Nick Yemana quotes from Barney Miller

Yemana

[answering the telephone] Twelfth Precinct, Sergeant Yemana. Yes, sir. A stolen car? What kind of car, Mr. Ravelli? A Studebaker. Will you describe the car, please? Black fenders, silver doors, green hood, polka-dot seat covers, monkey-fur dashboard—maybe it wasn't stolen; maybe it ran away.

Yemana

My grandfather used to say to me "The anticipation of one's dreams is greater than the realization of one's ambitions. Unless one blows it altogether."

Yemana

Hey, anybody want to work Vice tomorrow?

Harris

Me! I'll take it!

Yemana

You worked Vice last week.

Harris

I'm a policeman, baby! I goes where I'm needed!

Barney

[to former Det. Kelly] Hello, Kelly. What are you doing here?

Fish

Making friends.

Barney

How do you like Narcotics?

Yemana

They haven't helped him a bit.

Yemana

Hey, where's my sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel?

Here it's called lox.

Yemana

The hell it is. We had it before you did.

I didn't know Orientals had a sense of humor.

Yemana

Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.

Barney

Anything happening I should know about?

Harris is writing a book.

Barney

A capella. Pretty good. I had in mind something more in the nature of a crime.

Yemana

The coffee.

Barney

I would hesitate to call our coffee a crime. A shame maybe... [takes a sip of the coffee] Oh, that's a crime.

Yemana

You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?

Barney

Yeah.

Yemana

I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.

Barney

Nick, where do we keep the office supply vouchers?

Yemana

Look in the file under O. Or S. Or V. If not, then M, for miscellaneous. And if you don't find it in M, they're lost.

Barney

Then I look under L?

Yemana

Good a place as any.

Wojo

I thought you guys said you got 20 kilos of marijuana.

Chano

Yeah, that's it.

Wojo

There's eighteen now.

Chano

What?

Barney

Eighteen? You sure?

Wojo

I just counted it.

Barney

Count it again.

Chano

You must have made a mistake, Wojo.

Wojo

I didn't make a mistake.

Yemana

Well, somebody did. Four pounds of marijuana can't disappear in a puff of smoke—not that fast.

Chano

I'll tell you, I can't understand it. The greatest city in the world and we're going broke.

Yemana

It's the off-track betting. The losers are all in New York and the winners are all in New Jersey.

Fish

Nick, my doctor says I have to lose 15 pounds—any suggestions?

Yemana

You know what they say is the best way to knock off calories?

Fish

What?

Yemana

Sex.

Fish

Really? [thinks] Who do I know that also needs to lose weight?

Wojo

You guys can just laugh and joke all you want, but there are people out there and they still depend on us. And they need us. And I don't care if they close this place down or not. I'm not ready to turn this city over to a bunch of hoodlums and rip-off artists! [dramatic exit]

Yemana

So that's the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Wojo

What's going to happen to this city if the police go out of business?

Fish

Crime will run rampant. There will be chaos in the streets. People will live in fear behind locked doors and it will be every man for himself.

Yemana

That's the way it is now.

Now card Number 4, Sergeant Yemana. What does the inkblot suggest to you?

Yemana

Uh. An elephant wearing a hat.

Now turn the card around. Now what does the inkblot suggest to you?

Yemana

An elephant lying on his back. Wearing a hat.