Chano Amenguale quotes from Barney Miller

Chano

Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.

Fish

It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.

Chano

No kidding!

Fish

Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.

Chano

[booking a Puerto Rican hooker] Miss del Fuego. I came from a very small fishing village in Puerto Rico.

Me, too.

Chano

I came here. I worked very hard. I learned to speak English.

Me, too.

Chano

And today I am proud to serve the public and be known as one of New York's finest.

Me, too!

Barney

Did you ever wonder why the sperm whale, which is the largest mammal on the face of the earth, has a throat about that size? [forms a circle with his thumb and fingers]

Chano

Yeah. You know, I always did wonder. Why is that?

Barney

Because that's the way it is. And there ain't anything you can do about it.

Harris

Hey, man. They already closed down three fire stations. They could do the same thing to us.

Chano

Not as long as there's more crimes than fires. You see the thing is people commit crimes to eat. But people don't set fires to eat.

Fish

They do if they want something hot.

Chano

Mr. Ditka, what are you doing up on a roof cleaning your rifle? Why don't you clean your rifle in your apartment?

I like to be in full view of the local youth. Just another way of saying: 'Emile Ditka's got a gun'.

Wojo

I thought you guys said you got 20 kilos of marijuana.

Chano

Yeah, that's it.

Wojo

There's eighteen now.

Chano

What?

Barney

Eighteen? You sure?

Wojo

I just counted it.

Barney

Count it again.

Chano

You must have made a mistake, Wojo.

Wojo

I didn't make a mistake.

Yemana

Well, somebody did. Four pounds of marijuana can't disappear in a puff of smoke—not that fast.

Chano

I'll tell you, I can't understand it. The greatest city in the world and we're going broke.

Yemana

It's the off-track betting. The losers are all in New York and the winners are all in New Jersey.

Careful with my hands. My fingers are my life.

Harris

Pianist?

Chano

Pickpocket.

Chano

Nobody saw anything. Nobody heard anything. Just like always.

Wojo

You'd think some guy walking around the street with a rifle would attract a little bit of attention, wouldn't you?

Barney

Maybe if he didn't have any clothes on.

Chano

Maybe.

[complaining about having to wait to apply for a gun permit] What am I supposed to do? I mean, what if I get held up in the meantime?

Chano

Okay, Mr. Burgess, okay, I'm gonna tell you what to do. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. Now you take your finger, point it at me, and say "Stick 'em up." [Burgess hesitates] Come on.

Stick 'em up.

Chano

See, here's what you do if you're smart. Here, take this. There's my wallet, there's my keys, huh? There's my comb. See? You understand? That's how you fool them, Mr. Burgess, huh? Because nothing you give them is worth much anyway, right? So, he gets nothing, and you live to buy more junk until the next idiot comes along and says, "Stick 'em up." [He takes his belongings back.] But the fewer guns there are out there, Mr. Burgess, the less guys there will be to come around and say, "Stick 'em up." And someday, si Dios quiere, your junk will be safe! In the meantime, get out of here.

I'm going to move someplace where the police have everything under control.

Chano

Yeah? All right, go to Miami and turn left to Havana!

Chano

I just can't believe that an old lady can inflict that kind of punishment on a man.

Fish

You've learned nothing from knowing me.

Chano

Can I help you?

That's a very generous offer. Because sometimes it moves too fast to make friends.

Chano

What moves too fast?

The escalator of life. On its way to that biggest of all: Mezzanine.

Chano

That's a very profound thought. You must be a philosopher.

No, I'm a bum.