lot of money, but that's not why I did it. I did it because I knew what he would do to me if I refused. Over and over, I thought I would go over to the police. I even thought about talking to Agent Schrader, [Marie snickers in disbelief] but I knew that Walter White would kill me wherever I was. And I was right. You look it up: October 4, 2009. They murdered ten men inside three prisons in the space of two minutes. Knifed. Throats slashed. A man was burned alive. They even killed one of my colleagues–a lawyer. He was cooperating with the DEA: Daniel Wachsberger. The news said Dan... was stabbed forty-eight times. So, yeah. When it all blew up, I ran. But not from the police. From them. Walter White might be dead, but Jesse Pinkman and the others, they're still out there somewhere. [brief pause] Mrs. Schrader, you are looking at a man who has lost everything. My profession, my family, my freedom. I have–I have nobody. I have nothing.

...And you think jurors are gonna buy that?

Saul

One. All I need is one. [pause] Oakley tells me that you've never lost a case. Is that so? Heh. That's a hell of a record. You should be proud of that. Still... juries, right? [exhales deeply] You never can tell. It's a roll of the dice. [shrugs] I just–I'm hoping there's some wiggle room.

[pause; looks menacingly at Castellano] You are not going to negotiate with this man. You're not.