Jimmy McGill quotes from Better Call Saul

Jimmy

[to the Kettlemans] Can we all three just parachute down from cloud cuckoo land?

Jimmy

This is a demand letter informing Sandpiper Crossing of pending litigation for defrauding my clients through systematic overcharging. You're shredding in there! I'm not deaf! I can hear you! Stop right now! [shredding continues] This here this makes it official, right? If you don't stop shredding right now, that's destruction of evidence! Spoliation! That's what it's called, and it's a felony! So call your lawyers right now and tell them I said that! Me! James McGill Esquire!

Jimmy

I have one question for you: Do you shit gold? It's a simple "yes" or "no." Do. You. Shit. Gold? No? Alright, then. Because unless you currently have a large gold nugget traversing your colon, this is the easiest money you're ever gonna make.

Jimmy

I was just gonna—I was gonna try to move you all with my brother's eloquent words. You know, pull on your heartstrings. But it's not right. This letter is between me and him, and it should stay that way. Listen, my brother Chuck...you—you knew him. He loved me in his own way. He loved me as a brother. He did not love me as a lawyer. Big reason I became a lawyer was Chuck. He was the most brilliant man I ever knew, and an incredible lawyer, you know? And he knew exactly who he was. Exactly. And all my life, I wanted to make him proud, and he was not an easy man to make proud. You know, like climbing Everest without supplies: If you were one of the lucky few who reached that peak, even for a moment, if you made him proud—Wow, what a feeling. And he let you know it, too. But if you weren't one of those people... He—He was polite enough, but he did not suffer fools, you know? And he could be judgmental and difficult, and he knew how to get under your skin. Hmm... could be a real son of a bitch. Chuck was the one who was always right, always. And usually he was, you know? So for a guy like me—I did lousy in school, I lacked ambition, I always cut corners—I mean, for me to live up to the standards of Charles McGill... I mean, look at me. I'll never be as moral as him, I'll never be as smart, I'll never be as respected. I'll never be as good as Chuck. [sniffs] But I can try. I can try. If you decide I get to be a lawyer, I'll do everything in my power to be worthy of the name McGill. And if you decide I'm not a lawyer... doesn't matter. I'll still try to be the best man that I can be. I'm lucky I got this letter. I never had a chance to write him a letter, and to tell him all the things that I should have. But I gotta believe that somehow... somehow he knows. Well, that's... that'll have to do it for me. Sorry... thank you.

Jimmy

What kind of asshole moves a cone?!

Oh, to be nineteen again! You with me, ladies and gentlemen? Do you remember nineteen? Let me tell you, the juices are flowing. The red corpuscles are corpuscling, the grass is green, and it's soft, and summer's gonna last forever. [chuckles; inhales sharply] Now, do you remember? Yeah, you do. [clears throat] But if you're being honest...I mean, well, really honest, you'll recall that you also had an underdeveloped nineteen-year-old brain. Me, personally, I...it...If I were held accountable for some of the stupid decisions I made when I was nineteen... [chuckling] Oh, boy, wow. And I bet if we were in church right now, I'd get a big "amen!" Which brings us to these three...Now, these three knuckleheads. And I'm sorry, boys, but that's what you are. They did a dumb thing. We're not denying that. However, I would like you to remember two salient facts. Fact one: Nobody got hurt, not a soul. Very important to keep that in mind. Fact two: Now, the prosecution keeps bandying this term "criminal trespass." Mr. Spinowzo, the property owner, admitted to us that he keeps most portions of his business open to the public both day and night. So, trespassing? That's a bit of a reach, don't you think, Dave? Here's what I know: These three young men, near honors students all, were feeling their oats one Saturday night, and they just went a little bananas. [chuckles] I don't know. Call me crazy, but I don't think they deserve to have their bright futures ruined by a momentary, minute, never-to-be-repeated lapse of judgment. Ladies and gentlemen, you're bigger than that.

Mike

[clears throat] Three dollars.

Jimmy

Uh, I’m validated, see the stickers?

Mike

Well, I see five stickers. You’re one shy. It’s three dollars.

Jimmy

[sighs] They gave me– look. [sighs again] I’m validated for the entire day, okay? Five stickers, six stickers – I don’t know from stickers, because I was in that court back there saving people’s lives, so... [Mike rolls his eyes]

Mike

Well, gee, that’s swell. And thank you for restoring my faith in the judicial system. Now you either pay the three dollars, or you go back inside and you get an additional sticker. [hands back Jimmy's parking ticket]

Jimmy

[mutters angrily] Son of a bitch. [scoffs] Fine. [takes parking ticket] You win. Hooray for you! [scoffs again; yells loudly at the driver behind him] Backing up! I have to back up! I need more stickers! Don’t have enough stickers! Thank you! Thank you, very nice!

Jimmy

Employee of the Month over here! Yeaaah! [claps his hands] Hooray! Give him a medal! [to two police officers standing at a distance] Don’t do anything, fellas. Just relax, all right?

Lars

Oh God, oh God, oh God! Oh my God, Cal! Cal! Look at me! Are you okay?! Say something! [to Jimmy] What did you do?!

Jimmy

I...

Lars

What did you do to my brother?! Why don't you look where you're going?!

Jimmy

I was making a turn, he came outta nowhere!

Lars

You freakin' hit him, man! You ran him over! You ran over my brother, [holds up video camera] I got the whole thing on video!

Cal

Listen! It was an accident. It was an accident, he... he didn't mean to. [tries to get up and yells in pain]

Lars

Is it broken? [to Jimmy] You broke his leg! Why are you driving around and not lookin', driving around breaking people's legs!

Jimmy

Okay, okay!

Lars

Somebody call the cops!

Jimmy

Don't–don't call the police! Don't call the police!

Lars

[to two gardeners in Spanish] Policia! I'll call them myself. [starts dialing his phone]

Jimmy

Don't call the police!

Lars

Don't call the cops?

Jimmy

No!

Lars

How are you gonna fix this? What are you gonna do to make things right?

Jimmy

[long pause] I don't know, fellas. What can I do to make it right?

Cal

I don't know. [pause] Five hundred dollars.

Jimmy

Five hundred bucks? [another pause; Jimmy kicks Cal in the shin]

Cal

OW! What the hell, man?!

Jimmy

Listen, Starlight Express, I’m gonna give you a 9.6 for technique, 0.0 for choice of victim! I’m a lawyer! Furthermore, [points at his car] does this steaming pile of crap scream payday to you, huh?! The only way that entire car is worth $500 is if there’s a $300 hooker sitting in it! Now, let’s talk about what you owe me for the windshield.

Jimmy

I'll take a check!

Jimmy

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Hamlin, AND I WON’T HAVE IT!

[over the speaker phone] Do you want me to call security?

Kim

It’s okay, Brenda. We got it.

Jimmy

[to the other HHM partners] Hey, Jack. Hey, Nate. Hey, Aaron.

Howard

What can we do for you, Jimmy?

Jimmy

I'm sorry. It’s... It’s this table. [walks to where Howard is sitting and shows him a ripped-up check] You can tell me what this $26,000 is supposed to be for.

Howard

That’s money for Chuck. Isn’t that what you wanted?

Jimmy

A measly 26 grand? [scoffs] Jesus, you’re like Peter Minuit with the Indians. Throw in some beads and shells while you’re at it.

Howard

It's just a start, there'll be more. [pause] Unless you’re just gonna tear them all up.

Jimmy

And why was it made out to me? Why not Chuck?

Howard

Can he make his way to the bank? [pause] I just assumed it was best to have the money go through you. We can do it any way you want.

Jimmy

This isn’t going away, Howard. What Chuck did for this firm–and damn near single-handedly, one-third of this place–belongs to him. What do you got, twelve chairs here? Four of these chairs are Chuck's. [points at table lamps] You got five of these light thingamajigs? One and two-thirds are Chuck's! Yeah, six... How many danishes, six danishes?

Howard

You can have all the danishes you want, Jimmy.

Jimmy

No, no! They’re Chuck’s danishes! And he isn’t greedy, so he’ll just take two... plus $17 million. In that ballpark. I mean, we’ll know once we get the accountants poking around here. Until then, no penny ante checks trying to make it look like Chuck still works here. He doesn’t. He never will again. It’s time to do right by him and cash him out.

Howard

So these are Chuck’s own wishes that you’re conveying?

Jimmy

This is what's best for him.

Howard

So he personally told you that it’s his wish to withdraw from the firm? [beat] See, that would surprise me.

Jimmy

It's been nearly a year since he stepped foot in here. I’m just doing what’s in his best interest.

Howard

So am I. And I, for one, believe he’s gonna lick this thing. Until then, his office is just how he left it. His secretary’s still on payroll. If Chuck can call this an extended sabbatical, then so can we. He’s that important to us.

Jimmy

You know what? Let’s let a jury figure it out. [sighs; sarcastically] They’re gonna love you, Howard. You’re so down to earth! And relatable!

Jimmy

AND YOU... WILL... ATONE! [pause; everyone stares at Jimmy] It’s Ned Beatty from Network. For Christ’s sake, guys. [walks out]

Jimmy

Let me tell you about a young guy. Actually, he's about your age. He lived a long way from here, in a town called Cicero, Illinois. And in Cicero, he was the man. I mean, when he strolled down the street, all the corner boys would give him the high five, all the finest babes would smile at him and hope that he would smile back. They called him Slippin' Jimmy, and everybody wanted to be his friend.

Lars

"Slippin' Jimmy?" What the hell kind of name is that?

Jimmy

Well, I'll tell you now. Winters in Cicero are murder. You guys grown up out here in the golden west – you don't know, okay? I'm talking cold that'll freeze the snot right in your nose. I'm talking wind that'll cut through your jacket and carve you up like a Ginsu knife. In fact, most folks in Cicero were scared of winter. But not Jimmy. Jimmy waited around all summer. And when September finally rolled around, he'd feel that first cold wind come sweeping off Lake Michigan. He knew it was coming. Was it Christmas? Was it Kwanzaa? Better. It was slip-and-fall season. Soon as it was cold enough, he'd find a nice smooth patch of ice. State Street was good, Michigan Avenue was better. He'd pick a spot, wait for it to get busy, and he'd walk out on the ice and boom! He would diff it so hard, people would come running from five blocks away.

Cal

Yeah, but did he collect?

Jimmy

Did he collect? Slippin' Jimmy had it dialed in. One good fall, he'd clear six, eight grand. That'd keep him in Old Milwaukee and Maui Wowie right through Labor Day.

Jimmy

Betsy Kettleman’s her name. Every weekday between 2:25 and 2:50, she comes through here on her way to pick up her kids at Kit Carson Elementary. Now, you need a place where she’s gonna slow down, am I right?

Lars

Yeah.

Jimmy

All right. Well. There you go. She slows down. She hangs a right. You come shooting out of there. You did what you did to me. You go ass over teakettle. You make it a blue-ribbon special. When she gets out of the car, you’re sufferin' St. Sebastian, right? You’re the hammer, okay? You get in her face. You scare the bejesus out of her. Give me your phone. [Jimmy inputs his number]

Lars

It’s kind of busy here. Don’t you think?

Jimmy

Well, witnesses are good. Witnesses are pressure. All right? Now, once you’ve got her good and rattled, then you call for an ambulance. But really, you’re calling for me. I'm number one on your speed dial, right next to your weed dealer. [Jimmy hands back the phone] You call me. I hotfoot it over here. I just "happen" to be driving by. I stop to see what the trouble is. And this is the most important part – you don’t know me. We’ve never met. You got it?

Sure.

Jimmy

Okay. Now, I’m Mrs. K’s white knight. We go mano a mano. You light into me, okay? Get nasty. And no touching. Leave the hair alone. But otherwise, you know, open season. Yell. Stomp. Call me a douchebag. I’m gonna play it cool. Give me back some of the razzmatazz and once she’s seen the fireworks, you fold like a lawn chair – happy ending.

Lars

When do we get our money?

Jimmy

After.

Cal

After.

Jimmy

After. You get paid when I get paid. I’m the rising tide that raises all dinghies. Now, pop quiz – what’s the car?

Cal

Mercury Sable wagon. Baby-poop brown.

Jimmy

Okay. Do you know me?

No.

Jimmy

Damn straight. Go with God.

Tuco

[pointing a gun at Jimmy] Talk.

Jimmy

I'm gonna make an educated guess what happened here. My two clients, Frick and Frack, the mopheads, were in a simple traffic accident. A minor fender-bender, but maybe they were on the wrong side of the street or they didn't look both ways. It could happen to anyone. My clients, exhibiting extremely poor judgement, followed your grandmother to this delightful, well-tended home. Now, at this juncture, I am deducing that they said or did something that... crossed a line, and you–with some justification–you put them in their place. Based on the "salsa" stain there, could've gone a couple ways. The bottom line, not to be morbid, but if they're dead, uh, I'm guessing that I'm... [pause] I'm gonna–Yeah, I'm gonna go with glass half-full here and say they're not. My point is, if they're alive, why kill us? Why, because of a misunderstanding? Our own stupidity? Why mess up your lovely abuelita's place? Why jump to the nuclear option? See, I'm saying "keep it simple." I will collect my moronic clients, and poof, we are gone. Neither you nor your lovely abuelita will ever lay eyes on us ever again, guaranteed! Signed, sealed and delivered... assuming, you know, that they're still breathing.

Tuco

[pause] Wow. You got a mouth on you.

Jimmy

Thank you.

Tuco

You know what I smell. I smell lies. I smell pork. [Tuco places a wire cutter on Jimmy's finger]

Jimmy

No. That’s not necessary.

Tuco

Okay, we know you’re with the heat. The question is, who? Local? FBI?

Jimmy

No, no, no.

Tuco

DEA?

Jimmy

No, I’m a lawyer. Just reach in my pocket right now – right there!

Tuco

Truth.

Jimmy

That is the truth! I’m a lawyer! Guys, I passed the bar! Ask me anything! Not contract law, okay? I’m down at the court every day! People know me. I’m a known quantity – I am!

Jimmy

I’m – I’m Special Agent Jeffrey Steele, FBI.

Tuco

FBI?

Jimmy

FBI. I’m undercover, okay? You got me. I’m the tip of the spear, and releasing me would be a smart move.

Jimmy

Think about their mother.

Tuco

[pause; spits on the ground] I SPIT ON THEIR MAMA!

Jimmy

She is a sweet little lady. She—she’s a widow. She works hard all day, every day—just like her mother before her—from dawn til dusk! Scrubbing the floors of rich people. She needs a cane to walk, you know? She’s got arthritis, and still she works every day. What, for herself? No! No, for them! For these two! They’re her boys, they’re the apples of her eye. You say they don’t deserve her? [shrugs] Maybe so. But... they’re all she’s got. Now... you turn them inside out, I want you to think about what happens to her.

Tuco

No, [points at the twins with his knife] that’s on them. They should’ve thought about that.

Jimmy

But when I was at your abuelita’s place, you were gonna let them go. Way I see it, that’s because you’re tough, but you’re fair. You’re all about justice.

Tuco

That’s what I am saying. Justice.

Jimmy

These–these two shit-for-brains? These two big-mouths? You–you already beat the living hell out of them. Do you think they’re ever gonna forget today? Never! Ten years from now, they’re still gonna be crapping their jockeys.

Tuco

It’s not enough.

Jimmy

Okay, okay. Then let’s talk proportionality. They’re guilty–Oh, agreed. Now you have to decide what’s the right sentence?

Tuco

Like a judge.

Jimmy

Like a judge. Ever heard of the Code of Hammurabi? Let the punishment fit the crime, eye for an eye?

Tuco

Eye for an eye. You want me to blind them.

Jimmy

No, no. All they did was trash-talk.

Tuco

So, I cut their tongues out!

Jimmy

Wait. See, I’m advising that you make the punishment fit the crime.

Tuco

Punishment fit the crime. Colombian neckties. I cut their throats, and then I PULL THEIR LYING TONGUES THROUGH THE SLITS! BIZNATCH!!

Jimmy

Or you–you could give them black eyes.

Tuco

Black eyes? [laughs] That ain’t nothing!

That one there, homes. He already got a black eye, fool.

Tuco

[turns to No Doze] Stop. Helping.

Jimmy

Or you could sprain their ankles.

Tuco

Sprain?

Jimmy

They’re–they’re skateboarders, right? That–that’s how they run their scam. They can’t skate. You–you hit them where they live.

Tuco

I ain’t spraining nothing, bitch. I’m gonna break their arms. And I’m gonna break their legs.

Jimmy

Arms? When–when did we get on to arms? Let's...

Tuco

I’m cutting their legs off.

Jimmy

But–we could go that way. But… we were talking about breaking. I think we’re heading the wrong direction.

Tuco

Okay. Break their legs.

Jimmy

How many legs?

Tuco

Two. They got two legs.

Jimmy

One leg. Each.

Tuco

One leg each?

Jimmy

They’re... One leg each, that’s a total of two legs. Uh, hey, look. They can’t skateboard for six months, and they are scared of you forever. You show everybody that you are the man, but that you’re fair! That you’re just!

Tuco

One leg each.

Jimmy

[looks at the twins, then shakes Tuco's hand] That's tough, but that's fair.

Tuco

[to Gonzo and No Doze] Alright, lay them out! I ain’t got all day! It’s hot as shit out here!

Cal

You—you are—you are the worst lawyer! The worst lawyer ever!

Jimmy

Hey, I just talked you down from a death sentence to six months' probation. I'm the best lawyer ever.