[Leaving the courthouse parking lot, Jimmy pulls up to the attendant's booth and hands his ticket to the attendant]
Mike[clears throat] Three dollars.
Uh, I’m validated, see the stickers?
Mike
Well, I see five stickers. You’re one shy. It’s three dollars.
[sighs] They gave me– look. [sighs again] I’m validated for the entire day, okay? Five stickers, six stickers – I don’t know from stickers, because I was in that court back there saving people’s lives, so... [Mike rolls his eyes]
Mike
Well, gee, that’s swell. And thank you for restoring my faith in the judicial system. Now you either pay the three dollars, or you go back inside and you get an additional sticker. [hands back Jimmy's parking ticket]
[mutters angrily] Son of a bitch. [scoffs] Fine. [takes parking ticket] You win. Hooray for you! [scoffs again; yells loudly at the driver behind him] Backing up! I have to back up! I need more stickers! Don’t have enough stickers! Thank you! Thank you, very nice!
[Jimmy backs up his car, then drives and parks it next to a fence and a yellow barrier. He gets out of the car and shuts the door.]
Employee of the Month over here! Yeaaah! [claps his hands] Hooray! Give him a medal! [to two police officers standing at a distance] Don’t do anything, fellas. Just relax, all right?
Mike
You're light on stickers.
Mike
Five dollars.
Mike
You've got four, you need five.
There's four ninety-minute stickers there.
Mike
You've been here six hours and five minutes.
It takes ten minutes to walk down here!
Mike
Five dollars, or you get another sticker.
[takes parking ticket, backs up his car and gets out] This makes you feel real important, huh?! Not enough stickers, more stickers?!
[Later the next day, Jimmy runs low on stickers yet again and vents his anger at Mike]
You're like a troll under a bridge!
[Mike shuts the sliding glass window and ignores Jimmy]
"You must have the stickers, or you won't pass!" Troll alert here! Don't feed it!
[Jimmy once again doesn't have enough money or validation stickers when he shows up at the booth]
Dammit, here! I'm in a real rush. I didn't have time to get the validation.
Mike
Fine, nine bucks. [hands back Jimmy's parking ticket]
[takes ticket from Mike and looks for cash] I...I don't have it. I have five. Please!
Mike
You know the drill, money or validation.
Look, this is an emergency, okay?! A serious, serious emergency! I have to get outta here! I promise, on the souls of my forefathers, I will get you the stickers when I come back! I will get you extra if you just let me go! [Mike ignores him; angrily] FINE! FINE! You’re gonna make me walk back and get the stickers?! I will walk back and get the stickers!
Mike
I’m not making you do anything. Those are the rules.
[still angry] Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.
[Jimmy sees Mike not paying attention, so he reaches over and presses the button in the booth which raises the cross arm. It goes up and Jimmy drives away fast]
Hey, hold up. How come you let me off the hook back there?
Mike
I'm going back to work. Why don't you quit while you're ahead and go on your way?
No, I refuse to believe it's because you have something resembling a heart inside your body.
Mike
You're not gonna have a heart inside your body in about five seconds.
Okay, don't tell me. I already know why you did it.
Mike
Yeah? Why's that?
'Cause you believe me. That family kidnapped themselves.
Mike
Alright, I believe you.
I knew it! I knew it! Finally, someone believes me! Wh-Why do you believe me?
Mike
I heard the details, your story makes sense.
Of course it does! Devil's advocate -- like the cops said, uh, the Kettlemans' cars are still at their house, there's no record of them leaving, h-how'd they get out of the country?
Mike
They didn't. Odds are they didn't get out of the neighborhood.
Wh-- What, they... Come again?
Mike
Look, when I was still on the job back in Philly, we had this case...
Whoa, hold up, hold up now, wait... "On the job," as in you were a cop, "on the job"?
Mike
This bookie disappeared after the Super Bowl. Cowboys-Steelers? Took $6 million in bets and skipped town when things didn't go his way. Now, everybody thought he was on the beach in the Bahamas or dead in the Jersey Pine Barrens -- wasn't the case. He was two doors down from where he lived, in a foreclosed house. Hid there for six months without anyone suspecting.
But... But why? Why not run?
Mike
That's what everybody expects. It's human nature to want to stay close to home. And if this Kettleman figured out how to do it, that's what he did. Nobody wants to leave home.
[Late at night, Jimmy is leaving the parking lot when he stops at Mike's booth]
Heeeeey, there he is. The man in the booth, John Wilkes Booth, Booth Tarkington. Whatcha readin' there? The Complete Annotated Book of Rules for Parking Validation?
Mike
No, the rules for parking validation are actually pretty simple. Most people get it on the first try.
Well, you’ll be pleased to know I have the requisite stickers. [hands over parking ticket]
Mike
[deadpan] Well, be still my heart.
Aaand... you can have this, as well. [hands over business card] I’m doing elder law now. "Need a will? Call McGill." So, give me a call if you, uh—uh, if, uh, you happen to know any elders.
Mike
[slightly annoyed] Good night. [presses button to lift the crossarm]
Couldn’t have a bad one if I tried. [drives away]
Oh, here's your coffee. Hope it's good to the last drop, 'cause I'm billing you the full hour for it.
Mike
That's for you.
Huh, that's very thoughtful. [beat] You serious? Why'd you have me bring that to you?
Mike
Alright, here's what's gonna happen: those two cops out there are from Philadelphia, they've come a long way to see me. When they come in here, we're all gonna have a little chat, and when it's over, the young one– who's been writing in his little notebook–he's gonna take it and put it in his jacket, and when he does that, I want you to take that coffee and spill it on him. Little accident. That's all.
And why, pray tell, would I do that?
Mike
Because I'm asking you to. It's the only reason you're here.
So I'm here because you want me to assault a police officer.
Mike
I am asking you to take a few ounces of lukewarm coffee and spill it on him. I doubt that satisfies the definition of "assault," but, hey, you're the lawyer.
Mike
You call the cops?
Mike
Philadelphia PD. Did you call them?
Mike
Why?
I told them I heard about Hoffman and Fensky-
Mike
And what?
You don't think it's strange? First Matt, then not six months later, his partner and his sergeant? Yeah, I called them to help catch Matty's killer. Mike, what if the same person-? If—what if the piece of shit who got Matty got them too?
Mike
And what exactly did you tell them?
Mike
You told them Matt was dirty? Is that what you told them?
Mike
How could you possibly think that? That's your husband, the father of your child–
I didn't say that. I-I told them I found money. After Kaylee and I moved here, when I was unpacking—it was in the lining of an old suitcase. Matt must've tucked it away in there, because this was cash. Five, six thousand, from God knows where! I mean, we were basically living paycheck to paycheck. Where the hell did he get it?
Mike
Why didn't you ask me? Why didn't you come to me?
I couldn't. I knew what it would do to you. First he's murdered, and then for you to think... I mean, it would burn you to the ground, there'd be nothing left. And you wouldn't talk to me! Every night, you were drinking yourself unconscious like you were the only one who lost him. Look, I don't care: he was dirty, he was clean, I don't care. All I want is for whoever killed Matty to rot in a cell for the rest of their life, and then I want whatever's left of them just dumped in the trash. That's what I want. I don't care where it leads, what it uncovers. I mean, what difference would it make if he was... anything? I'd still love him, I'd still miss him, he'd still be gone!
Mike
Matt wasn't dirty!
Well, so be straight with me. Right now! This is it, Mike! What was that phone call before he died? Don't bullshit me!
Mike
That was between me and my son.
So, you're admitting it was you!
Mike
He wasn't dirty! Goddamn you, you get that through your head! My son wasn't dirty!
[Mike admits the truth about his late son, Matty, to his wife]
Mike
You let some things slide and you look the other way. You bust a drug dealer that has more cash than you'll ever earn in a lifetime. Some of it doesn't make it back into evidence, so what? You took a taste. So did everyone else. That's how you knew you were safe. It's like killing Caesar. Everyone's guilty. Matt wasn't dirty. I was. Everyone was in that precinct. That's how it worked. You turn in your buddy, you're screwing yourself. You go along to get along.
Mike
[chuckles; clicks tongue] I did. Yeah. I did.
Okay. But you said Matt didn't.
Mike
No. Not Matt. Fensky got to Hoffman early, kickbacks from some gang or another. Protection, basically. And Hoffman went to Matty and offered to cut him in. Only fair, right? They were partners. And Matt did what you would think: He agonized. And then he came to me, wanted to go to the I.A., do the right thing, shut 'em down.
Oh, my God. And you let him? That's why he got killed 'cause he was gonna turn on those guys?
Mike
No. No. I told him...[sighs] "You know what a cop fears most? More than getting shot, more than anything? Prison. Getting locked up with everybody you put away. You threaten a cop with that, you make him dangerous." And that's what I told him. I talked sense. No one was getting hurt. "But if you go to the I.A., if you even look like you're going...?" He had a wife, a kid, responsibilities. "Take the money. Do something good with it." [chuckles] Well, I tried. I tried. But he wouldn't listen. My boy was stubborn. My boy was strong. And he was gonna get himself killed. So I told him...I told him I did it, too, that I was like Hoffman, getting by, and that's what you heard that night: Me talking him down, him kicking and screaming until the fight went out of him. He put me up on a pedestal. And I had to show him that I was down in the gutter with the rest of them. Broke my boy. I broke my boy. He went to Hoffman, he took the money, but he hesitated. Even looking like you're doing the right thing to those two meant that he wasn't solid – that he couldn't be trusted. I got Matty to take the money. And they killed him two days later. He was the strongest person that I ever knew. He'd have never done it, not even to save himself. I was the only one, I was the only one that could get him to debase himself like that. And it was for nothing. I made him lesser. I made him like me. And the bastards killed him anyway.
Hoffman and Fensky, if they killed Matty... who killed them? Pop... What happened?
Mike
You know what happened. The question is... Can you live with it?
PPryce
How did you know not to bring a gun?
Mike
This $1500- I'll just say, you're getting a bargain. I put in a lot of legwork before coming here. That fella you just met with? Name is Ignacio Varga; runs with a connected crew of drug dealers. Now, this deal he's doing with you, he's doing outside his crew - doesn't want his bosses to know - so it was in his best interest that things go very smoothly.
Mike
Mm. The lesson is, if you're gonna be a criminal, do your homework.
PPryce
Wait. I- I'm not a bad guy.
Mike
I didn't say you were a bad guy. I said you're a criminal.
PPryce
What's the difference?
Mike
I've known good criminals and bad cops. Bad priests. Honorable thieves. You can be on one side of the law or the other. But if you make a deal with somebody, you keep your word. You can go home today with your money and never do this again. But you took something that wasn't yours. And you sold it for a profit. You're now a criminal. Good one, bad one? That's up to you.
Mike
Well, that was quick. No charge.
Help me out here. Did I dream it, or did I have $1,600,000 on my desk in cash? When I close my eyes, I can still see it. It's burned into my retinas like I was staring into the sun. No one on God's green earth knew we had it. We could have split it 50/50. We could have gone home with $800,000 each, tax-free.
Mike
Your point being?
Why didn't we? What stopped us?!
Mike
I remember you saying something about doing the right thing.
I don't even know what that means.
Mike
You want to know why I didn't take that money? Is that what you're asking?
Yeah, that's what I'm asking.
Mike
Me personally? I was hired to do a job. I did it. That's as far as it goes.
Yeah. Well, I know what stopped me. And you know what? It's never stopping me again.
[Mike is waiting in the parking garage for Daniel Wormald to pick him up. Moments later, Daniel pulls into the garage in a bright yellow Hummer H2. Upon seeing the car, Mike picks up his lunch bag and immediately begins walking away]
Hey! It's me! [after a brief fumble, he backs the car up to catch up with Mike] Hello? Hello! It's me! I got a new car. Do you like it?
Mike
We're not taking that to the meet.
How are we gonna get there?
Mike
I'll drive, in my car.
Mike
This business requires restraint. That is the opposite of restraint.
But... I like it. I mean, I'm proud of it.
Mike
Good. And you can be proud of it on your own time. Just not with me. I'm not getting in that.
[Daniel has shown up at Mike's parking lot in his bright circus wagon, having been summoned for police questioning]
Well, if you must know, I was robbed. Somebody broke into my house and stole my property.
Mike
Your drugs.
Yeah, but obviously I didn't tell the cops that. I'm not stupid.
Mike
You've already spoken to them?
A couple of them came by my house. But it's not the drugs that I care about. I mean, I care. It's my baseball cards I need back.
Mike
Your baseball cards?
Yes. I have a very valuable collection of baseball cards, and someone stole them.
Mike
I guess I shouldn't be surprised I have to tell you this. But it's probably a bad idea that you willingly talk to the police, being a criminal and all.
I'm not here as a criminal. I'm here as a crime victim. Just because I occasionally sell some pharmaceuticals, I no longer have a right to protection from crime? And I was very careful when I talked to them. I... they have no idea about my other business.
Mike
If you already made your report, why are you here?
They called me. They have a few more questions. They are very dedicated to finding this thief.
Mike
Since you're new to this, let me explain it to you. They've invited you on a fishing trip.
What's that? A fishing trip?
Mike
Those cops have no interest in helping you get your cards back. You're obviously under suspicion.
There was nothing there for them to see.
Mike
I refer you to our previous conversation and this blinking neon sign of a vehicle that says "drug dealer." They suspect you. They will get you in there, pretend to be your friend, lull you into a false sense of security, and then they will sweat you. And you will break.
I don't... I... [chuckles] I disagree.
Mike
Not open for debate. You go home now.
But I have an appointment.
Mike
Break it. And if they call you, do not answer the phone.
But- what about my baseball cards?
Mike
Cost of doing business.
No! No, no, no, I am getting those back! I will take the risk.
Mike
No, you won't, because then you'll be putting my well-being at risk.
I have to! I–I–those cards? Some of them were my dad's. I am getting them back. I'm getting them back.
Mike
[pause] I'll find your cards.
Is–is that something you do? Wow, that's–that is so generous of you.
Mike
Oh, it'll cost ya.
[Mike meets with Nacho at his father's car upholstery shop]
How'd you find me? [Mike snorts] Why are you here?
Mike
Baseball cards. The way I figure, you saw that midlife-crisis of a vehicle and wisely decided to cut ties with the man, and I don't blame you, I did too, and then you ripped him off. Now, I'm sure those baseball cards looked like an easy way to make a few extra bucks off that idiot–teach him a lesson, too–but you underestimated just how big an idiot you were dealing with.
[chuckles] No, I'm pretty aware.
Mike
Well, then you underestimated how attached the man was to those cards; so attached, he called the police and reported them stolen. Now, they're nosing around.
That sounds like a you problem.
Mike
No, I think it's very much an us problem.
[starts walking away] Yeah, well, I'll guess I'll just have to take my chances, but... [gestures for him to go] good luck to you.
Mike
Y'know, I was hoping you'd see our dilemma and do the right thing... [Nacho shrugs] but I think what we have here is a carrot-and-stick situation.
...Oh, yeah? This the stick? Hmm? You come here threatening my family? Huh? Because you're gonna need a bigger stick, old man.
Mike
I'm not here to threaten your family... and the name of the stick is Tuco Salamanca. Now, if you don't play ball, so to speak, and Tuco finds out about your little side business... that a big enough stick? However, I'd prefer the carrot. I think you will, too.
[Nacho is discussing his plan to have Mike kill Tuco]
You got a better plan? Go on, tell me. I'm all ears.
Mike
You sure about this? Killing your partner, heh... that's a bell you don't unring.
[Nacho pauses, then pulls back his shirt to reveal something lodged in his shoulder]
You see this? You know how I got this? Back in '96, '97, Tuco and I were working with these bikers out of Riverside County. They were selling this peanut-butter crank; real shit, y'know, but cheap, we could sell it as fast as we got it. Anyway... Tuco develops a taste for it, and crank does not bring out the best in people - made Tuco erratic. Our connect was a guy called Dog Paulson. One day, Tuco's settling up with Dog. He decides to put on his lie detector. Dog's like, "What the hell," you know; Tuco just keeps staring at him, then he goes real quiet. "You think I'm an idiot, Dog?" He thinks Dog is supplying his competitor, trying to cut Tuco out. Dog, he denies it, "no way, not me." Tuco doesn't even raise his voice, but suddenly he's got a sawed-off and... right in Dog's face. I was behind him. Sickest thing I ever saw to this day, and this? [pulls back his shirt again] A piece of Dog's skull under the skin, a little piece of him. I tried digging it out, but it's in there pretty good. Y'know, not the kind of thing you go to the doctor's for. The thing about it was... Tuco really liked Dog. Kinda felt bad about it afterwards, but when he's using: [popping sound] Loco, crazy. There's no other way to put it. And he's using again: Crystal, much bigger kick. [shrugs] So... it's like you said. If Tuco finds out about my, y'know, independent ventures... it's gonna be Dog all over again. It's him or me.
Better Call Saul · 283 quotes
