Jimmy McGill quotes from Better Call Saul

Mike

You're light on stickers.

Jimmy

Come on!

Mike

Five dollars.

Jimmy

Are you serious?

Mike

You've got four, you need five.

Jimmy

There's four ninety-minute stickers there.

Mike

You've been here six hours and five minutes.

Jimmy

It takes ten minutes to walk down here!

Mike

Five dollars, or you get another sticker.

Jimmy

[takes parking ticket, backs up his car and gets out] This makes you feel real important, huh?! Not enough stickers, more stickers?!

Jimmy

You're like a troll under a bridge!

Jimmy

"You must have the stickers, or you won't pass!" Troll alert here! Don't feed it!

Jimmy

Hey, you asked for me, and I have come. I want to tell you this was a wise move—very smart, because I’m here to help everyone—all parties—but mostly you. Uh, those two detectives—They just gave me an earful. And what they were telling me is—it’s problematic. I’m gonna pitch it back to you so I know we’re on the same page. A neighbor lady saw a suspicious van parked across the street from the Kettleman’s house two nights in a row. She wrote down the license plate. It was your license plate. Cops tracked your van and you, searched it, and found blood on the floor. So... here we are. Um... um... they’re calling the FBI in on this, [Jimmy sits down] which makes it federal. That’s a bad thing, Nacho. That’s–that’s very bad, but if you tell me where the family is, if–if you give them up now—full cooperation, deep remorse—I feel very good about knocking your sentence down to the minimum: 18 years. They take this good-behavior thing very seriously, so start here, right here. Tell me the family is okay. Tell me the kids are okay. [beat] You want to tell me your thoughts and weigh in? Does this sound like a plan that you can get behind?

Nacho

You miserable piece of shit. You set me up.

Jimmy

I what?

Nacho

You gave my score to another crew, and now you’re setting me up.

Jimmy

I... What the—What? Did the cops beat you? ‘Cause you’re talking like a person with head trauma.

Nacho

You think you’re funny?

Jimmy

What are you saying? Are you saying that you have nothing to do with this? That was your van outside the house. You weren’t there?

Nacho

Yeah, I was there. I was casing the place, figuring out the best way in and out, what time they went to bed. All that. They were fine when I left. That’s it.

Jimmy

You have nothing to do with the Kettlemans?

Nacho

I was never in the house.

Jimmy

What about the blood in your van?

Nacho

They DNA my ride, all they’re gonna find is the blood of your skate-rat twins, plus whatever piss and shit you leaked out when you were in there. Nobody's been in the back of that van since.

Jimmy

I... I don’t understand.

Nacho

Here’s what I understand, councilor. I told my plan to one other person. One: You. Now here I am, under arrest. Go figure.

Jimmy

I don’t know anything about a setup or another crew.

Nacho

You know what? I don’t even care. The cops are out there right now, poking into my business, and if they find something on me or my partners, for real, it’s gonna be bad for you. Really bad.

Jimmy

Bad? Bad as in?

Nacho

You get me out of here today... or you’re a dead man.

Jimmy

Dammit, here! I'm in a real rush. I didn't have time to get the validation.

Mike

Fine, nine bucks. [hands back Jimmy's parking ticket]

Jimmy

[takes ticket from Mike and looks for cash] I...I don't have it. I have five. Please!

Mike

You know the drill, money or validation.

Jimmy

Look, this is an emergency, okay?! A serious, serious emergency! I have to get outta here! I promise, on the souls of my forefathers, I will get you the stickers when I come back! I will get you extra if you just let me go! [Mike ignores him; angrily] FINE! FINE! You’re gonna make me walk back and get the stickers?! I will walk back and get the stickers!

Mike

I’m not making you do anything. Those are the rules.

Jimmy

[still angry] Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Jimmy

SCREW YOU, GEEZER!

Jimmy

I called the Kettlemans after I hung up with you, I gave them a warning call.

Kim

A warning call?

Jimmy

Yeah, I was worried that my guy Varga was going after their money. And he was. He was gonna rip them off. I deduced it from a conversation that we had. It was lawyer to client, so there was, you know, confidentiality issues. But I called the Kettlemans anonymously to warm them.

Kim

Anonymously? You didn’t – Oh, god, you didn’t–you didn’t do the sex-robot voice, did you?

Jimmy

I did, with the tube and whole thing, which probably scared the living shit out of them, and they took off, which, you know, file that under “unintended consequence,” but you–you believe me now?

Kim

Um...

Jimmy

Great. Now we have to find them. I mean—Or better yet, get the cops to let Varga go because right now my ass is on the highway to the danger zone.

Kim

Well, why are you in danger?

Jimmy

Nacho Varga, he didn’t kidnap the family. But he’s a bad guy. He’s a very bad guy. And if the cops keep pushing him, they’re gonna find something. And when that happens, Nacho blames me, and then his guys turn me into a meat piñata.

Kim

Jimmy, tell the police.

Jimmy

No, there’s–there’s no way I’m gonna rat on this guy. I will never be safe. No, I have to convince the cops that I’m right, get them to stop looking at Nacho, and catch the Kettlemans on the run.

Kim

And if they never catch them?

Jimmy

The Kettlemans? Well, you have met these people, right? They’re–They’re not exactly masterminds, right? They will be caught if the cops are looking for them. So tell them to, would you? The FBI, too. I heard they’re getting in on this.

Kim

Why would the FBI listen to me?

Jimmy

Well, Hamlin—They’ll listen to him, right? APD, at least. You–You talk to Howard. You explain things to him. He has clout with these people. [Kim sighs] What? Is–Is that a no or...

Kim

Hamlin will never agree to it. The Kettlemans are our clients. This would mean incriminating them.

Jimmy

Oh, you–you see? That’s why people hate lawyers.

Kim

It’s Hamlin’s call, and Hamlin will never agree. And even if it were up to me, you know I couldn’t. I’m sorry. I just...

Jimmy

I get it. [turns and leaves]

Kim

Where are you going?

Jimmy

I’m gonna go talk to Nacho. I’ll try to make him see reason. To beg!

Jimmy

Hey, hold up. How come you let me off the hook back there?

Mike

I'm going back to work. Why don't you quit while you're ahead and go on your way?

Jimmy

No, I refuse to believe it's because you have something resembling a heart inside your body.

Mike

You're not gonna have a heart inside your body in about five seconds.

Jimmy

Okay, don't tell me. I already know why you did it.

Mike

Yeah? Why's that?

Jimmy

'Cause you believe me. That family kidnapped themselves.

Mike

Alright, I believe you.

Jimmy

I knew it! I knew it! Finally, someone believes me! Wh-Why do you believe me?

Mike

I heard the details, your story makes sense.

Jimmy

Of course it does! Devil's advocate -- like the cops said, uh, the Kettlemans' cars are still at their house, there's no record of them leaving, h-how'd they get out of the country?

Mike

They didn't. Odds are they didn't get out of the neighborhood.

Jimmy

Wh-- What, they... Come again?

Mike

Look, when I was still on the job back in Philly, we had this case...

Jimmy

Whoa, hold up, hold up now, wait... "On the job," as in you were a cop, "on the job"?

Mike

This bookie disappeared after the Super Bowl. Cowboys-Steelers? Took $6 million in bets and skipped town when things didn't go his way. Now, everybody thought he was on the beach in the Bahamas or dead in the Jersey Pine Barrens -- wasn't the case. He was two doors down from where he lived, in a foreclosed house. Hid there for six months without anyone suspecting.

Jimmy

But... But why? Why not run?

Mike

That's what everybody expects. It's human nature to want to stay close to home. And if this Kettleman figured out how to do it, that's what he did. Nobody wants to leave home.

Please, just don't tell anyone about the money.

Jimmy

I can't take a bribe.

Who would know?

We won't tell anyone.

Yeah, take it.

Jimmy

I can't take it.

Please? Didn't you say that you wanted to help us?

Just pretend you never saw the money. How hard is that? Take it. Take it.

Jimmy

I c—I can't take a bribe... but you know what? I can take a retainer.

A retainer?

Jimmy

Yeah, for my services... as your lawyer?

You're not our lawyer.

Jimmy

Well, not yet. Look, I know HHM is shiny and it's slick and it's chock-full of lawyers, and compared to them I'm like a kiddie lemonade stand trying to compete with Walmart, but here's the thing: what are you gonna get from me that you're not gonna get from those other guys? Passion. Commitment. Ask yourself this: who found you? I don't see Howard Hamlin ruining his $300 Gucci loafers out here. If you're with me, you're my number one client—morning, noon or night. You call me, I'm there. I would be singularly devoted to you.

Jimmy

Wh- Why not?

I'm sorry. You're just...

Jimmy

Just what?

You're the kind of lawyer guilty people hire.

Jimmy

Well... I believe I did more than what you asked of me, so, uh, that would make us square, yes? Great. You need a ride?

Nacho

Camping? You expect me to believe that shit?

Jimmy

Yeah, I know it. The things people do, huh?

Nacho

They decide to go camping right after I run my little offer by you?

Jimmy

Could be argued that all of life is one great coincidence.

Nacho

Somebody told those people to, um, go camping. Somebody warned them.

Jimmy

They’re very woodsy. And between you and me, they’re pretty rash when it comes to the decision-making. I mean, they're not really the plan-ahead types.

Nacho

Yeah, I'd cut the cute attitude right about now if I were you. You ratted on me. There will be consequences.

Jimmy

Hey, if somebody warned the Kettlemans, it was probably somebody who was worried about those kids.

Nacho

You know how much trouble you caused me?

Jimmy

You didn't need any help getting caught, okay? The neighbor ID'd you. You were sloppy. Any trouble you might have... that's on you. Not to mention the blood in your van. Here's a thought... Ajax, Formula 409! You have no idea the tap dance I had to give those cops to get you out of here. You gave them probable cause out the wazoo. Now, and whoever that somebody is who may have warned the Kettlemans got them out of there before you did anything even more stupid. You should be thanking this good samaritan. Because whoever he is, he did you a favor.

Jimmy

How pissed was he?

Kim

Well, his head didn't actually explode, but y'know, pretty damn pissed. Like, "this won't end well for you" pissed.

Jimmy

Yeah. How 'bout that?

Kim

Jimmy. This is serious.

Jimmy

I know.

Kim

Do you? I mean, what the hell is with that billboard? I know you have a problem with Hamlin, but I–I just don't get your angle here. Aren't you trying to build your own law practice? Instead, you're spending God knows how much money turning yourself into a little Hamlin clone. I mean, why are you making this personal?

Jimmy

It's not personal.

Kim

It is so personal. It is completely and totally personal.

Jimmy

No, no, no, it's not, nope.

Kim

Yes! Yes, it—Stop trying to pretend.

Jimmy

I can advertise, can't I? What, do I have to clear everything past the great Howard?

Kim

Yes, you can advertise, Jimmy. All you want. That billboard is not advertising, that is a declaration of war.

Jimmy

"Declaration of war?"

Kim

It's right at Hamlin's exit! You know he drives by it everyday!

Jimmy

It's business. I'm building a brand.

Kim

You're ripping off a brand. There is nothing original in that ad. It certainly doesn't represent Jimmy McGill.

Jimmy

Hey. Alright, now he fired the first shot. Okay? Trying to keep me from using my name? My own name, Kim?

Kim

I get that... but this? You're better that this.

Jimmy

I'm better than this?

Kim

Yes.

Jimmy

I'm better than this?! I'M BE—?

Kim

You are!

Jimmy

Well, you're better than that schmuck, Hamlin!

Kim

Oh, come on, Jimmy...

Jimmy

You could work anywhere! You could be somewhere they appreciate you. You know? Where they see how valuable you are. Where, I dunno, maybe they care about you?! [pause] Forget it, okay? If Hamlin wants to come after me, he knows where I am. I'll be ready, guns blazing.

Jimmy

Your Honor, I'm a humble solo practitioner, merely trying to ply my trade in an aggressive and evolving marketplace.

Howard

As I've argued repeatedly, this is trademark infringement. Mr. McGill's new logo is an absolute copy of ours.

Jimmy

I think it falls firmly under fair use.

Howard

Fair use? You're clearly profiting, so fair use doesn't apply.

Jimmy

It—There are only so many fonts out there. Does Mr. Hamlin outright own them all?

Howard

No, but we've been using this particular font for 12 years now, and it, in concert with our tri-rectangle graphic and Hamlindigo Blue, constitutes a trademarked brand identifier.

Jimmy

Whoa, whoa. Back up. Hamlindigo Blue?

Howard

Yes. That is our trademarked name.

Jimmy

Holy crap. You seriously named a color "Hamlindigo"? That is... yikes.

Howard

"Yikes"? From the man dressed exactly like me. Your Honor, I feel like I'm in the mirror routine with Groucho Marx, like we should be standing, waving our arms at each other.

Jimmy

Really? I don't see it.

Howard

In addition, the name McGill appears in both logos, which, I believe, Mr. McGill is hoping to further confuse potential clients.

Jimmy

So I can't advertise under my own name now? I'm to be penalized 'cause I happen to share a name with one of HHM's partners? You can't take my name from me.

The name is not the problem here, Mr. McGill.

Jimmy

Uh, Mr. Hamlin certainly seems to think so. I mean, he wants me to change my name 'cause he claims that-that—what—it's some kind of threat to his business? Your Honor, this is restraint of trade, okay? Whatever happened to the free market, huh? No, Hamlin here wants you to tell—

Okay, okay, I've... Enough. Mr. McGill, I've heard enough. Alright, yes, you are within your rights to advertise using your own name. However, in my estimation, the billboard clearly and intentionally duplicates elements of the Hamlin, Hamlin & McGill logo. You're actively copying their established brand for your own gain. I don't see any other reasonable explanation.

Jimmy

Your Honor, I—

Jimmy, Jimmy. Wise up. The billboard must come down within 48 hours.

Chuck

I don't see the Journal here.

Jimmy

[pulls up the Wall Street Journal] Here you go.

Chuck

No, the Albuquerque Journal. It's not here.

Jimmy

Oh, yeah. I didn't see it outside.

Chuck

It wasn't out there? It's always out there.

Jimmy

I didn't see it. Maybe they forgot to deliver it, maybe some kids grabbed it.

Chuck

[sarcastically] Because if there's one thing kids love, it's local print journalism.

Jimmy

I don't know what to tell ya, you got a ton of reading material here. Look, hey, Financial Times. I know Albuquerque is a hub of global intrigue, but you think that'll tide you over?

Jim, I saw you on the TV, that billboard thing. And I had me a pair of insights. Insight the first: You ain't afraid to put yourself out there. And insight the second: You believe in the real America—freedom, self-sufficiency.

Jimmy

I do. I... I really do.

When I see a man like you driving that foreign shitbox of a car...

Jimmy

Well, see, actually, it's...

...it's a sign a good man can't get ahead today. It's a damned travesty. That's what it is.

Jimmy

Well that may be, Ricky, but, uh... I refuse to consider myself a victim.

You know, we are once again at a point in our history where the fly-swatting hand of government is crushing the spirit of entrepreneurship. Taxes, OSHA requirements, the INS poking their big, fat nose into every mother-loving hire. It's damned oppressive.

Jimmy

It's tragic. It's un-American.

Jim, I think you are just the lawyer I need, 'cause I got me a case—major—I say, a major case. Are you ready to clear your calendar?

Jimmy

Ricky, I'm all ears.

I want to secede from the United States. Now, I got 1,100 acres of property here, self-sustaining with solar power and wells, a sovereign state immune to the business-killing regulations of the country in which it geographically lies. We are going to be America's Vatican City.

Jimmy

Ricky... I'm your man. Yeah, let's do this. Let's show 'em all. Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Jimmy

Yee-haw! [Ricky highfives Jimmy] Yes! We are doing this! Ah. Now, it's not gonna be easy, sir. I mean, the government is gonna fight us tooth and nail. We could end up in the Supreme Court—I'm talking thousands of man-hours—I mean, years of effort.

Are you ready for that?

Jimmy

Me? I say bring 'em on.

Let's talk turkey. What's your rate?

Jimmy

$450 an hour.

The hell with hourly. I want you on retainer. How about $1 million even—$500,000 up front and $500,000 when we're done?

Jimmy

A million? That seems... fair.

Would you like that in cash? [takes out stacks of bills from the safe]

Jimmy

Uh. [flips a stack of bills and sees Ricky's face on them] Well...

Tax-free and backed by the full faith and credit of the sovereign Sandia Republic.

Jimmy

It's, uh...

Son... You are getting in on the ground floor.

Jimmy

So, what do we got?

Uh, I feel silly asking this. Yeah. But before I show you my invention, would you mind signing a non-disclosure agreement?

Jimmy

You got it. No problem. [signs the agreement]

It's my idea of a lifetime. If Fisher-Price or Playskool ever got their hands on this...

Jimmy

No worries.

You ready? [lifts the tarp off an ordinary looking toilet]

Jimmy

I may have seen one of these before.

Not like this. This one has this little unit I've added. This is my invention. Do you have children?

Jimmy

No.

My wife and I have two boys, four and six. And let me tell you, toilet-training them? Nightmare, both times. They just didn't want to use the commode! So I wired a motion sensor to a voice chip and, well, no sense getting all technical. But it's all about positive reinforcement. Meet Tony the Toilet Buddy. And when you sit down to do your business, this is how he works.

Oh, yeah! That's the way! [Roland drops another wooden block in the toilet bowl] Gosh, you're big! You're so big! My goodness! Look at you! [another wooden block gets dropped in] Fill me up, Chandler! Put it in me!

Chandler's my youngest. Loves it.

Jimmy

Huh. [watches Roland drop another wooden block]

Give it to me, Chandler! I want it all! Mmm! Ahhh!

Anyway, it goes on from there. You get the picture.

Jimmy

Yeah, I, uh... Yeah.

So, what do you think?

Jimmy

It's a little... sexual, maybe?

Sexual? What—what does that...?

Jimmy

Suggestive, maybe—maybe that's a better word? Look, I'm not—I'm not saying this thing won't make you rich. I mean, some of your wealthier Pacific Rim nations, they'll love this, the crazy bastards.

I created this for children. Children, understand?

Jimmy

Well, hey, Viagra was originally invented to treat hypertension. Look how that turned out.

You're completely disgusting, you know that?!

Jimmy

Hey, buddy, you're the one with the sex toilet.

Get off my property!

Jimmy

Hey, you know what? I hope you do make a fortune, 'cause Chandler's gonna need it to help pay for his therapy!

Now, where were we? Would you like some more tea?

Jimmy

No, no thank you. I'm—I'm fine. Now, the shepherd boy Hummel, that's gonna go to your nephew Clarence?

As long as he finishes college. If he drops out, it goes to my niece, Raylene, but then Raylene doesn't get the girl—

Jimmy

The girl with the geese, I know. Then that would go to your cousin Helen, so long as she never remarries Frederick?

Exactly.

Jimmy

Yeah.

And no matter what, I want the towheaded twins to go to Reverend Lawrence's grandson.

Jimmy

Um, don't you mean Reverend Haines? 'Cause Reverend Lawrence's grandson is going to get the, uh, lute-playing angel because he was in the choir.

Very sharp, Mr. McGill... and here I thought all lawyers were idiots.

Jimmy

Hah, no, only half of us are idiots. The other half are crooks!

[both laugh] Aren't you a spicy one!

Jimmy

Well...

If I were 40 years younger, I'd have you buy me a piña colada.

Jimmy

Well, if you want me to draw up a DNR, I'll bring a blender and some pineapple.

I knew I'd like you when I saw how you saved that poor man on the television. Moxie is in such short supply these days.

Jimmy

Yeah, well, I pride myself on my moxie. Now, I hate to do this, but I do need to bring up my payment. Um, and I'm sorry, but I can't accept S&H Green Stamps, heh. Now, my fee is $140.

A hundred and forty?

Jimmy

I'll gladly accept seventy today and seventy when I come back with the completed documents-

Shall we continue, Mr. McGill?

Jimmy

Yes. Yes, we shall, Mrs. Strauss!

Jimmy

You think this is the return of Slippin' Jimmy, but it's not.

Chuck

[indulgingly] Alright.

Jimmy

You think the billboard thing was unethical, but it was promotion. It was advertising, that's all.

Chuck

Which wasn't even allowed until five Supreme Court justices went completely bonkers in Bates v. State Bar of Arizona.

Jimmy

A-ha!

Chuck

But in any event, it's legal. If you wanna advertise, that's your business.

Jimmy

Business being the operative word there, Chuck! Because I have gotten business off of this. Legit business, wills, trusts... I'm kind of starting to specialize in elder law.

Chuck

Elder law?

Jimmy

Yeah, the things the elderly have to deal with, I mean. You know, relatives coming after their savings, telemarketers, reverse-mortgage scams; I mean, getting old sucks! Seniors need someone on their side, so... you're looking at him.

Chuck

Oh, that sounds... promising... but it has nothing to do with my condition.

Jimmy

Chuck, listen. I'm gonna make you a promise right now, okay?

Chuck

No, not necessary, not requested.

Jimmy

Okay, the billboard was a one-time thing. I–I'm a good lawyer, I just needed some razzmatazz, you know? To get the ball rolling, some showmanship. That's all it was, it's done now, it's over.

Chuck

Alright.

Jimmy

From here on out, I'm gonna play by the rules.

Chuck

As any lawyer should.

Jimmy

Exactly! There are clients out there who need me, and I'm gonna give them the best representation I know how to provide. I'm on the up-and-up, okay? I will be good; Slippin' Jimmy, he's back in Cicero, dead and buried.

Chuck

...Okay. We'll see.

Jimmy

Heeeeey, there he is. The man in the booth, John Wilkes Booth, Booth Tarkington. Whatcha readin' there? The Complete Annotated Book of Rules for Parking Validation?

Mike

No, the rules for parking validation are actually pretty simple. Most people get it on the first try.

Jimmy

Well, you’ll be pleased to know I have the requisite stickers. [hands over parking ticket]

Mike

[deadpan] Well, be still my heart.

Jimmy

Aaand... you can have this, as well. [hands over business card] I’m doing elder law now. "Need a will? Call McGill." So, give me a call if you, uh—uh, if, uh, you happen to know any elders.

Mike

[slightly annoyed] Good night. [presses button to lift the crossarm]

Jimmy

Couldn’t have a bad one if I tried. [drives away]