Phil Fish quotes from Barney Miller

Fish

Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home, where it's necessary.

Fish

Women are such fools for stuff like this. Bernice would do anything for a fur coat. If she could do anything.

Fish

I've been eating prunes for 40 years. When I was 13, I gave a girl a necklace of prune pits. Her mother thought I was in voodoo.

Fish

No, ma'am. I don't think the Hudson will overflow its banks. Would you leave a nice soft bed to flow through a cold, dirty city like New York?

Fish

Look, you can't stop the years from passing by. There comes a time when changes have to be made. Someone younger and stronger comes along to fill your shoes and a person has to gracefully step aside. Well, I'm not willing to do that. The way I figure, I'm worth more on restricted duty than all of you put together on full time. Good night, gentlemen.

Barney

I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you would be the first one that I'd call.

Fish

You should call me first. I need time to put my teeth in.

Chano

Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.

Fish

It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.

Chano

No kidding!

Fish

Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.

Barney

[to former Det. Kelly] Hello, Kelly. What are you doing here?

Fish

Making friends.

Barney

How do you like Narcotics?

Yemana

They haven't helped him a bit.

Fish

What did she say?

Wojo

She wants to know if it's true they don't let Polish cops carry guns.

Barney

Tell her you got a gun.

Wojo

I got a gun.

Fish

Of course, it keeps us on our toes.

You put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you. I am sick and tired of being lied to, and robbed, and poisoned!

Fish

That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber. First try a divorce.

Barney

Fish, what did the doctor say?

Fish

He said I was at-- at the time of my life when my body is going through changes.

Barney

Sounds like menopause.

Fish

It is menopause. I caught it from Bernice.

Harris

Hey, man. They already closed down three fire stations. They could do the same thing to us.

Chano

Not as long as there's more crimes than fires. You see the thing is people commit crimes to eat. But people don't set fires to eat.

Fish

They do if they want something hot.

Fish

Did they tell you why they need a new chief of police?

Barney

The old chief passed away.

Fish

He died of boredom. He was sitting behind his desk one day, in his office, when a guy who was bored came in and shot him.

Harris

[about the non-working fan] Hey, it can't be turned on, it's not doing anything!

Fish

My very words to Bernice.

Fish

[on the phone] Lady, who you gonna listen to, me or your computer?

Barney

[to Yemana] Doesn't look good.

Fish

You won't believe this, but according to their records I'm deceased.

Barney

It's probably a mistake.

Fish

I wonder.