[about the non-working fan] Hey, it can't be turned on, it's not doing anything!
My very words to Bernice.
S2 E5Heat Wave
S2 E6The Arsonist
Oh, Harris has got another theory. Sherlock Holmes.
I mean, psychology is a very important part of modern criminology.
[Wojo blows a raspberry]
Wojo, hold off your rebuttal 'til later.
Oh, Wojo. Wonderful to see you again.
Oh, yeah, uh, I overslept a little.
Didn't your alarm go off?
Yeah, it went off. But I was in a different borough at the time.
S2 E7Grand Hotel
I've been eating prunes for 40 years. When I was 13, I gave a girl a necklace of prune pits. Her mother thought I was in voodoo.
My old man never took us on a vacation. He didn't believe in them. Thought they were slothful. He used to have us all working on Easter Sunday. He'd say, uh, 'If the Lord can get up and move a rock, so can you!'
S2 E8Discovery
[on the phone] Lady, who you gonna listen to, me or your computer?
[to Yemana] Doesn't look good.
You won't believe this, but according to their records I'm deceased.
It's probably a mistake.
I wonder.
DDriscoll
You know, you look exactly like Boris Karloff.
That's because we're both dead.
S2 E9You Dirty Rat
How do you feel?
Fine, fine, fine. It's just a little stone from eating the wrong foods.
You'd better call Bernice. She was very worried.
I intend to. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
I thought you guys said you got 20 kilos of marijuana.
Yeah, that's it.
There's eighteen now.
What?
Eighteen? You sure?
I just counted it.
Count it again.
You must have made a mistake, Wojo.
I didn't make a mistake.
Well, somebody did. Four pounds of marijuana can't disappear in a puff of smoke—not that fast.
S2 E10Horse Thief
This is beautiful. Rioting, fistfights, vandalism—it's a lovely way to celebrate the bicentennial.
You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.
Detective Wojciehowicz is going send out an APB on the missing animal. Do you have a description?
Oh, yeah: Brown eyes, brown hair, two white stockings, stands about 6' 3", and weighs about 1,200 pounds. Hey, Barn? Whadya say we don't tell 'em it's a horse?
I think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.
S2 E11Rain
[after his blow up] Listen everyone... I'd like to apologize to everybody. I'm the one who's always saying "keep things in perspective" and...
Hey forget it, Barney. We were all depressed tonight.
You're just the first person to put it into screams.
No, ma'am. I don't think the Hudson will overflow its banks. Would you leave a nice soft bed to flow through a cold, dirty city like New York?
S2 E12Fish
Look, you can't stop the years from passing by. There comes a time when changes have to be made. Someone younger and stronger comes along to fill your shoes and a person has to gracefully step aside. Well, I'm not willing to do that. The way I figure, I'm worth more on restricted duty than all of you put together on full time. Good night, gentlemen.
I'll tell you, I can't understand it. The greatest city in the world and we're going broke.
It's the off-track betting. The losers are all in New York and the winners are all in New Jersey.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Barney Miller pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.