Wojo Wojciehowicz quotes from Barney Miller

Wojo

My old man never took us on a vacation. He didn't believe in them. Thought they were slothful. He used to have us all working on Easter Sunday. He'd say, uh, 'If the Lord can get up and move a rock, so can you!'

Barney

Hello? Hello?

Wojo

Hello?

Barney

Hello, bomb disposal?

Wojo

No, this is Wojciehowicz.

Barney

Get off the line. I'm trying to reach Bomb Disposal.

Wojo

Who's this?

Barney

Barney!

Wojo

Oh, hey, Barn, how's it going?

Barney

GET OFF THE LINE!

Wojo

Hey, Barney? If a police officer loses his badge, does he report it to his superior or just wait til somebody turns it in?

Barney

He reports it to his superior officer.

Wojo

I lost my badge.

Wojo

No lady sleeps with a man for money... What brings you up here, Mrs. Miller?

Liz

I came to get a check from Barney.

Fish

What did she say?

Wojo

She wants to know if it's true they don't let Polish cops carry guns.

Barney

Tell her you got a gun.

Wojo

I got a gun.

Fish

Of course, it keeps us on our toes.

Wojo

I got a look at him, and I'll know him when I see him again 'cause I marked him.

Barney

You shot him?

Wojo

I bit him in the neck.

Wojo

Oh, Harris has got another theory. Sherlock Holmes.

Harris

I mean, psychology is a very important part of modern criminology.

Barney

Wojo, hold off your rebuttal 'til later.

Barney

Oh, Wojo. Wonderful to see you again.

Wojo

Oh, yeah, uh, I overslept a little.

Barney

Didn't your alarm go off?

Wojo

Yeah, it went off. But I was in a different borough at the time.

Wojo

I thought you guys said you got 20 kilos of marijuana.

Chano

Yeah, that's it.

Wojo

There's eighteen now.

Chano

What?

Barney

Eighteen? You sure?

Wojo

I just counted it.

Barney

Count it again.

Chano

You must have made a mistake, Wojo.

Wojo

I didn't make a mistake.

Yemana

Well, somebody did. Four pounds of marijuana can't disappear in a puff of smoke—not that fast.

Barney

Detective Wojciehowicz is going send out an APB on the missing animal. Do you have a description?

Wojo

Oh, yeah: Brown eyes, brown hair, two white stockings, stands about 6' 3", and weighs about 1,200 pounds. Hey, Barn? Whadya say we don't tell 'em it's a horse?

Barney

I think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.

Wojo

You guys can just laugh and joke all you want, but there are people out there and they still depend on us. And they need us. And I don't care if they close this place down or not. I'm not ready to turn this city over to a bunch of hoodlums and rip-off artists! [dramatic exit]

Yemana

So that's the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Wojo

What's going to happen to this city if the police go out of business?

Fish

Crime will run rampant. There will be chaos in the streets. People will live in fear behind locked doors and it will be every man for himself.

Yemana

That's the way it is now.

Chano

Nobody saw anything. Nobody heard anything. Just like always.

Wojo

You'd think some guy walking around the street with a rifle would attract a little bit of attention, wouldn't you?

Barney

Maybe if he didn't have any clothes on.

Chano

Maybe.

Wojo

Barn. I got a confession to make.

Barney

What's that?

Wojo

I got sick on the plane.

Barney

Oh listen, that happens to everybody. I myself have used those little bags many times.

Wojo

What little bags?