Barney Miller quotes

However, I want you two ladies to know that I got nothing against ya. Which is why, at one time, I almost married one of your kind.

Fish

Nick, my doctor says I have to lose 15 pounds—any suggestions?

Yemana

You know what they say is the best way to knock off calories?

Fish

What?

Yemana

Sex.

Fish

Really? [thinks] Who do I know that also needs to lose weight?

Wojo

You guys can just laugh and joke all you want, but there are people out there and they still depend on us. And they need us. And I don't care if they close this place down or not. I'm not ready to turn this city over to a bunch of hoodlums and rip-off artists! [dramatic exit]

Yemana

So that's the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Wojo

What's going to happen to this city if the police go out of business?

Fish

Crime will run rampant. There will be chaos in the streets. People will live in fear behind locked doors and it will be every man for himself.

Yemana

That's the way it is now.

[taking the arrest complaint to the man who picked his pocket] Read this for me, wilya? I can't see without my glasses.

It's your standard felony complaint 155-34. It ought to get me about 1 to 5. With good behavior I should back on the streets in '77. A little more resentful towards society. With a little less faith in the capacity of human beings to forgive.

Hey, wait a minute. I didn't steal your wallet. You stole mine.

Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord..

The Lord gots nothing to do with this. The Lord didn't walk into that bar and steal my wallet.

You got a chance here to teach a person a great moral lesson. You know what? Get lost.

Careful with my hands. My fingers are my life.

Harris

Pianist?

Chano

Pickpocket.

Chano

Nobody saw anything. Nobody heard anything. Just like always.

Wojo

You'd think some guy walking around the street with a rifle would attract a little bit of attention, wouldn't you?

Barney

Maybe if he didn't have any clothes on.

Chano

Maybe.

Fish

Mr. Hackler, tell me the truth. All kidding aside, do you really believe you've been up there?

Absolutely.

Fish

I'm just curious. What's it like?

It's heaven.

Fish

So if Saturn is heaven, then hell is...?

Philadelphia.

Wojo

Barn. I got a confession to make.

Barney

What's that?

Wojo

I got sick on the plane.

Barney

Oh listen, that happens to everybody. I myself have used those little bags many times.

Wojo

What little bags?

[on the $3,500 he found] Obviously, someone lost it, so I'd like to turn it in.

Fish

Anybody see you pick it up?

I don't think so.

Harris

Does anybody else know you found this money?

No.

Fish

[looking in packet] There's nothing else in here. No identification. No name.

I realize that.

Harris

You know, Mr. Woolen, if you ever decide to run for President, you've got my vote.

[complaining about having to wait to apply for a gun permit] What am I supposed to do? I mean, what if I get held up in the meantime?

Chano

Okay, Mr. Burgess, okay, I'm gonna tell you what to do. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. Now you take your finger, point it at me, and say "Stick 'em up." [Burgess hesitates] Come on.

Stick 'em up.

Chano

See, here's what you do if you're smart. Here, take this. There's my wallet, there's my keys, huh? There's my comb. See? You understand? That's how you fool them, Mr. Burgess, huh? Because nothing you give them is worth much anyway, right? So, he gets nothing, and you live to buy more junk until the next idiot comes along and says, "Stick 'em up." [He takes his belongings back.] But the fewer guns there are out there, Mr. Burgess, the less guys there will be to come around and say, "Stick 'em up." And someday, si Dios quiere, your junk will be safe! In the meantime, get out of here.

I'm going to move someplace where the police have everything under control.

Chano

Yeah? All right, go to Miami and turn left to Havana!

I s'pose you guys never take your clothes off.

Barney

Not in a laundromat.

Fish

Or with the lights on.

You know, you remind me of my first husband.

Fish

Oh really?

He's dead now, but you look like him when he was alive too.

Chano

I just can't believe that an old lady can inflict that kind of punishment on a man.

Fish

You've learned nothing from knowing me.

Now card Number 4, Sergeant Yemana. What does the inkblot suggest to you?

Yemana

Uh. An elephant wearing a hat.

Now turn the card around. Now what does the inkblot suggest to you?

Yemana

An elephant lying on his back. Wearing a hat.