Jimmy McGill quotes from Better Call Saul

Jimmy

How you doing? James McGill here to see my client. [beat] What?

You look like Matlock.

Jimmy

Uh, no, I look like a young Paul Newman dressed as Matlock.

Jimmy

Oh, here's your coffee. Hope it's good to the last drop, 'cause I'm billing you the full hour for it.

Mike

That's for you.

Jimmy

Huh, that's very thoughtful. [beat] You serious? Why'd you have me bring that to you?

Mike

Alright, here's what's gonna happen: those two cops out there are from Philadelphia, they've come a long way to see me. When they come in here, we're all gonna have a little chat, and when it's over, the young one– who's been writing in his little notebook–he's gonna take it and put it in his jacket, and when he does that, I want you to take that coffee and spill it on him. Little accident. That's all.

Jimmy

And why, pray tell, would I do that?

Mike

Because I'm asking you to. It's the only reason you're here.

Jimmy

So I'm here because you want me to assault a police officer.

Mike

I am asking you to take a few ounces of lukewarm coffee and spill it on him. I doubt that satisfies the definition of "assault," but, hey, you're the lawyer.

Jimmy

Hey, funny story: I found something that belongs to you, again.

Kim

Yeah? What?

Jimmy

"Who?" Picture The 25th Hour, starring Ned and Maude Flanders.

Kim

I know we're never supposed to say our clients are guilty, but hey, not my client anymore. He's guilty as sin.

Jimmy

Yeah, but there has to be something. Some loophole or -

Kim

None that I could find.

Jimmy

There has to be a way.

Kim

Not without the money. It's the only chip those Kettlemans have, and they refuse to play it.

Jimmy

[looking around] Oh, I love what you've done with the place. Last time I was here, it was, uh... Well, not a contender for the cover of Good Housekeeping, that's for sure.

[chuckling] Do you have news about our case?

Jimmy

I do, in fact. But before we get to the nitty-gritty, I think we should chat about your deal.

Uh, we told you, there will be no deal.

Jimmy

You did, didn't you? However, circumstances have changed.

What circumstances?

Jimmy

To answer that, um... might I suggest that you go and check on that money you insist you "didn't" take?

Jimmy

In the upstairs bathroom, under the sink?

Wait, how could you...?

Betsy?

No, no no no no no no!

It's okay, Betsy. It's gotta be... it's gotta be in there somewhere.

What did you do with it?!

Jimmy

By "it", you mean...?

[As she and Craig make their way downstairs] Where is it?!

Jimmy

Oh! You mean the money? Uh, let me see. It's uh... [checks his watch] on its way to the D.A.'s desk, right about now.

What!? You...!? Oh, you thief!

Jimmy

It takes one to know one, doesn't it?

You took it? How did you take it?

Jimmy

A good magician never reveals his tricks. Now here's what we're gonna do—

Oh, you don't tell us what to do. You stole from us. We... We will have you arrested!

Jimmy

Uh, I can see how upset you are, and even on a good day, you and logic are... [places two fingers together and separates them with a whistling sound] But think about what you just said. Criminals have no recourse. And you two? You're criminals. Big time.

How dare you.

Jimmy

Luckily, you have a very talented lawyer, who has found a way to minimize the damage you've brought upon yourselves.

Oh, you're fired!

Jimmy

Oh, I quit already. No, I'm talking about Kim Wexler. Now, you're gonna go back to her, you're gonna apologize for your hasty decision to terminate her services, and you're gonna fall on her mercy and take that deal.

We'll tell about the bribe you took.

Jimmy

You could do that. You absolutely could, and I'd be in a mess of trouble, a real pickle...

Jimmy

...But so would you, Mrs. Kettleman. Because right now, only Mr. Kettleman is on the hook, for the whole embezzlement kerfluffle. But the bribe – we're back to calling it a bribe? Yeah, that implicates you as well.

It does not. It was all me.

Jimmy

No, it wasn't. I'll make sure everyone knows that. Look on the bright side, you know? They could work out some kind of inter-prison visitation program, the occasional conjugal. Maybe it won't be all bad. [to Betsy] You, you'll probably wind up running your own gang. [He looks up at both of them, becoming somewhat solemn] Thing you folks need to know about me? I got nothing to lose. Christ, you should see my office.

Mr. McGill, Rich Schweikart of Schweikart and Cokely. We're the law firm representing Sandpiper Crossing assisted living. How are you this evening?

Jimmy

Quite well, thank you. How are you?

Rich

Doing fine. I'm sorry to call so late. Did I catch you at a bad time?

Jimmy

No, no. No, it's fine.

Rich

It's just that you're whispering.

Jimmy

I'm at the opera.

Rich

Oh? What opera?

Jimmy

Magic Flute.

Rich

Mozart, lovely. Well, I'll try not to keep you. We received something from you today, and we're not quite sure what.

Jimmy

It's a demand letter.

Rich

Ah... Well, it was a little confusing 'cause it was written on...

Jimmy

Well, I had to write it quickly because your clients were in the process of destroying evidence!

Rich

Mr. McGill, if you're talking about "shredding documents", it's neither irregular nor illegal. Every business in America does it.

Jimmy

You say potato, I say spoliation.

Rich

Maybe you should walk me through what you're alleging here.

Jimmy

I believe it's all in the letter.

Rich

Uh, I–I'm not saying it's not, but it's a bit hard to read. Next time, I'd use double-ply.

Jimmy

Let's not fixate on the medium, okay? Let's look at the message. Now, your clients are facing multiple counts of elder abuse, and fraud, and deceptive and unfair trade practices, and that's just the start, okay? I'm not a betting man, but I bet the farm I'll find more.

Rich

Mr. McGill, are you related to Charles McGill?

Jimmy

He's my brother.

Rich

Yeah? How's he doing these days?

Jimmy

I–I fail to see the relevance of this.

Rich

Well, frankly, the only reason that I made this phone call was out of respect for Charles, on the off chance that you might be related to him. My partner suggested that the best response would be to send a Rule 11 letter and have you sanctioned, but I didn't want to jump to that immediate length.

Jimmy

How about you stop trying to rattle my cage and just, you know, respond to the merits?

Rich

This is my response, Mr. McGill. You have no good-faith basis to threaten any litigation. This is a shakedown, and we both know it. Now, if you push this any further, my hands will be tied. Sorry for interrupting your evening. Enjoy The Magic Flute.

Jimmy

[after Schweikart has hung up] Blow my magic flute!

Chuck

You broke into a nursing home?

Jimmy

Assisted living.

Chuck

And you stole their garbage. My God.

Jimmy

No, it was in public. There was no lock, no nothing. I just lifted the lid, and there it was. There's no reasonable expectation of privacy in that situation, is there? You can't say it's private if a hobo can use it as a wigwam!

Rich

Well, let's get started. We've read your revised demand; it's quite a laundry list, very creative.

Jimmy

Yeah, creative. Like the way your clients have been billing my clients? Because that's, like, Salvador Dali creative.

Rich

That's cute–you know you're not gonna make this stick. Setting aside evidentiary concerns–

Jimmy

Whoa, your guys couldn't afford ten bucks for a padlock? That's on them: public property.

Rich

Maybe a judge sees that your way, maybe he doesn't, but the damages for elder abuse? The statute requires proof that there was some undue influence. Someone threatening the residents of Sandpiper Crossing.

As far as I understand it, no one has claimed that there was a guy with a knife telling them to hand over their lunch money.

Rich

There are a lot of assisted living facilities out there that may be disreputable, but that's not the case with our client, not even close. All their facilities, all 12 of them, every single one, five-star rated. You go to any one of them right now, and you know what you'll see? You'll see happy, healthy residents. Sandpiper takes care of these people, they don't bilk them...but, we looked into it and some of your clients have, in fact, been overbilled. It's a–it's an accounting error. It doesn't rise to the level of fraud–not even close.

We've calculated the damages. All told, it's $46,320.

Rich

Mhm. So, here's what we're prepared to do: we're gonna make your clients whole. A check for the 46 and change right now, and on top of that, we'll give you another 46K to cover your expenses. So what's that, 92? Let's call it $100,000, even. We admit to no wrongdoing, and your clients release all claims. [leans back in chair]

Jimmy

I think you're gonna need to do better than that.

Rich

Ah. This was in your demand letter. They're syringes. So? I-I don't know if you know this, but that's a pretty standard item in an assisted living facility.

Jimmy

Correct, but it's not what it is that matters. It's where it's from.

Rich

Lincoln, Nebraska?

Jimmy

Go Cornhuskers. [beat] Well, since you're not picking up what I'm putting down, I'll explain it to you. Nebraska, although they both begin with the letter N, actually turns out to be a different state than New Mexico, so your client accepted shipments across state lines for its enterprise. I-in the U.S. mail, no less!

Rich

Are you trying to make this a RICO case?

Like our client is John Gotti, or something?

Jimmy

Well, you know as well as I do, RICO's used mostly for business beefs. Sedima establishes a pretty low threshold for RICO provisions to kick in. Interstate commerce is a bitch, huh? As soon as we establish a pattern to–what was your word–uh, "overbillings?" I prefer the classic term of fraud. You're looking at treble damages, so your 100 grand? I think you know where you can stick it.

Rich

...Will you give us a moment?

Rich

Well, what number exactly did you have in mind?

Chuck

Twenty million.

Rich

Excuse me?

Chuck

You heard me.

Rich

Oh, you can't expect-

Chuck

Twenty. Million. Dollars... or we'll see you in court.

Howard

Jimmy... Jimmy, I'm just gonna say it. You're not working here.

Jimmy

What are you talking about? You said this case is a slam dunk.

Howard

Yes. We want the case, we don't want, um... the case is all we want.

Jimmy

You gotta be–you're serious? I walk in here with a multi-million dollar class action lawsuit on a damn platinum platter, a case that I found, that I made happen... and you don't want me?! Why in Christ not?! Well, I know that you hate me, Howard.

Chuck

Jimmy–

Jimmy

I'm fine. You better believe, feeling goes both ways, but I'm willing to set that aside to work with you on this. Why can't you do the same for me? What is it that you can't let go of, huh? What slight did I make to your fine, upstanding character that you can't forgive.

Howard

A majority decision has been made by myself and the partners–all due respect to you, Chuck. We are not interested in taking any new associates into the firm.

Jimmy

Bullshit! New associates?! Someone walks in with a case like this, you beg them to be partner! Tell me why! You didn't want me then? Okay. You don't want me now?! Explain it!

Chuck

Howard, I don't know what to say. I am very disappointed, I really think you should reconsider.

Howard

I'm sorry, but no. I think it's best if Jimmy takes the of-counsel fee. We could probably up it a bit. Keep in mind, you will be well compensated in the back end. It's easy money, Jimmy. No reason not to take it.

Jimmy

Go to hell, Howard! I'm not giving you my case. And I'm gonna tell every one of those clients what a lying miserable pig fucker you are. I will burn the whole thing to the ground before I give it to you!

Jimmy

Hey, it's our old friend "B"! B-12! B as in, uh... B as in "betrayal." Benedict Arnold betrayed the United States. Still no winners? No? Okay... here it is. [Jimmy gets another ball] Oh, what are the odds?! Four B's in a row! B as in... B as in... brother. Brother. B-7, seven brides for seven brothers. I'm sure a lot of you had brothers–it's not like mine, though. Any winners, yet? Take–take another look, okay? I'll wait. I'm gonna say, if it's another B, we could have a real problem here. [Jimmy gets another ball] Hey, it is another B! B-5, as in "Boy, this B thing is really starting to tick me off." B as in battleship, B as in bourbon, B as in Belize; beautiful place, so I've heard. I would love to go there, but let's face it, that's never gonna happen. None of us is ever leaving this godforsaken wasteland. [pause] Sorry, scratch that. Moving on? [Jimmy gets another ball] I mean, what is it with this place? It's–it's like living inside an easy-bake oven. I mean, look out that window. It's–it's like a soulless, radioactive Georgia O'Keeffe hellscape out there, crawling with coral snakes and scorpions and– You ever see the movie The Hills Have Eyes? It's a documentary! God forbid your car breaks down. You have to walk ten steps. You got a melanoma the size of a pineapple where your head used to be. And so you ask, "Why?" Why? If if that's how I feel, why do I live here? Why?!

Excuse me. Are you gonna read that number?

Jimmy

Yeah. I'm gonna read your number. Eh–and it's another "B!" It's another frigging "B! Boy, of course. Why not? Why not?! And the next number...

Jimmy

Uh, quick question, who here knows what a Chicago sunroof is? Anybody? You, sir? No? Okay. True story, uh, back home, uh, there was this guy named Chet. Now, Chet was a real asshole. He might have owed me some money. He might have slept with my wife before she became my ex-wife. The details don't matter. Suffice it to say, I was wronged. All right, so one summer evening, I was out having a few drinks. One or two, maybe three. You get the picture? And, uh, who do I see? Chet. He drove up, and he double-parked outside a Dairy Queen and went in to get some soft serve. Now, Chet drove – and this will give you an idea of exactly what kind of a douchebag this guy was – drove a white pearlescent BMW 7 Series with white leather interior. So, I saw that thing, and I had–I'd had a few, like I said. And, uh, I climbed up top, and I may have defecated, uh, through the sunroof. Not my finest hour, I'll grant you that. But that's what a Chicago sunroof is. Now you know. It's a real thing. I didn't make it up. I'm not the first person to do it. There's a name for it. Guy wanted some soft serve, I gave him some soft serve. I did not know that his children were in the backseat. There was a level of tint on the windows that I'll maintain to this day was not legal in an Illinois-licensed vehicle. But somehow, that's on me, I guess. Who leaves two Cub Scouts in a double-parked car with the engine running?! Come on! Now, Chet was connected, see? Like, uh, Cicero connected. So, usually, I'd be looking at malicious mischief, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, maybe. But he's got the D.A. saying indecent exposure, calling me a sex offender. What? One little Chicago sunroof, and suddenly I'm Charles Manson?! And that's where it all went off the rails. I've been paying for it ever since. That's why I'm here! I don't...You know what? [sniffs] Any of this stuff you want, come get it. Kitty-cat notebooks for everybody.

Hey! You are not Kevin Costner!

Jimmy

I was last night.

Jimmy

Marco, I'm sorry. I gotta go back.

Marco

What?

Jimmy

It's been great, and I appreciate your hospitality, but a week's gonna have to do it. I gotta go home.

Marco

I already called in sick! [pause] Come on, man. This is home. You hate it out there. What d'you gotta go back to?

Jimmy

My clients.

Marco

Your clients? What, are you like a gigolo, or something?

Jimmy

Marco... I'm a lawyer.

Marco

What?

Jimmy

Honest to God. I do elder law, which is like, wills and estates-

Marco

So you're ripping off old people?

Jimmy

No, I'm not ripping off old people. I'm not ripping off anybody.

Marco

Holy crap. Slippin' Jimmy's a lawyer? [laughs] No wonder you wanna go back! I mean, you got to be king of the desert, driving around town in a white Caddy making bank!

Jimmy

I'm not making bank. I'm making a living, more or less.

Marco

A living? All due respect–you're a lawyer and you're not making bank, you're doing it wrong.

Jimmy

Well, I'm building something. Takes time!

Marco

You're gonna build somethin', build it out here. I mean, lawyers in Chicago make plenty, I assure you.

Jimmy

I don't know what to tell ya, Marco. Chuck's in Albuquerque.

Marco

Again, all due respect, Chuck's a stuck-up douchebag. I hate to break it to ya, but he doesn't even like you.

Jimmy

...He's my brother.

Marco

...Okay. I get it. Family, you gotta go back. But... [pulls out a watch from a drawer] remember this?

Jimmy

The Rolex thing. Whatever happened to the guy who used to sell us those?

Marco

Jin Kang? He got deported, this is the last one. I say we go for it.

Jimmy

No.

Marco

Aw, come on! Last time we did, what, 600? The hot streak we're on, I bet we'd break a grand, easy!

Jimmy

I could lend you some cash-

Marco

I don't need the money, Jimmy. I need this. Come on, you say you're happy doing wills or whatever? Good for you, man, seriously! I gotta tell ya, standpipes ain't cutting it for me, man. I got nothing, Jimmy. Give me this.

Marco

I screwed up.

Jimmy

No, y-you did–You did good, buddy! Just hold on, alright? They're on their way, they'll be here in a minute.

Marco

Jimmy, you know what?

Jimmy

Just s-save your breath, okay? You're gonna be fine.

Marco

This was the greatest week of my life.

Mike

Well, that was quick. No charge.

Jimmy

Help me out here. Did I dream it, or did I have $1,600,000 on my desk in cash? When I close my eyes, I can still see it. It's burned into my retinas like I was staring into the sun. No one on God's green earth knew we had it. We could have split it 50/50. We could have gone home with $800,000 each, tax-free.

Mike

Your point being?

Jimmy

Why didn't we? What stopped us?!

Mike

I remember you saying something about doing the right thing.

Jimmy

I don't even know what that means.

Mike

You want to know why I didn't take that money? Is that what you're asking?

Jimmy

Yeah, that's what I'm asking.

Mike

Me personally? I was hired to do a job. I did it. That's as far as it goes.

Jimmy

Yeah. Well, I know what stopped me. And you know what? It's never stopping me again.

My name's Ken, by the way.

Jimmy

Viktor, with a K.

Cool, Viktor with a K. [gestures to Kim] And this lovely lady is?

Kim

[hesitantly] It's Giselle. Giselle Saint Claire.

Ah, lovely. Please, sit, I won't bite. [Kim sits down] So, Viktor with a K and Giselle, exotic names.

They're Dutch.

Well, Boer, to be precise. Our father's side of the family is from South Africa... which is where Uncle Humphrey passed away.

South Africa, they grow them beautiful down there, right? Charlize Theron... and you.

Oh, well... I've never actually been, but hope to go someday.

Tell you what: By the time I'm done with you two, you might be taking your own private jet.

Nice.

[to waiter] Excuse me, hi. We're sitting here now, so we could use a wine list, if you get a chance—

Hey, uh, are you a tequila fan?

Yes. [to Kim] You down for that?

...You ever try Zafiro Añejo?

No, I have not, but I'm down for whatever. Three of whatever she just said.

Compliments of the bartender. She thought you might want a souvenir.

Oh, my God. Did we drink the entire bottle?

Not yet we haven't. Hey, cheers! [downs a shot]

I think we're ready for the check.

No, really, it's a smart way to go.

Okay, but...so to be clear, you take the money directly from our account and invest it—

Diversify it.

Diversify it, and then all the dividends and all the profits and the what-have-you comes back directly into our account.

Boom. Absolutely. And you'll get a detailed statement showing how much your money is growing, biggest bulls of the month, etcetera.

Ken, buddy... let's do this.

Whoops, I got that! Can't let you do it, son.

Wait, what—Ken. You are the greatest. Thank you.

No problemo. Hey, this'll be the best decision you'll ever make.

Oh, I believe it. Alright, well, we should get out of your hair.

Yeah. [Jimmy and Kim get out of the booth]

Wait! [tears out a piece of paper] This is for you. Now, that's got all my contact info. Call me anytime with questions, or anything at all.

Try and stop us!